


Miss Americana and the Heartbreak Prince

by princessmera



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Fix-It, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Justin Lives AU, Minor Character Death, Past Drug Use, Romantic Fluff, and focuses on jess and justin ONLY, literally just season four but its good, season four was a whole mess and i will fix it, so essentially the only fic u need to recover from that ending, y'all can just accept this as canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-12
Updated: 2020-07-14
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:34:07
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 65,980
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24671656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/princessmera/pseuds/princessmera
Summary: “Staying clean should be your first priority. I get that. Eventually, it’ll get easier and you’ll grow beyond that. But for now, if that’s what matters then I wanna help you.” What if Jessica and Justin had never broken up? What if they had stuck together through their time of healing? Maybe then everything could have been okay. – Alternatively, a season four rewrite where Jessica and Justin battle their issues together and survive.
Relationships: Jessica Davis/Justin Foley
Comments: 81
Kudos: 118





	1. Winter Break

**Author's Note:**

> okay so fuck 13 reasons why..... just fuck the whole thing for that bullshit they pulled. justin deserved to live and jessica deserved to not have her character 1. butchered completely or 2. revolve around some new guy for a whole season. okay. i will fix it. fluff, humour and angst to follow. sorry this chapter is short <3 
> 
> each chapter will be an episode but i will rewrite it. some things are a given with specific episodes. like certain scenes that happened in the show that i won't rewrite but a lot of it will be rewritten completely :) i am actually really excited about this fic btw

“How do you feel?” Jessica asked Justin, taking in the way he looked. He wasn’t too different, a little happier maybe, but that could have just been due to the fact that they had thrown him a party. Nobody had ever thrown him a party before. And especially not one to welcome him home.

“Good,” he said with a nod. “I feel good.” He leaned on the table and she stood beside him. Everybody had decided to give them some space, talking amongst themselves rather than all crowding him at once.

She smiled, “good.” They both gently laughed, having now exchanged the word twice. “Do you like the party?” She asked with a wide smile. “I planned it. All of it.”

“Yeah,” he said, smiling back. “I do. You did a great job.” His arm was resting on the table and she reached out to hold his hand.

Jessica tilted her head, staring at him and studying his expression. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

He nodded, “yeah, I’m just… It’s a lot to take in.”

Leaning beside him on the table, Jessica stared up with her eyes wide. “Well, you can just take _me_ in…for now.” That made him smile, widely, as he tried not to laugh.

“Jess,” he said with a laugh. “We can do that later.”

She scoffed, jokingly. “I did not mean sex,” she said. “I meant you could at least ask how _I’m_ doing.”

“Shit,” he went wide eyed. Then his tone fell back into casual conversation. “How are you doing?”

Jessica grinned so widely, she nearly bit her bottom lip. “I’m doing much better now.”

Justin slowly nodded, “cool,” he managed to say. Something was strange about him. Something was different. Jessica wasn’t sure what it was.

She was staring at him, the silence between them growing on the cusp of awkward. “Did you miss me?” She asked.

The corners of his lips turned up. “When do I not miss you?”

She smiled so widely her cheeks hurt and she had to stare at the floor to make herself stop. “You’re still stupid cheesy, I see.”

He clicked his tongue, “yeah, the drugs had nothing to do with that.”

Staring at him, Jessica reached up to hold his face in her hands. “You seem really good,” she said gently. “I’m really proud of you.” Then he smiled like she had never seen him smile before. Like a child. Like a sweet, innocent child who had finally been given validation.

“Thank you,” he barely managed to say, sheepishly, like he was embarrassed. Jessica stood up on her toes and hooked her arms around his neck so he came closer. He reached out and held his hands to her waist, holding her close. She had missed the way he held her. It had been a long month. She had been lonely, and hurt. She was trying to find some sanity in the Bryce situation, and so far she had found very little.

Jessica brought her face close to his, her arms hooked around his neck as she looked into his eyes. “What fun things did they make you do in rehab?” She asked. “Better than running suicides I imagine.”

He nodded, “definitely better than that.” But then he hesitated. “We can talk about it later,” he said. “I’m kind of hungry and I gotta know what those are.” He pointed at the plate in the centre of the table and Jessica’s face lit up.

“Charlie made cookies,” she said with a smile, withdrawing her arms from around his neck. “I was going to make brownies but I was too busy setting up the _whole_ room.” Justin only laughed. “Clay was like… a fucking mess.” She pouted her bottom lip and shrugged. “Worse than you.” She meant it as a joke, but he didn’t take it that way.

“I’m not a mess anymore,” he said quietly. “I’m clean.” Jessica’s eyes rounded in concern as she reached back up to him.

“I didn’t mean it like that,” she assured him, holding his face in her hands. “I just meant that your side of the room was always messy.”

He cracked a small smile. “I always cleaned up when you came over, though.”

She grinned, her thumbs stroking his cheek. “I know, and I appreciated that.” Still sharing her smile, Justin reached over to the plate and picked up one of the cookies Charlie made. He took a bite, his eyes still connected to hers and they just laughed. She really did love him. He never needed to do anything to make her love him, he just had to exist. She wondered if he knew that. Did he know that there was nothing he could do to disappoint her, at least nothing he was capable of. He was too good, and he loved her too much. And there was nothing Jessica loved more than being loved. At least nothing more than him.

* * *

When Justin walked out of the bathroom, he noticed the empty room, save for one person. Jessica was lying on his bed, holding her phone up over her face as she scrolled through it. He took a few more steps into the room, watching her while she didn’t notice him. She was so beautiful and he had missed her so much. It made seeing her again, after spending a month in rehabilitation, so hard. Knowing what he had to say, and what he had to ask of her. But she would understand. She was amazing like that, she understood him. She respected him and she knew better than anybody else in his life what he was going through.

He had to stop smiling, as he looked at her. “You’re still here,” he noted, his voice gentle in the silence. Jessica dropped her phone immediately, surprised he had come out.

She nodded. “Of course, I wanna hear all about rehab. You promised me.”

One side of his smile turned up in humour. “You sure, it’s pretty depressing?”

Jessica’s smile only widened. “Of course. You haven’t said fuck once in the last five hours and I’m so curious why.” She sat up straight on the bed and tucked her legs under until she was just sitting by his pillow. Sweetly, she patted the bed in front of her and stared at him. She was so happy today. So smiley and excited. He hadn’t seen her like this in so long, and he loved it when she was like this. He loved everything about her. And they had taught him in rehab that if that wasn’t enough for her, that he loved her unconditionally, then the relationship needed to end. He worried about that. He worried if he could seperate himself from her, from seeing her every day, enough to focus on getting better.

Smiling back at her, he came and sat opposite her on the bed. “Would you rather I say fuck?” He asked her.

Her smile turned into a smirk as she looked into his eyes. “Only in specific situations,” she said. Holding her hand out to him, he took it in his own and ran his thumb over her knuckles. She sat up on her knees and leaned over until their lips were inches away. “Can I propose that we do all the talking stuff later, and take advantage of being alone?” She bit her bottom lip and he saw how soft her skin looked, and how badly he wanted to kiss her. “I haven’t felt good in so long.” Instead of kissing him, she moved her head ever so slightly so that the tip of her nose grazed against his, and he smiled.

“Jess,” he whispered, and it was almost breathless, “I love you.” That made her smile as she stared down at his lips, she was waiting for him to make the first move. He wasn’t going to. “But I have to tell you something.” That caught her blindsided. She stopped, her brow furrowing as her eyes went from his lips to to focus on the look in his eyes.

“What?” She asked quietly. “Does it have to be now?” That made him laugh. She was still Jessica, and he so badly wanted to kiss her too. But he needed to tell her the most important thing for his recovery.

“Yeah,” he whispered back, “it’s gotta be now.” Their eyes lingered on one another for a moment, both of them inwardly debating whether to have this conversation, or to just do it later and take each others clothes off right now and make up for a month of celibacy. But slowly, and hesitantly, Jessica began to lean back. Justin didn’t doubt that if he decided to kiss her then and there, all talk would go out the window. She was waiting for him to do it, and she was sorely disappointed when he didn’t.

“What’s up?” She asked him, folding her legs underneath her and watching him with all her attention. She wasn’t upset. She wasn’t mad. She was eager to listen to whatever he wanted to tell her, and maybe that just made the whole thing harder.

He shook his head, staring at his hands in his lap as he tried to find the words. Asking her to talk was one thing, but finding the right words was another. “Jess,” he said, again. His face screwed up as he tried to focus on the right thing to say. The nice thing. The understandable thing. “I need some space,” he said slowly, like he didn’t even know if the words would come out of his mouth but they did. Jessica’s brow furrowed.

“Space?” She asked, and she shuffled back on the bed, so as to give him more space physically. That made him smile to himself.

“No, no,” he said, shaking his head. “I mean with us. And I don’t mean it’s because of you, or anything like that. It was just something they told me at the end to help with my first few weeks, or months, of staying clean.”

Jessica was hesitant. “Like a break up?” She asked innocently, her eyes full of concern. She was afraid.

“No,” he answered before he could think. God no, he thought. Never. “Just like, I have to put myself first, and my recovery. And I can’t put us first.”  
She nodded, slowly. “I get that,” she said softly. “That’s okay.”

“Really?” He asked her, surprised she was so understanding. He thought she’d want a deeper explanation.

“Yeah,” she said. “Staying clean should be your first priority. I get that. Eventually, it’ll get easier and you’ll grow beyond that. But for now, if that’s what matters then I wanna help you.” They were staring at each other, and then she blinked. As if a thought had crossed her mind. “But, Justin, you don’t have to do this alone.” She reached out and ran the tips of her fingers along his hands. “Nobody should ever struggle alone. I want to help you, the way you helped me.” He looked down at their hands, smiling through the way his heart hurt.

“Jess,” he said quietly, “you make space so hard.”

She drew her bottom lip through her teeth. “Tell me what you want and I’ll do it. Okay?”

He nodded, grateful. “I’m sorry,” he said. But he shouldn’t have apologised. There was nothing wrong with asking for what he needed. Jessica would have told him just that if she weren’t the person he was apologising to. “I know you wanted us to be public, and stuff, now that you’re ready. But I don’t think I am.”

Jessica nodded. “That’s okay,” she said. “So, tell me about rehab.” With a supportive smile, Jessica untucked one leg and stretched it out beside him. And he had to consciously stop himself from reaching out and running his fingers along her skin. Which she knew, but she did it anyway.

“Uh,” he drawled, distracted by her before he pulled his attention back to the conversation and looked into her eyes. “We just talked a lot, about stuff. Went hiking, which was cool, I guess.”

Her expression lit up. “Did you do one of those classes where they make you paint your feelings?”

Hesitantly, he nodded. “Sure did.”

Jessica smiled. “Was it creepy? Did anybody paint something really fucked up?”

He shook his head. “No, it was mostly like… Colours and weird shit. Someone painted a chair. And a dog.”

“What did you paint?” She asked curiously.

He shrugged. “Just like, a… house. A house with a family.”

Her lips stretched into an endearing smile. “I love that,” she said. “Did you get to bring it back?” He shook his head and she pouted. “Aw, I wanted to see your sexy house painting.”

“It was not sexy, trust me. You know I can’t paint.” Grinning, she bit her bottom lip. He never thought she would be this happy after they took a break. He had expected her to be a little upset. But she wasn’t.

“I’m sure your painting put all the others to shame.” With a small smile, he reached out and ran his hand down her leg, from her thigh to her ankle. She moved her leg closer, until it pressed against him. He didn’t think she was doing any of this on purpose. She wasn’t trying to seduce him into being official, or taking back the break. She was just touch starved. He couldn’t be mad.

There was a hundred things running through his head, before he stared up at her. “Do you believe in me?” He asked quietly. “Do you think I can do it?”

She nodded, enthusiastically. “Of course I do.” She tucked her leg back in underneath her and shuffled closer until their knees were touching. “I always believed in you.”

He smiled, but deep down he wanted to cry. “I believe in me too.” That made her smile widely, like an excited child. She reached out and grabbed his hand in her own before bringing it up to her lips and kissing his knuckles. Watching her, he grazed his fingers along her jaw before shaking his head.

“Jess,” he protested gently and she released his hand.

“Shit,” she whispered, “I’m sorry. I forgot.”

He was watching her carefully, wanting to speak but his voice caught in his throat. “Can I ask you something?” He didn’t know why he had said that. Why he was about to say what he was going to say. It was too soon, but, she had made it abundantly clear that she loved him. Carefully, she nodded that he could. “What can I do to prove to you that I’m not the same person as I was the night it happened? How can I be good enough for you?”

“You are,” she said. “Just stay clean and take care of yourself.” She bit her lip. “Justin, I get it. I get why it happened for you. I do.”

“You do?”

She nodded, “and I think you know too.”

He stared at her, and realised she wanted to hear why. “Because I was afraid of losing what I had. What I didn’t think I deserved from anybody else. Just him.”

Jessica stared at him sincerely, he thought she might cry. “He’s dead, and I know you loved him. But he hurt you.”

Justin nodded. “He did.”

“Did you talk about him?” She asked curiously.

“Yeah, I mean, a bit.” He stared at her. “I talked about my childhood… About my mom… Seth…” He looked at her, staring at her deep brown eyes. “You.”

“What about me?” She asked.

He smiled. “About how much I love you.” That made her smile too. “About how badly I hurt you. About how my guilt led to the heroin. And led me here.” He shrugged. “We just traced it all back to a starting point.”

“To me?” She questioned in disbelief.

“Among other shit.”

Jessica’s face fell. “What other shit?” She asked, her tone taking an edge.

He stared at her, confused by the harshness of her expression. “Just like, the tapes. My own trauma as a kid. What that brought up in the moment.”

Jessica’s gaze turned sour. “So you blamed me?” Her lips turned into a scowl. “That’s why you want space. You think I’m like, what? Bad for you?”

His brow furrowed, “no,” he insisted. “Jess, never.”

“Who told you to take the break? And why?”

He shrugged sheepishly. “The therapist,” he said.

“So the therapist heard what Bryce did, and thought _you_ needed a break from _me_?” Her face screwed up. “Why the fuck?”

“No, that’s not it,” he argued gently. “It’s just that… I’m still not there yet. I’m still not over what happened. I need to put it behind me.”

“So, what? Put me behind? Cause, I’m what? Not healthy?” Her eyes turned mournful. “Justin, I’m trying. I’m trying so hard to be whatever you need me to be.”

“Jess, I know.” He looked down at his hands in his lap, avoiding her eyes. “But this. All of this. It’s like I’m too dependant on you. I need to know I can keep myself clean without external pressure.”

“Pressure?” She sounded accusatory, but then she fixed her tone. “Look, I get it.” She shook her head in finality. “I’ll give you the space.” Then her gaze turned dark. “I just can’t promise I’ll wait for you forever.” And then she climbed off the bed, and picked up her bag. Justin turned and watched her. She walked out of the outhouse with finality and he didn’t really know or understand what had just happened. Did she feel guilty for causing his addiction? Was she angry he had talked about her in therapy? Had the mentions of Bryce brought something up for her? Did she find it unfair that she had been hurt that night, and he was asking her for space? He really didn’t know.


	2. College Tour

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so in regards to whether or not i will be addressing the absolute fucking horrid way in which justin died… i will have it mentioned but no it won’t be any kind of plotline. there are multiple reasons for this. first of which being that justin’s death hit me really hard because he was my favourite character ever (and i haven’t even watched the final episode. i refuse to ever watch it) and it’s the same for many other people. right now the topic of hiv and aids is a really raw thing and i don’t know nearly enough about it. secondly, i would have been okay with it, if the show had in fact had a hiv storyline for him where he didn’t die. i think that would actually address the issue rather than whatever that clusterfuck of an ending was. alas, me writing about it would do very little. i have no influence and i am not nearly educated enough on the issue itself. and right now i don’t esp wanna go researching about this when it will only serve to make me angrier about this fuck up of an ending. and finally!! the plot didn’t sit right with me in regards to justin’s whole character. he’s street smart, and fairly intelligent. he also really wanted to live and have a good life. he would know about hiv/aids. he would know what causes it. and SO would matt and laine. so would clay. and jessica. it seems really unrealistic to me that upon deciding to adopt a legitimate heroin addict who had been homeless that the jensen’s didn’t take him to a doctor to be tested. he was a 17 year old kid!! he should not be a warning for kids to go get tested for hiv! someone should have been looking out for him. and even if they didn’t get him tested. the writers seriously expect me to believe that he didn’t get tested himself out of ShAmE when he loved jessica so much and would never want to put her in any danger whatsoever??? anyway. rant over. there will be a very small mention of it and then it isn’t happening. i’m sorry if you were looking for that. but i won’t be entertaining the writers fucked up plot line of giving a literal gay actor aids as shock value for a character he portrayed and loved for 4 years. no way. brandon flynn and justin foley deserved better. 
> 
> ok now on to the story

“What’s going on with you and Jessica?” Clay asked, watching as Jessica passed them wordlessly in the hallway. Justin stared as she disappeared into the mass of students. He too wondered what was going on with him and Jessica.

“Nothing,” he said casually. “We’re just taking a break, so, she’s not around as much. It’s fine.”

Clay stared at him, confused. “You guys are on a break? You’ve already been back a week though.”

Justin nodded. “I know,” he said, hoisting the strap of his bag higher up on shoulder. “It’s just that I need some time apart from her.”

“You had a month,” Clay deadpanned.

Justin’s brow furrowed and he made a face. “Jesus, Clay. Am I dating Jess, or are you?” Clay just rolled his eyes.

“Whatever,” Clay mumbled. “Do what you want. I don’t care.” And just like that, Clay walked the opposite way down the hall from where Jessica had gone. Justin gave up on watching him leave and decided to go the opposite way. In search of Jessica. They hadn’t spoken all week. Unless you counted the Christmas present he gave her a few days ago. He’d hung by her locker after the final bell rang and waited for her. She took her sweet time getting there and the halls were practically empty by the time she showed. But she had greeted him with a concerned smile, hesitant as she dialled the lock.

“Hey,” she had said, friendly but simultaneously belated. Her eyes focused on her locker, and from the side of her eyes she looked at him. Curious.

“Hey,” he said gently. His shoulder leaned against the locker beside hers, and he watched as she took her bag out and began to pack it with books.

“So, what’s up?” She asked him casually. There had been so many things he wanted to do in that moment. He wanted to reach out and touch her hair. He wanted to kiss her. To wrap his arms around her. Or take her bag and pack it for her while she protested and playfully argued with him. But he did none of those things, he just stared at her.

“I was wondering how you’re doing,” he said offhandedly, noting the small smile on her lips. It was barely noticeable but he had spent hours looking at her and he knew every tiny detail of her expression.

“I’m doing okay,” she said, looking over at him once. “How are you?”

He nodded nonchalantly. “I’m good.” She gave him a small smile, as if to say she was glad to hear he was doing well. About to smile back, he had reached into the pocket of his leather jacket and pulled out a small rock. Jessica glanced over, her brow furrowing as she caught sight of it.

“What’s that?” She asked, shoving the final book into her bag. She was genuinely curious. With a smile, Justin held the rock out to her in the flat of his palm.

“It’s for you,” he said. “Consider it a very late Christmas present.”

She was staring at his hand, her hand hovering over the locker door as she was about to close it. “Justin, that’s a rock.” She found it funny, and somewhat cute, he assumed. She couldn’t hide her smile.

“But… Look at it.” He held it out closer to her and she eyed it carefully. “It’s for your pet rocks.” Catching sight of exactly what he meant, Jessica grinned. It had their initials carved into it. She picked it up from the palm of his hand held it up to the light so she could look it over more.

“It’s perfect,” she said with a giggle. “You’re so sweet.” She tossed it between her fingers, then closed her fist around it. “I have something for you too,” she said quietly. “But I left it at home.”

He smiled, “that’s okay. You didn’t need to get me anything.”

She sighed gently, smiling, “yeah, I did.” After that their conversation had been abruptly interrupted by Zach, who drunkenly wandered into the hallway. Shouting at them about how his mom had banned him from drinking in the house. So Justin offered to drive him home because he was in no shape to drive there. Clapping in celebration, Zach came up to them then and tugged on his arm until Justin could pull himself away from Jessica. She stood there at her locker, smiling at Justin, but unable to hide her imminent concern for Zach’s health. As they were about to leave, Jessica had reached out to him and kissed his cheek, telling him to look after Zach. Then as he walked out, he looked back over his shoulder and smiled at her, catching her eyes to see if she smiled back and yes, she did. Later that night she had dropped off a gift at the outhouse for him, she left it on the doorstep for Clay to find and deliver to him. It was one of those stuffed bears people bought from hospitals, with the words ‘Get Well Soon’ written across its stomach. It wasn’t new. Justin had seen the exact same one sitting on the end of Jessica’s bed months ago. Her dad had bought it for her last Christmas while she was recovering. And with it was a note written in her neat handwriting.

**For your recovery. You need it more than I do. PS. I won’t tell anybody you own a stuffed bear, that stays between us.**

Then he had texted her thanks that night with a picture of the bear sitting beside a sleeping Clay. She only responded with a heart emoji and they hadn’t spoken since. He figured she was ignoring him still. Avoiding him, maybe? And perhaps he was unconsciously avoiding her too. He was worried what might happen if he spoke to her. Would she cry? Would she yell? What?

But he followed the hallway she had disappeared down, trailing her like a borderline stalker. He felt weird doing it. But eventually he found her talking to Ani by the HO room. She was leaning against the doorway, her expression distinctly hurt. So when Justin approached her, he did so with caution.

He was a few steps away when he called her name, “Jess,” he said and she cut off her conversation to look over at him. The halls were emptying and her frown remained even when she saw him. “Are you okay?” He asked, stopping beside her.

Jessica nodded. “Yeah, I’m fine.” But he could tell she wasn’t.

“Is this about what happened today?” He asked. She made no effort to confirm or deny. “Stuff like that brings up past trauma and can be really–“

“Justin, I’m fine,” she insisted, cutting him off. “Don’t worry about it.” His eyes stayed on hers, confused about why she was being so secretive. But he figured that he shouldn’t push her. Jessica never asked for permission to tell him what was going through her head. She just said it. So when she didn’t say he knew that meant it was something he didn’t need to know… Even though he wanted to.

“Are you going today?” He asked her instead. “To the college tour.”

Her expression turned patronising. “It’s mandatory,” she said, as though it were obvious. And yes it was. He just needed a conversation point so it didn’t get awkward.

“Yeah, I know,” he said. “I was just…”

She was pursing her lips and trying not to laugh. “You don’t need to worry about me,” she said. “I can take care of myself.”

He nodded, “yeah, I mean… Of course you can.” He looked down at the ground awkwardly and then back up at her, hesitant. “I’m sorry.”

Jessica rolled her eyes with a smile. She reached out to touch his shoulder and shook her head. “You don’t need to apologise.” Her fingers went to one of the folds of his jacket and stroked it in curiosity. “I have to go to class,” she said, her eyes focused on her fingers. “But I’ll see you later.”

“Uh, yeah,” he said. “Totally.” He tried not to smile, to just be casual. With a smirk she withdrew her hand and pulled her bag strap further up onto her shoulder. She looked over at Ani who had remained silent the whole conversation and the two of them turned and walked down the hallway, leaving him standing alone in the path, curious as to what just happened.

* * *

“What the hell,” Jessica said under her breath.

“What?” Ani asked her as they walked with the tour group.

Jessica blinked in disbelief, “Justin,” she said, “he’s at the front of the group. That’s just so…unlike him.”

Ani smiled, finding Jessica’s concern humorous. “Maybe he’s just excited for college,” Ani said. “I mean, I would be if I could stop worrying about Clay and everything.” Jessica’s eyes stayed on Justin at the front of the group. The way he just wandered without a care in the world. Like there was nothing wrong in his life.

“Maybe,” Jessica mumbled, unable to stop staring.

“You’re being creepy, Jessica,” Ani told her in a singsong voice, near to laughing again.

Jessica rolled her eyes, “oh, shut up,” she said. “You don’t know Justin like I do. He’s never _excited_ about anything. He thinks college is for, like, nerds. And rich people.”

“He said that?” Ani questioned.

Jessica shrugged casually, “something like that.” Still she couldn’t stop looking at him. He was paying attention. He was at the head of the group. He was listening to the tour guide. He was unrecognisable from the person she had known previously. She didn’t know how she felt about that. She hadn’t been well enough acquainted with the new Justin to decide.

“Maybe he’s just interested in the tour,” Ani said.

Jessica raised an eyebrow, seeing how Justin laughed when the tour guide said something that was not funny. “Or maybe he’s interested in the tour _guide_ ,” she said bitterly, squinting as she watched them. He was smiling, and his whole face lit up. It almost made Jessica smile too. He had that kind of affect on her.

“I doubt that,” Ani said. “Why would he flirt with her when you’re right here?”

Jessica shrugged. “Maybe he’s like… All better? He feels like he’s settling for me. And now that he’s clean he thinks he’s, like, some fucking player again.”

Ani laughed, “Justin? A player? You’re kidding me.”

Jessica rolled her eyes over to look at Ani patronisingly. “Trust me. He can be a huge fucking asshole when he wants to be.”

“Ever to you?” Ani asked curiously.

Jessica shrugged. “Never intentionally.” She was about to say something more about the way Justin had been before Ani came to Liberty but then she felt an arm snake its way around her neck, and then another around Ani’s.

“Hey ladies,” a voice said, leaning between the two them.

“Diego,” Ani acknowledged bitterly. Jessica grabbed Diego’s wrist as it hung over her shoulder and shoved it off.

“What do you want?” Jessica asked him with a sigh. She had to tear her attention away from Justin which was never fun and instead focus it on an idiot footballer. Also not her idea of fun.

“Wanted to drink in the sight of you both,” Diego said with a smile. Jessica and Ani exchanged annoyed looks before shaking him off.

“For real, Diego?” Ani asked him. “What the fuck do you want?”

Diego, sighing as he’d been caught out, relaxed his chauvinistic attitude and became serious. “I gotta ask the Pres if she knows whether we’ll be checking out any sports colleges through Liberty?”

Jessica’s face crinkled in annoyance, “why would I know that?” She asked. “Your sports mean shit all to me.”

Diego scoffed, smirking, “just thought you might know since Foley’s probably going to one, right?”

Jessica pursed her lips, and sure, the concept was relevant but it wasn’t true. “Uh, he never mentioned one,” she said offhandedly.

“What?” Diego said teasingly. “You didn’t put in a secret good word for him with Bolan so they could erase his grades from the last two years?”

Jessica cocked her head, mocking him. “Justin’s grades are fine. You should be more concerned with your own.” She was glaring at him, and looking right at his stupid face. She wanted to punch him. Deep down she always had. “Just go away,” she said with finality. And with a disheartened sigh, Diego hung back as Jessica and Ani continued walking. They walked, focusing on each other until Diego was far enough away once more. Then Jessica looked back at the front of the group. At Justin. And her blood boiled as he was talking to one of the senior cheerleaders. He was laughing, and smiling. Jessica’s brow furrowed in concern, and if anybody else were present they would have said jealousy but it wasn’t that. No. Jessica was concerned what this annoying cheerleader could have said whatsoever to make him laugh like that. It’s not like Hayley, yes that was her name, had any personality beyond being a dumb blonde cheerleader. Had Jessica been right? Now that Justin was clean, did that mean that she had competition again? Fuck no. He couldn’t do better than Jessica. And if he thought talking to some cheerleader, that had called her a slut last year, would do anything to make her jealous then he was wrong.

* * *

With her arms crossed, Jessica tapped Justin’s shoulder as she stood behind him. She pursed her lips and waited for him to turn around. It barely took a moment before he twisted around to face her, smiling politely. He did that all the time now, apparently. Smiled at people who weren’t Jessica. Like he was… happy, or something. Clay hadn’t stopped complaining since Justin got back. Nobody wanted a live in 18 year old therapist for a roommate who only two months ago had secretly been shooting heroin. And now suddenly it was like Justin knew everything there was to know. And he ignored everything else.

It didn’t annoy Jessica the way it annoyed Clay. Jessica found it sweet actually. His smile was her favourite thing in the world so when he smiled more, she got to see it more. The fact that she wasn’t the one causing it always hurt a little but she could overlook that. And she liked to see him happy, sometimes it was just hard when she wasn’t happy too. That was why she had blown him off today in the hallway. She had been freaking out about her problems, and she had promised to let Justin deal with his own problems and not hers. He needed space, and he needed a healthy environment. Jessica didn’t want to bring all her shit into his newly peaceful life and make him do something he would regret.

“Hey,” he said with a smile.

“Hey,” she deadpanned, then her eyebrows raised. “What were you and Hillary talking about?” She asked. Justin’s smile only widened like he was laughing.

“What?” He asked her. “Who is Hillary?” Jessica nodded her head in the direction of the cheerleader, and he made a face. “You mean Hayley?”

“Yeah,” she crossed her arms. “What was going on there? Was she flirting with you?”

Sighing, Justin rolled his eyes. His new and joyous attitude finally giving out. “What about you and Diego? Should I be asking what that was about?”

She squinted at him. “You don’t own me,” she said. “I can talk to other boys. And besides, he was being a dick and I told him to fuck off.”

Justin scoffed, “well you don’t own _me_. And I can talk to other girls.”

Jessica huffed a laugh. “What’d you talk about? Organising a date?” That only made him laugh.

Staring down at her, he chewed on his bottom lip. “Is this you being jealous?” He asked with a smile. “I’ve never seen you like this before.”

“I’m not jealous,” she insisted. “I just wanna know.”

He stared at her a moment, smiling, before he shook his head. “You have nothing to worry about,” he told her gently. “Why would I wanna date anybody who isn’t you?”

Jessica’s brow crinkled. “But you’ve barely spoken to me all week,” she said in disbelief. Part of her had been convinced he wanted nothing to do with her.

“ _You_ haven’t spoken to _me_ all week,” he threw back. “I thought you were ignoring me or something. You stormed out of the outhouse and I was waiting until you calmed down.”

Jessica shook her head. “I was waiting for _you_ ,” she insisted. “I thought we agreed this relationship was gonna be on your terms for a while.”

He managed to smile, “fuck, Jess,” he whispered, staring at her. “We’re both kinda dumb, aren’t we?” That made her giggle.

“We are,” she agreed. She shook her head, smiling. “I’m sorry I haven’t been around. I was just trying to give you the space you asked for.”

He pressed his lips together and looked down at his feet. “I didn’t wanna cut you off completely,” he said. “I just need to know I can stay clean by myself.”

She nodded, “I get that.”

He looked back up at her, curious. “What was up with you today, in the hallway?”

Jessica tucked her hair behind her ear, her lips turning down into a frown. “I was just worried… About the graffiti. And other stuff.”

His voice was gentle, “what other stuff?”

She pressed her lips together until they went red then she relaxed. “Bryce,” she said. “It’s always him. But I’ve started having, like, nightmares. I’ve started seeing him… Places.”

His brow furrowed and he stepped closer to her. “Seeing him? Like, hallucinations? Or some shit?”

She nodded. “He’s just standing there… In a room. On a field.” She glanced up at him with her eyes wide, feeling vulnerable for the first time in a long time. She looked over at the soccer field beside them and pointed. “He stands over there. Just watching me. Haunting me.”

Justin looked over but of course he saw nothing. He probably thought she was crazy. “Jess, I’m sorry,” he said softly. “Can I do anything to help?”

That made her smile as she stared at him. “You can just not tell anybody,” she said. “I don’t want people to freak out. I don’t want you to, either.” Then he reached out to her and she found herself drawn into hugging him. She wrapped her arms around his neck and buried her face in his neck.

“It’s gonna be okay,” he told her. “Everything is gonna work out.”

She sniffled, pulling back slightly from him. “How can you be so sure?” She asked quietly. “What if someone knows?”

“I can’t,” he whispered back. “But isn’t it better to live happy than in paranoia.” He was right. Maybe the new Justin was exactly what she needed right now. Someone to keep her sane. To keep her mind from wandering to thoughts of guilt and paranoia. Someone to keep her thinking positively, and dreaming of the future. And maybe she was exactly what he needed right now. Someone to respect his wishes. To understand him when he spoke. To care about him and watch out for him. Someone to make him feel normal.

As the crowd started to wander on from where they had stopped, Jessica pulled away from his arms with a smile. “You know I haven’t had sex in 36 days and two hours. That’s a lot for me.” He stared down at her smirk, laughing gently.

“It’s been that long for me, too.” Jessica chewed on her bottom lip, her eyes watching him. She knew exactly what that did to him. Her pretty brown eyes were widely innocent, but the thoughts behind them were anything but.

“Are you thinking what I’m thinking?”

His smile turned up, and he quickly glanced over at the people around them. “Jess,” he whispered with a laugh. “We shouldn’t.”

Her brow crinkled and she pouted. “Hmm, I think we should.” He leaned forward to her, and grazed his nose against her cheek until she smiled. Which didn’t take long. Then she reached up on her toes to kiss him. And he reached around to the nape of her neck and ran his hands through her hair, his fingers brushing through the waves as she held the kiss. It was their first kiss in a long time. And it was sweet and sensual, leaving them both wanting more. Jessica pulled back an inch, until their lips were almost touching. “Come on,” she whispered. “I can’t keep waiting.” Then she giggled, smiling against his lips.

“Fuck,” he whispered back, because he didn’t have the power to say no. He didn’t want to say no either. She pulled away from him, leaning back as he tried to follow her and kiss her once more. She smirked, moving further away to tease him and taking his hand. Jessica, smiling mischievously, pulled him away from the crowd and led him to a secluded area. Glancing back over shoulder at him, he noticed the way she was biting her lip again. It was so hard for him to use any common sense when she did that. She walked him around a classroom, and into an area surrounded by trees. It was empty, and practically abandoned. Jessica, her fingers still tightly wound around his wrist, pulled his hand closer until he was holding her waist. Her pace picked up and she pulled him over to the graffitied wall. Neither of them focused on anything else. She backed up, and he held her hips until she met the wall. With a smirk, she hooked one arm around his neck and pulled him in to smash her lips against his. It was fierce and passionate. She was desperate and longing. Her tongue slipped into his mouth and she let out a small moan as he held her against the wall until it hurt. But she could barely feel it. Arching her back, he slipped his arm around her waist and held the small of her back. As his lips moved down to kiss the corner of her lips, then her cheek and her jaw, Jessica’s head went back.

“This is hot,” she whispered. “I missed having dangerous sex.” He tried not to laugh as she referred to it as dangerous. There was something arousing about secret relationships, and about sneaking around and having sex in public places. Not that this was ever going to be anything along those terms.

“You should come over tonight,” he suggested between kisses on her neck. “Because I don’t have protection.” That made her giggle.

“God,” she moaned, but it sounded like a complaint. “You’re so forgetful.”

He smirked, “leave me alone,” he said as he bit her neck, “I didn’t think I’d need it.” She chuckled slightly, and he could feel it as he sucked on the skin of her neck until she made a painful noise. But then she stopped altogether. The hand she had in his hair stopped and she screwed up her face.

“What the fuck is that smell?” She asked in genuine disgust. He moved back to look around at where they were, and he held her close in case something was wrong. Jessica clung to him, her arms hooked around his neck as she stared around in confusion.

“What?” He asked. “It kinda just… smells like weed.” That only upset Jessica more. She stared around with her face crinkled in concern.

“Oh my god,” she complained, staring at their surroundings. “We gotta get the hell out of here.”

He only smiled at the cute expression on her face. “Why? What is it?” She unhooked her arms from around his neck and grabbed his hands instead.

“Come on,” she said, slipping away from the graffitied wall and pulling him along with her. Her pace picked up so much it was almost like he was being dragged away.

“Jess,” he protested with a laugh, “what’s wrong?” A minute ago she was giggling and now the smell of weed made her uncomfortable.

She was storming away from the building and back to their group, her hand tightly holding his. “There were fucking joints everywhere,” she complained. “And there was a pipe on the ground, and a needle. Fuck that.” She looked back over her shoulder at him, her eyes innocent and wide. “Are you okay?”

He tried not to laugh at her concern. “Jess, I’m fine,” he assured her. “My sobriety is going pretty strong.” She gave him a sweet smile, a grateful one, as they rejoined the group and then released his hand. He stood beside her at the back of the group, snaking his hand around her waist and touching the small of her back.

“I just didn’t want it to trigger anything,” she said gently so nobody else could hear.

“I know,” he said back. “I get it.” They stood there quietly, listening to the tour guide go on again about the old buildings around them. He looked over at her again, and Jessica looked bored out of her mind listening to Amanda talk and talk and talk. “I have an interview,” he said quietly with a smile and Jessica glanced over at him. “With the dean.”

“For here?” She asked and he nodded enthusiastically. “Shit,” she said, “that’s amazing.”

He smiled even wider, “I know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> abrupt ending. don't ask why i didn't know what else to do. also haven't checked it over so it could have had some mistakes oops


	3. Valentine's Day

“Wow,” Jessica drawled sarcastically, looking up at him from her phone. “Leaving so soon?” Justin glanced over and saw she was lying across the middle of her bed, her legs bent. The only thing she had done since he began to redress was pull her underwear on and grab her phone. It was like she had no cares in the world. She was content.

“I have that essay to finish,” he told her. “For Sanderson.”

She pouted. “Another essay? I think I liked you better when you weren’t a nerd.” He smirked, reaching over to grab her shirt from the desk chair and then he threw it at her on the bed. She groaned as it covered her whole face, and he laughed.

“And I think I like you better like this,” he retorted, smiling. She made no effort to remove it. She just lay there, unmoving until he got bored. Justin crawled onto the bed, sitting over her and pulling the shirt off her face. Jessica’s eyes met his immediately, and she looked jokingly annoyed. Her eyes were squinting at him, like she was about to roll them and he couldn’t help but laugh. He leaned in and kissed her until she smiled, and giggled against his lips. He put his hands in her hair for the millionth time today and she dropped her phone to hold his face.

“Stay,” she whispered against his lips as he tried to hold the kiss. He could feel her back arching underneath him and he pulled away slightly, so he could look at her.

“I can’t. I’ve been here for hours.” She pouted, reaching up to kiss him again but he moved back an inch so she missed. Which only made her small pout turn into a scowl. And somehow she was even cuter.

“I’ll help you write your essay. Come on. Stay.” He leaned closer again and smiled against her lips.

“It’s due tonight, and you’re too distracting.” Her only response was a smirk, followed by a sensual moan of agreement. Which only confirmed his point. She was hard to resist, especially when she made it her life’s mission to make him stay longer.

The corners of her lips turned up and she looked at him innocently. “I don’t see why you need to apply to Sanderson,” she complained. “You’re like practically already into Occidental. And it’s so much better. Further away, too.”

He shrugged. “It doesn’t matter how far away it is. Just as long as it’s college.”

Jessica huffed a small laugh, the corners of her lips turning up. “I thought you’d be the first person to wanna get the hell out of this place.” She watched as the loving look in his eyes faded and she tilted her head. “What? What is it?” With a sigh, he moved over and collapsed beside her on the bed, staring up at the ceiling. Her brow crinkled and she turned on her side to look at him in concern. “What?” She tried again, her voice almost a whisper. Her face hovered over his as she stared, watching and waiting.

“Sanderson is free,” he said quietly. And there were a million different meanings behind that sentence, but Jessica, being the smartest person he knew, understood right away. Her lips turning into a frown, she reached out to touch his cheek.

“That’s why you wanna go,” she whispered back, “you don’t wanna cost the Jensen’s any money.”

“Any _more_ money,” he corrected. Staring at him, thinking out her words, she wet her lips with her tongue.

“Listen,” she said, “you shouldn’t worry about that. College is so fucking important to you, and you have the chance to go. To a really good one.” She blinked as if the answer was obvious. “They love you, and they want you to have a future.” Then one corner of her lips turned up as she smirked. “They’re not Amber.”

He laughed softly, “no, they’re not.” A smile graced her face then and she kissed him lightly until he smiled back.

“Don’t give up a future you worked hard for just because you were raised to think you don’t deserve it.” She leaned in so close to him that her nose grazed against his cheek as she nearly kissed him again. “I think it’s sweet that you care,” she said, smirking. “It’s kind of a turn on.” That made him laugh, rolling his eyes playfully.

“Jess,” he complained. “I have to go.” He reached around and ran his hand down from the nape of her neck to the curve of her back. A small but appreciate smile graced her lips as she leaned in.

“How long until I can kiss you in public again?” She asked and he shrugged.

“A while,” he said. “I’m still getting through the first steps of leaving rehab. Going to meetings, avoiding replacements, working on my relationships.” Jessica was nodding along as she listened, genuinely interested in what he was saying.

“Why haven’t I heard about your meetings? You love complaining about boring shit.” That made him chuckle, and Jessica bit her lip as she stared at him.

“My first one is tomorrow night,” he explained. “Coach Kerba told me about it. The other one wasn’t good. I kinda gave up.”

She pouted sympathetically, “well, I hope this one is better,” she said. And he nodded that he hoped so too. Then her pout turned into a genuine frown. “Tomorrow night?” She clarified.

“Yeah,” he said and Jessica’s eyes turned sad.

“So that’s why you didn’t ask me to the dance,” she said with disappointment.

“Shit,” he whispered. “Jess, I’m sorry.”

Her brow furrowed, “don’t be. It’s fine.” She shrugged her shoulders casually. “I’ll find another date, it’s fine. Not like you would have gone with me anyway.” It was true. For one thing a high school dance was not a good place for him with the pot and the drinking, and secondly, Jessica and him were supposed to be on a break publicly. After Sanderson they had started actually talking again. They didn’t see each other in the halls and they didn’t even smile at each other if they did. Everybody thought they were broken up, and sometimes they fed into the narrative by complaining to people about the other. All in good nature. It was that Jessica’s hair was too shiny today. Or that Justin was way too nice to that freshman girl looking for the science classroom. But then after school they would text. Or, if Jessica texted him that she was home alone for a bit, he would sneak out for a few hours. He just needed his space. He needed to know that if Jessica broke up with him tomorrow that he’d be fine. Maybe not fine, but he wouldn’t relapse if she did. He was learning to create a balance between being independent as a recovering addict, and asking for help when he needed it. And right now Jessica was his best source for both. She gave him space but she was also a voice of reason and support.

Staring at her solemn expression, he really could have stayed there for hours and abandoned his essay. “I’ll see,” he told her gently, noticing that she was off in her thoughts considering who she wanted to ask to the dance. “I might be able to make it.” That he doubted. He really wasn’t sure.

“It’s okay,” she assured him. “The meeting is way more important. And Zach’s gonna be wasted and you don’t need to deal with seeing him like that again. I’m good on my own. Who cares.” She sighed, moving back and collapsing beside him on the bed as well. “Okay, I’m not horny anymore so you should go before I change my mind.” He tried not to laugh at the bored look on her face. Sitting up on the bed, he grabbed her hand and brought it up so he could kiss the tattoo on her forearm. That made her giggle.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” he said against her skin. As he released her hand she brought it up to caress his cheek.

“You’ve got five seconds,” she whispered, “to get out of my room. Or you’ll be staying for dinner.”

He smirked, climbing off of the bed. “Sounds romantic,” he mocked.

Jessica scoffed a laugh, “shut up and get out.” Grinning, he picked up his jacket from the floor and stepped over to the side of her bed. She stared up at him, reaching out for his hand and smirking.

He leaned over the side of the bed and kissed her one last time, whispering against her lips. “Goodnight.” And she smiled. She loved to smile, and everybody loved to make her smile. When he pulled away she reached for him but he nimbly moved away. She withdrew her arms and let them flop beside her on the bed.

“Goodnight,” she said back as he started to climb out her window. “And your essay is gonna be great. Don’t stress.”

He smirked, backing off the rooftop of her house. “Well, if I do stress I know who to call.” And with that he disappeared into the afternoon setting sun.

* * *

“So you don’t have a date?” Estella asked, her innocent eyes wide. Jessica tapped the notebook in front of her and furrowed her brow.

“Get back to work,” she scolded, before glancing around the library to see if anybody heard. No one looked. “I don’t have a date, no,” Jessica confirmed belatedly. “But that doesn’t matter. I’m the student body president. I don’t need one.”

“It’s a Valentines Dance,” Estella insisted. “It’s about love.”

Jessica shrugged. “Oh well, self love is a form of love. And I’m happy without a stupid fucking boyfriend.” Then she bit her tongue. “Stupid boyfriend,” she corrected, “ignore the other word.”

Estella giggled. “I’ve heard people swear. I’m not a child.”

Jessica tapped her pen against the paper as she watched Estella mark down some notes. “Well, why do you care about my dating life?” Jessica asked her.

Estella shrugged. “Just curious. I was wondering who you’d go with since you and Justin are broken up.”

Jessica bit her lip, tired of the conversation. “Love is complicated,” she said. “I don’t wanna go with anybody else because it would feel wrong. I’d rather spend the dance by myself than go with someone I don’t love.”

Estella gave her a small smile. “You love him?”

Jessica stared at the page, realising what she had just said. “Yeah,” she admitted. “I do.”

“Then why did you break up?”

Jessica shrugged her shoulders. “It’s complicated. Sometimes when you genuinely care about someone more than you care about your own happiness, you sacrifice things.”

Estella smiled. “You should be a relationship councillor,” she said with such childlike innocence.

“I’d be a shitty councillor,” Jessica told her in all seriousness. “I have no advice to give. I’ve been waiting around for someone that any proper councillor would tell me not to wait for.”

Estella shrugged, “well, I guess that’s love, isn’t it? It’s complicated.”

Jessica pressed her lips together, displeased. “Don’t get bold, kid. Boys are messy. They’re overrated. So are girls, if that’s what you’re into. People… _People_ are messy and complicated. Individuality is a goddamn blessing… You shouldn’t be with another person until you know for sure who you are as an individual. And that’s hard to do in high school.” Jessica learnt this after months of difficult recovery, and she had come out of it prouder than ever. Maybe that was why she was so willing to give Justin space. She knew first hand how beneficial it was, and she loved him more than she loved herself, more than she loved her happiness.

“So, that’s why you broke up?” Estella asked.

Jessica shrugged her shoulders casually. “It’s not important. Just listen to me. Sex and romance aren’t everything. Being happy with your life, and who you are and who you wanna be, that’s what’s important. That comes first, always. Beyond that boys are irrelevant.” She shook her head, staring at her hands. “Estella, you should love people because you _do_. Not because the world wants you to. Not because society makes you think it’s what defines your teenaged life. That’s fucking stupid.”

Estella smiled. “You said fucking.”

Jessica raised an eyebrow at her, “and I meant it.”

* * *

“All alone tonight?” Diego asked, waltzing up to her with a smug smile.

Jessica turned her scowl to him. “I’m sorry, what?” She made a sarcastic face. “I can’t hear you over how loud your misogyny is.”

Diego’s face screwed up as he laughed. “Misogyny?” He asked her. “What did I do to you?”

Jessica rolled her eyes, taking a step away from him on the dance floor. “You existed. Right now that’s enough to piss me off.” She flicked her hair over her shoulder and turned away from him.

“Jessica,” he complained. “Why are you doing this?” His expression was back to that smirking look that made him seem all the more punchable.

“You called me ‘lady’ today. Don’t fucking do that.”

He made a face. “I was trying to be polite.”

Jessica rolled her eyes. “It was condescending,” she told him. “I don’t like that.” She had made it abundantly clear in class too.

Diego’s smirk remained plastered on his face. “No, of course. You like junkies who can barely form a coherent sentence.”

Crossing her arms across her chest, she tried not to let the dig get to her. “That was unnecessary, and incorrect. What is your fucking problem?”

“What?” Diego’s eyebrows went up. “You don’t like him anymore? You guys are split up for good?”

Jessica shook her head defiantly. “You don’t know shit about my life.”

“Well I do know that if you want him back. Or even here tonight. The best way to do that is to make him jealous.”

She glared at him. “I’m not an asshole,” she retorted. “And I don’t need your input.”

Diego smirked, “I saw the face you made at me today. I see how you looked at me. There is something between us.”

Entertained by his boldness, Jessica raised an eyebrow. “Boys so often confuse a girls dislike for love, don’t they? Chasing after us until we give in to you and say yes. But that’s not gonna work on me.”

Diego’s smirk stayed in place, “well, you put the word love in there, not me.”

Jessica’s eyes rolled back into her head and she felt the urge to just walk away, but she knew he’d follow her. “Once again you missed my entire point.” She ran her tongue over her teeth and sighed. “Just walk away Diego. I’m not interested.”

He smirked, staying in place. “Not until I get one dance.”

“Why?” She asked him quizzically, her eyes glaring into his.

“You’re here alone. I’m here alone. You look mad hot tonight, and I do too, if I say so myself.”

She scoffed a sarcastic laugh. “You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me.” She turned on her heels, tired of him and walked off. Leaving him all alone on the dance floor. The night had been good until he annoyed her. She crossed the dance floor, ideally heading to see Ani and Clay on the other side but she stopped midway once she caught sight of Zach squeezing onto the ass of some girl he was dancing with. Jessica screwed up her face and stormed over to him.

“Zach!” She demanded, splitting the two of them up. “What the hell are you doing?” He was unstable on his feet, angry at her for getting between him and his partner. She turned her angry, dangerous glare on him and hoped it would intimidate him.

“What do you want Jess?” He asked. “Justin’s not here so you have to control everything I do?”

She screwed up her face, “what the fuck is wrong with you?” Zach just rolled his eyes and went back to his date. “Zach, I’m sick of this,” she said. “I don’t know what the fuck is up with you but it needs to end. You need to get it the fuck together.”

The corners of Zach’s smile went up mockingly. “Since when do you give a shit about anybody beyond yourself. Or,” he said with a smirk, “whoever you’re currently fucking.”

Jessica ran her tongue over her teeth in rage and pushed herself between Zach and his date, she leaned in close to him and whispered. “You’ve got no fucking right to be acting like this. You’ve got no fucking right to be drinking and taking _drugs_ like you’re some fucked up kid with a sob story. No fucking right, Zach, to be endangering Justin’s recovery like this.” She leaned in really close and glared at him. “You’re not an asshole. Get it the fuck together.” She pushed herself away from him to make her point and then stormed off, leaving him and his confused date in the middle of the dance floor. Nobody noticed. Nobody did anything. Jessica was too powerful, and she was right. Whatever the fuck happened to Zach was affecting him in a terrible way, and she was concerned. And regardless of how much Zach hated her now for the Bryce thing, and Homecoming, he was a danger to Justin. That meant he was a red flag. That meant Jessica had to deal with him, and had to make this clear so that Justin never had to deal with it himself. Jessica refused to let Zach’s stupid quarter life crisis stop her boyfriend from recovering. And she refused to let Zach ruin his own future over one fight on a football field. Jessica made her way across the floor to where Ani was minding her purse. She had put it down to go get a drink of water before she was rudely interrupted. Ani met her with a kind smile, a curious one too.

“What was that?” She asked and Jessica waved it away with a gesture of her hand.

“Zach. Being a dick.”

“I’m worried about him,” Ani admitted. “Very worried.”

Jessica nodded. “Me too. And if he gets too close to Justin… I think I’m worried about that even more.”

Ani pressed her lips together. “Do you mean that in a loving way because you want to protect him? Or in a lack of trust way, where you don’t think Justin can handle his own sobriety?”

Jessica’s eyebrow went up. “What’s that supposed to mean?” She held her hand out and Ani passed her phone over. Jessica was awaiting a text from him anyway.

“I just mean that… You shouldn’t worry too much. He seems like he’s doing well. And if you do worry too much, you might drive him further away.”

Jessica huffed a sigh. “I guess,” she said. “I just want him to be successful.”

Ani was curious. “For your sake or for his?” That was a question that rang true in Jessica’s mind. She stood there, staring at Ani on the stands, and carefully considering the question.

“Both,” she answered belatedly. “For both our sakes.” Then she turned on her phone and swiped the screen eagerly to see Justin’s response to her text. She had told him how lame the dance was and how lucky he was to have missed it. His response from an hour ago was that she probably looked too good and everybody was too intimidated by her. So she sent him back an eye roll emoji followed by a winking face. She looked up from the phone and shut it off, glancing around. “Where’s Clay?” Jessica asked.

Ani shrugged sadly. “He walked off to answer some phone call. He’s been gone for ages.”

With a disappointed sigh, Jessica sat down beside her on the row of seats. “Boys suck,” she said.“Well, most boys… Some boys… The ones that suck suck.”

Ani laughed. “You’re not wrong,” she agreed. “I can’t think of a single one that doesn’t suck. I think I’d much rather date girls.”

To that Jessica smiled. “Right? But they’re not all bad,” she said. “You just gotta find the right one. The one that shows up for you in a way you want him to… Don’t be a 17 year old married woman putting up with some gross mans shit because society has convinced her she’s too old to live alone.”

Ani smirked, “that’s incredibly specific,” she said. “Very, very strange, Jessica.”

Jessica shrugged. “I just wanted to make a good point.” She looked out over the crowd and saw people dancing with their dates like it was the end of time. The music pounding through the speakers like the world was fun and exciting. Like they were all completely and obliviously happy. Then she did a double take. And then another. Because she swore on her life that she spotted Justin on the other side of the room. Her feet moving before her mind had a moment to catch up, she stood up and started to walk over. He was talking to Diego, arguing by the looks of it. She sped up, desperate to know what was going on. Jessica dodged people dancing on the floor, tightening her hands into fists at her sides, wondering why Diego was intent on ruining her night.

“Justin?” She called out, as she finally caught up to him by the entrance. He immediately looked over at her, his entire sentence cutting off. “What are you doing here?”

As soon as he saw her, looking her up and down, he smiled. “Jess,” he said and she reached out to him, coming to his side. Her arms slipped around his waist and she hugged herself to him until he gently laughed. “What are you doing?” He asked her, leaning down. But they were interrupted by Diego’s confused questions.

“What the hell is going on?” He asked them. “Are you two still fucking?” Jessica pulled away, withdrawing her arms and glaring at Diego. “Jess, come on, tell me you’re not wasting your life on him.”

Before she could bite back an insult, Justin spoke up. “We’re not,” he said calmly. “I’m just bringing her phone. She left it in class and I picked it up.”

Diego smirked, “so why were you picking a fight with me over her?”

Justin shrugged casually. “I wasn’t. I was just telling you to leave her alone.” Jessica’s brow furrowed and she rolled her eyes at them both.

“Jesus,” she complained. “I’m not a fucking object to fight over. I’m here alone tonight.” With that she grabbed Justin by the arm and pulled him away from Diego. She walked and walked, with him following her from behind. Her fingers slipped from his forearm to his hand until their fingers intertwined and they were out of view from anybody. She pulled him down some stairs and away from the gym until they were in a corridor with lockers and classrooms.

“What are we doing?” He asked her once she finally stopped by the first locker she could find. She let his hand go and stood with her back to the lockers facing him.

“We’re talking,” she told him. “People do that when they date. And if they’re dating in secret they have to talk in secret.” 

He looked down at his feet, then back up at her. “Am I in trouble?” He asked her curiously.

Grinning, she shook her head. “God, no. You’re too cute.” He broke into a smile then and she put her hands on his cheeks, looking at him. “But if you come by after school tomorrow, you might be in trouble. And it’ll get hot.”

He tried not to laugh at her strange sexual comments as she leaned in to kiss him. “Jess,” he paused her gently, trying to be careful, “sex is off the table for a while.”

Her brow furrowed. “What do you mean?”

He waved his hand casually. “Sex,” he said again, “we can’t. Not while I’m recovering.”

Slowly, she nodded. “Okay,” she whispered. “Can I ask why?”

He shrugged his shoulders carefully, her hands still holding his cheeks. “It’s addictive. My brain is still,” he made a face as he tried to find the words, “looking for a new outlet and I can’t let it get like that.”

“Okay,” she said. “That makes sense. And it’s a huge compliment that I’m addictive.”

He leaned in and kissed her then, like she had wanted him to. “You don’t wanna be,” he said against her lips. “At least not right now.”

She kissed him back once, before pulling away. “How was the meeting?” She asked him, her eyes wide with innocent curiosity.

“It was good,” he said honestly. “I didn’t expect it to be.”

She smiled, happy to hear it. “Did you have to introduce yourself?” She asked him.

He nodded. “It was so awkward.”

Jessica giggled. “I know, right? Like, and you have to say what happened to you, like, come on we all know why we’re here.” He laughed with her.

“Weird,” he said in agreement, nodding. “But the coach was there. Which was strange, but also, like, good? You know?”

Jessica nodded. “That’s great. He could really help you.”

“Yeah,” Justin agreed with enthusiasm which only made Jessica smile wider. “How’s the dance?”

Jessica only rolled her eyes. “Boring as fuck,” she complained. “Don’t even know why you came.”

“Charlie texted me,” he said casually. “He said Diego wouldn’t leave you alone and that you weren’t having a good time.”

Jessica scowled, “so he texted you?” She rolled her eyes. “What am I? Some damsel in distress. I can handle my shit.”

“I know,” he said in a small voice. “I just wanted to surprise you. It was the least I could do.”

She tilted her head. “I knew you’d come,” she said offhandedly. “You’re predictable.”

He laughed, taking offence. “How cruel. And on Valentines Day?”

Jessica rolled her eyes. “It’s just a stupid dance. And it’s just an excuse for people to get drunk and hook up with someone. It’s stupid.” Then she groaned. “Besides,” Jessica complained. “Valentines Day is just a way for capitalist industries to make fuck tons of money off of people’s loneliness or avid sex lives. It’s fucked up. It shouldn’t even be a thing.”

“Isn’t that just what they tell people who are alone on Valentines Day to make them feel better about themselves.” Jessica looked up and glared at him, then she elbowed him in the arm.

“Shut up,” she said. “You’re practically alone on Valentines Day too. Don’t you think the whole thing is pointless?”

He shrugged. “I do, but I’ve also never seen a point to most celebrations. Let alone one about love or whatever.” He made a face. “Clay says he doesn’t believe that love actually exists, and that he feels nothing for Ani.” Jessica rolled her eyes at that. “Seriously,” he insisted. “He’s going through some fucking crisis where everything is terrible and he hates the world. And possibly me. And Ani. And everybody. And it’s fucking annoying.” Jessica reached out to touch his arm in comfort, she ran her fingers along his jacket and watched his expression.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “But if he doesn’t like her why did he come to the dance?” She pouted. “Ani was gonna go with me as a friend but then Clay asked her.”

Justin shrugged. “He probably felt guilty. Probably realised that today is the one day he has to actually show up for the title of boyfriend.”

Jessica groaned in annoyance, and leaned back against the wall, her head smacking against it in exhaustion. “You know what also pisses me off?” She said. “The idea that Valentines Day is the only day people should show up for their partner.” Jessica rolled her eyes. “I can’t imagine being one of those women whose husband only does the dishes on Valentines Day, her birthday or Mothers Day.”

Justin smirked, on the verge of laughter, coming to stand beside her against the lockers. “Trust me, Jess. No guy will ever be bold enough to do the bare fucking minimum for you.”

Smirking with him, she pretended to moan. “That’s so sexy,” she said with a laugh.

He turned to look at her on the wall beside him. “I’m sorry,” he said. “That I didn’t show up for you the one night of the year I should have, and that I was supposed to.”

That only made her smile. “Justin, it’s like a hundred times hotter and more romantic when you do it on any day other than Valentines Day.” They both shared a laugh. “You have another 364 days, so use them well.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> idk at this point the fic is pure fluff while shit goes down. also yeah, jessica being a character independent of her relationship with a boy? we love that. girl im so mad about what they did to you this season. she was grossly out of character. and i cannot imagine why they thought making her storyline revolve around screwing some random new guy was a good idea. it did nothing for the plot whatsoever. it just made justin all alone in his struggles when following s1-3 jessica, she would have been there to love and support him through all of it.


	4. Senior Camping Trip

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we could have had it all...... instead i had to see diego and jess nearly fucking because they ruined her character. anyway. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it. but i DID love justin in this episode and he was funny as. im sorry i couldn't do any justice to that but i tried my goddam best.

“Wanna get lost in the woods with me?” Jessica asked, looking beside her at Justin. He was barely listening, watching instead as Clay stood up from beside him and walked off as though he couldn’t get away fast enough. Jessica noticed the concerned look on Justin’s face and so she tapped his shoulder. “Hey,” she said to get his attention. “Do you wanna be my partner for this stupid game?”

He looked over at her, hesitating, “um…” He looked back again at Clay who was pairing up with Tony instead, and then he shook his head casually. “Sure,” he decided belatedly. Jessica waited until he looked back at her, she felt a smile creep onto her features as she stared.

“You don’t sound too sure,” she said jokingly. “You can say no, I’ll just find someone else.” Could she though? It seemed like everybody else was paired up with someone. Alex with Tyler, Zach with Charlie, Clay with Tony… Ani was gone. All the senior HO girls were paired up. It was only her and Justin left, unless she wanted to ask Diego which sounded more like punishment than anything else.

“No,” he insisted, “we’ll have fun.” He gave her a confident smile, as if to assure both of them and she nodded in agreement.

“We will,” she said, leaning in close to kiss him beside her. When her nose grazed against his, that was when he genuinely smiled against her lips.

“Jess,” he protested quietly, “people are looking.”

She smirked, looking at him closely. “Then let’s start the game so we can be alone.” He smiled back, and she had to fight not to run her fingers over his cheeks. She closed her eyes and looked away instead. “Come on,” she said. She reached for his hand as she stood up and intertwined their fingers. He hesitantly stood up beside her and she weaved her way through the empty tables to the back of the line of students. There were five couples ahead of them and Jessica rolled her eyes as they stood and waited, eager to get searching for whatever the point of this stupid game was. Justin looked out, searching for Clay but came up empty handed. He and Tony had already left to complete the game, so had all their other friends. Jessica looked over at her partner in concern. “Hey,” she said gently, getting his nervous attention. She waited until their eyes met before she softened her expression. “Don’t worry about Clay,” she said. “Tony will make sure he doesn’t do anything stupid.”

Justin only scoffed, he didn’t believe that. “Aren’t you worried about that email?” He asked her quietly.

Jessica nodded. “Of course I am,” she insisted. “But I know I’m not gonna break. They’re not getting shit from me. Or you.”

“What about Clay?”

Jessica looked down at her feet, biting her bottom lip nervously. “He is the worst of us,” she admitted. “But he’d never do anything to put us all in danger.”

Justin nodded. “Yeah, I know,” he agreed. “But he’s really not himself. I don’t know who he is anymore.”

Jessica pressed her lips together as she stared at her partner. He was worried, which made her worried. “Seriously,” she said in a whisper. “Don’t worry about it. Everybody will keep it together, or _everybody_ goes down.” Then she smirked. “Come on,” she urged, “what happened to my new and improved boyfriend who only saw the positives?”

Justin huffed a laugh, “I don’t know. He’s taking a day off.”

Jessica pouted, “that’s too bad. He made me laugh.”

Scowling, Justin looked away. “Well, maybe you two should get a room together.”

Jessica snorted a laugh, moving around so he had to look at her. “Are you jealous of yourself?” That made him smile wider than he had all day, laughing gently under his breath at the stupidity of it. She really wanted to kiss him. Like _really_ wanted to. She just wanted to take his hand and walk off into the empty forest where they could be alone. Not that they could do anything. She was strictly sworn off sex for the next month or so until he was in a good place with his recovery. And that wasn’t her complaining, no, she was just a little… Horny. She had only had sex once in the last three months and that wasn’t much for her. And that was hard. Because the new and improved Justin, which was what Ani called him for some reason, was hot. He smiled all the time, and he always paid attention when Jessica spoke, he was excited about life which made Jessica excited about life. He said woke things all the time, and that always made her a little horny. He was wonderful. She would have said perfect, if they weren’t currently being hunted for covering up a murder. God, it was like torture for her. Because she was so happy for him, but at the same time she wanted him all to herself.

“I’m surprised,” Laine said as they finally stepped up to the bench, “to see you two partnered up. I thought rehab had you on a break.” She eyed them both suspiciously and they probably looked incredibly guilty of something, nobody could say what.

Jessica’s lips formed a tight smile. “We are. But we’re still friends.”

Laine’s eyebrow went up as she nodded unconvinced. “Right,” she muttered. “Well, I hope you’ll be safe and mature about it.” She glanced between them both, hoping they understood her meaning.

Justin laughed quietly. “We’re good,” he assured her. “Clay abandoned me and Jessica was looking for a partner.”

Jessica nodded. “Circumstance,” she confirmed with finality. Laine didn’t believe them for a second, but the smile that spread across her face meant that she thought they were cute together.

“Okay,” she said, handing over the clues and then the GPS to Justin. “Be safe,” she insisted, looking at them both with a double meaning behind her eyes. She knew. She totally knew they were still together. Shit. Jessica gave her a smile and elbowed Justin to start walking. He got the message fairly quickly and turned away. They walked in silence until they were out of earshot before coming into a secluded part of the forest where they both began to laugh.

“Shit,” Jessica said, her smile wide. “Mrs Jensen is definitely onto us.”

“It’s fine,” Justin said casually. “She’s not gonna do anything about it. She’s way more concerned about Clay.” Frowning, Jessica took a step closer to him and gently put her fingers to his arm.

“Are you concerned about Clay?” She asked him, and she knew he was. She just wanted him to talk about it.

“Obviously, but…” Justin stared beyond her, he was thinking about something. “But he refuses my help. He’s just so…”

“Stoic?” She prompted. “Repressed?”

Justin made a face, “I don’t know what those words mean, but you’re probably right.” Jessica tried to smile, leaning in to kiss him gently so he would lighten up. Fucking Clay, was all she could think though.

“Forget about Clay,” she said, her face close to his. “Just for now, okay? You need to focus on your shit alone. No one else’s. It’s not your fucking job.” She widened her eyes, jokingly. “You’re not Clay. Stop pretending to be.”

That made him laugh slightly. “I’m sorry,” he said softly.

“And don’t fucking apologise,” she muttered, stressing every syllable. “I love you and I’m trying to help you. No saying you’re sorry, okay. Fuck that.” She pointed to the sheet of clues and then the GPS device in his hands. “Just focus on this for now. Forget everything, and everyone, else.”

* * *

“Here!” Jessica cried out in excitement, she glanced down at the clues in one hand and the GPS in the other. “This is the first spot,” she said, turning back to Justin who was tiredly wandering behind her, caught up in whatever he was worried about. Jessica guessed Clay but she couldn’t be sure. She’d taken both the clues and the GPS after he dropped the latter in mud trying to get it to work. And then he had also been pretty shitty with trying to understand the clues so she took that too. He protested, a lot. But Jessica just wanted to get the whole thing over and done with, and she liked to be in control. He had, at least until two minutes ago, walked right beside her and been involved. Now something had distracted him.

“What?” He asked her, glancing up.

Jessica widened her eyes at him in annoyance. “First spot,” she said again, “for the clues.” She went over to the large cave built into the mountain wall and glanced back at Justin again, waiting for him to finally catch up. When he eventually came to stand beside her, his face screwed up looking into the pitch black opening.

“A cave? Really?” Jessica reached up and tapped her fingers against his back.

“Off you go,” she said. “You can look.”

He cocked his head to the side and glanced at her with a frown. “Seriously?”

She gave him a small smile. “I’m joking,” she said. “Have you got a flashlight? It’s kinda dark.” With a sigh, he reached into the pocket of his jacket and pulled out a tiny cheap flashlight before holding it out to her. Her face lit up and she grinned. “It’s so cute,” she cooed and he rolled his eyes at her but there was a small hint of a smile on his face. Jessica took the light and clicked it on before pointing it ahead into the cave. As soon as the flashlight shone inside, Jessica’s heart pounded in her chest at what she saw, and she screamed. “What the fuck!” She dropped the flashlight onto the ground and took a few steps back, her feet moving before her brain could comprehend it. Unable to forget what she had just seen, Jessica turned away and stared back out at the forest, her heart pounding and her eyes wide.

Justin stared in confusion, alarmed by Jessica’s reaction more so than what he saw. “What? What the fuck?” He reached down and picked up the flashlight from the ground and Jessica cowered back, still scared to turn around.

“There is a fucking body! A fucking dead body!” Justin wasn’t fazed, he shone the light into the cave and shrugged.

“Jess,” he said, his tone on the verge of laughter, “it’s fucking fake.” He went into the cave and kneeled over the fake body sitting up against the cave wall. It was was no skeleton, just a rotting corpse. It looked human enough though. He tried to stop laughing as he picked up the bloodied severed arm from the cave floor. “Jess, come and look,” he urged.

With a groan, Jessica turned around and took a few steps toward him. “I hate you,” she snarked and he only laughed. “Don’t fucking laugh at me. It was scary!” He stopped laughing as requested and held the severed arm out to her.

“Look,” he insisted, “it’s fake.” Kneeling beside him, she stared at the sincerity in his eyes before she decided to trust him. She always trusted him, eventually. Then she reached out to grab the severed arm by the wrist. And right then, when her heart had just started to settle from pounding out of her chest, he suddenly made a growling noise and aggressively shook the severed arm at her, making her heart pound even more. To which he began to laugh again. 

“What the fuck!” She cried out and the hand split from the arm and fell onto her lap, then the ground. “You’re such a fucking asshole. Oh my God.” She shoved his shoulder until he was unsteady on his feet and had to catch himself on one hand.

“I’m kidding,” he relented, “you’re just an easy scare.” He threw the arm back with the body and picked the severed hand up from where it sat at Jessica’s feet. He flung that back too and then he was done with the whole thing. Jessica was staring at the body, looking it up and down.

“Justin,” she said quietly. “Do you think it looks like Bryce?”

He screwed up his face and snorted a laugh. “It’s a sex doll, Jess.” He poked the painted on eye of it with his finger. “Someone just dressed it in a Liberty jacket to make it look human.” Then he smirked. “Do you think it’s been used.”

Jessica only rolled her eyes at his childishness, but she wasn’t so sure. “But it looks like him,” she said in a small voice. She couldn’t stop looking at it. The blue face. The large body. The sopping wet blonde hair. It was him. When he drowned. And now he was sitting in this cave staring at the other side of the wall.

“Hey,” Justin whispered to her, catching on that something was wrong. “It’s not him. It’s not real.” He was staring at her, watching her and wondering what the fuck she was seeing that he wasn’t. She could feel his eyes on her, and she didn’t mind that. But she could feel other eyes on her. Dead, cold eyes. Bryce’s eyes. And that was when she swore the eyes moved on the body. Her knee jerk reaction was to run, she came to her feet, stumbling back and staring at the open eyes. The eyes that slowly moved towards her.

“What the fuck,” she cried. Her feet catching as she tried to run, but she was afraid to look away, lest she did and it jumped up and came running after her.

“Jess,” Justin came to his feet and went after her, concerned. “It’s okay,” he said. Her eyes were wide as she stared at the unmoving body. He was smart enough to stand in front of her, between her and the fake body so she didn’t have to look at it. She was forced to look at him instead. “What did you see?” He asked her gently. There were tears welling in her eyes, there had been since she first thought she was looking at Bryce’s body. When she blinked up at Justin, she felt a tear begin to fall. She felt weak. She felt stupid. Crazy, even.

Her lips quivered, “I don’t know,” she whispered to him. He frowned, his brow furrowing deeply as he tried to work out what the hell was going on with her. But Jessica had no answer for him. He took a step closer and wrapped his arms around her. She gave in, too vulnerable to resist or act like nothing was wrong. She buried her face into his shoulder but she didn’t cry. She didn’t want to be weak, or hurt. Instead, from some kind of inner strength, Jessica stretched up on her toes and nervously looked over his shoulder at the cave. It was pitch black again. The body really was just a stupid sex doll. Bryce was gone, and maybe he had taken Jessica’s sanity with him.

* * *

“And your parents are too rich,” Jessica mocked in a deep voice as she stepped over a log. She groaned in frustration, her hands gesturing with insanity. “Just shut the fuck up!”

Justin laughed at her, “Diego’s fucking annoying,” he agreed. “But when you complain you let him win.”

Jessica slowly rolled her eyes, still angry. “He makes me wanna punch him in his stupid face.” She clenched her fist. “I’m still pissed that he called me lady. Still fucking pissed.”

Justin looked alarmed. “Wait, he didn’t apologise?”

She shook her head. “No,” she said. “And he won’t fucking leave me alone. He follows me around like a bad smell. Like a rabid, lost, stinky dog.” As soon as she said it, Justin started to laugh and then Jessica did too. “What?” She asked through laughter. “He does.”

“Oh my God,” he said with a sigh, his laughter subsiding. “I hope you don’t complain about me like that.”

Jessica smirked, “sometimes. I’m always like,” she threw her head back, pretending to moan and trying not laugh as she did, “he’s so hot I wanna punch him.” He smiled widely, stopping her as they walked the pathway with his hand on her arm. Giggling she twisted around to face him, her smile so wide that her face hurt. Reaching up on her toes, Jessica snaked her arms around his neck until their faces were inches apart.

He scrunched up his face at her, and she thought he was so cute she wanted nothing more than to kiss him. “You love me,” he teased with a smile, and she nodded, biting her bottom lip.

“I do,” she whispered back. Reaching up on her toes, their lips were touching but it wasn’t a kiss. She was hesitating. Should she kiss him? Should she seriously keep distracting him from his recovery? They were supposed to be broken up, and she felt like every time she teased him and kissed him, she was just setting him back. But it was all on his terms, what he wanted and what he didn’t. So if he gave in, was that on him, or her? So she pulled away from him, and shoved the map into his chest with a flat palm. “You’re on clues again,” she decided. “I’ll be on GPS.” As Justin took the sheet from her, his eyes rolled casually and he gave up on whatever had just been about to happen.

Jessica walked off down the pathway and he followed her a few steps behind. “Do you wish you were with Diego now?” He asked, and when she looked over her shoulder at him he was smirking.

She glared, about to scoff a laugh at him, “what does that mean?”

He shrugged, his eyes mockingly wide. “Just that there seems to be a lot of sexual tension between you two… That I’m not providing, obviously.”

Jessica rolled her eyes until they almost went into the back of her head. “Are you seriously mad that I didn’t kiss you just now?”

He shrugged again, playing it off casually. “You just talk about him like…” He pressed his lips together, letting her fill in the blanks.

She raised an eyebrow at him, glaring. “What? Like I wanna hate fuck him?”

Justin put his hands in the air as if to surrender. “You said it, not me.” Then he smirked. “Sounds like something you’d be into anyway.”

Jessica sighed in frustration. “Are you serious?” She asked him tiredly. “Are you actually jealous right now?” When he didn’t respond she scowled. “Oh my god,” she whined. “This is exactly what you need to fix,” she said. “The reason I didn’t fucking kiss you is because we’re supposed to be broken up, and I don’t want to endanger your fucking recovery by… By… Whatever the fuck is going on between us.”

Justin scowled at her, “you don’t think I know what I’m doing?” He accused.

Jessica raised an eyebrow, “right now I don’t, no.” She pressed her lips together, still frustrated by him. “And I think I’m the problem.”

His glare settled on her from two feet away, “I’m fine,” he insisted loudly. But he wasn’t shouting. He never shouted, at least not at Jessica.

Jessica’s heart hurt to be having this argument. “Yeah,” she said sarcastically. “You seem totally fine.” She pressed her lips together until they made a deep scowl, then she dropped the GPS on the forest floor. “Do it yourself then. If you think you’re so good.”

The look on his face was nonchalant as he shrugged. “Whatever,” he said harshly. “I don’t need you anyway.” She smirked mockingly, because they both knew it was true. He didn’t _need_ her, no. He wanted her. He loved her. He couldn’t resist her, and it was the same for Jessica.

“Funny,” she said with a seductive smirk still plastered on her face, “I had the idea of taking you into the woods tonight while everybody was asleep and making you very fucking glad you’re out of rehab.” She was watching his eyes from the two foot distance between them, watching the way his nonchalant demeanour faltered the moment he realised what she was talking about. Then she clicked her tongue. “But I guess… Since you don’t need me… I can take someone else.”

Justin scoffed, smirking back. “I’m sure Diego would love to go along.”

Jessica huffed, rolling her eyes at him. “Fuck you,” she snapped, then she turned her back on him and started to walk off. “You’ve been shitty with me this whole fucking trip and I don’t know what is up your ass but I’m trying to be nice.” She flicked her hair back over her shoulder and sighed again, frustrated with him for the first time in weeks. Something had happened between last week and today that had ruined his positive mood. She guessed it was the email. He was stressed out despite how obviously he wanted her to think he was fine. Her mind spun as she tried to understand what she had done to upset him. She said she loved him and then he lost it at her. What the fuck?

He was worried about Clay. That was obvious. He was worried about her, since she freaked out in the cave like a crazy person. He was trying to keep clean, and he had been successful so far. He was supposed to be broken up with her, and still they couldn’t stay away from each other. Wait… Jessica felt like she had caught on to something. Was he mad that she accused him of not being in a good place? Because, if he was in a good place, he could be with her, and he could love her. He trusted Jessica’s opinion of him more than he trusted most others. So, if she didn’t think he was okay when he did think so… Maybe he was having doubts. Okay, Jessica thought. That makes sense. But why the Diego thing? Was he jealous? Or was he scared?

Jessica shut her eyes, scrunching up her face as she turned back to him on the path. “Justin,” she said, “I’m fucking sorry.” But when she turned around he wasn’t there. He was gone. The sheet and the GPS were just lying on the forest floor. It’s not like he would run off, he wouldn’t leave her like that. She glanced around the forest, walking back to where he had been standing during their argument. “Justin?” She started calling out to him, her eyes darting around the opening in the woods. Was he gonna jump out and scare her? Unlikely. “Justin, what the fuck!” Where could he have gone? It wasn’t like he was gonna run off in the middle of their argument, was he? “Fuck,” Jessica muttered to herself. She really had trusted him and now he had left her alone in the fucking woods to get mauled by a bear. She scoffed at the thought. No way. He would never do that. She could scream at him and he wouldn’t abandon her. Something was very wrong. She stared around, everywhere looked the same. Jessica would never admit it, but she was kind of scared. Not herself, for him. What the hell was going on? “Babe?” She called out, maybe that would get his attention and he’d hear her apology out. “I’m sorry for what I said.” She tucked her hair behind her ears and kneeled down to pick up the clues and the GPS. The sheet he had been holding, it was now lying in the dirt of the forest floor. She squinted, focusing her attention on the way it lay there. He hadn’t placed it down. He had dropped it. Thrown it even.

“Jessica Davis?” She stood up abruptly and spun around on her heels to find the source of the voice. Diego was behind her, staring in confusion. “What are you doing?” He asked her.

She glanced down at the clues and GPS then back up at her company. “Justin’s gone,” she said. “He left me.”

Diego’s expression hardened. “What an asshole,” he said. “My partner abandoned me too.” Then he smirked at her. “But it’s different because it’s not like I was screwing him.”

Jessica’s glare darkened. “Justin and I aren’t together. He’s my friend.”

Diego scoffed, “yeah,” he said, “a really good friend by the looks of it. The kind of that abandons you for the crazy Jensen kid, right?”

Jessica rolled her eyes, on edge, “he’s not crazy.” Then she cocked her head. “And even if he was, it was just because you were fucking with him at the dance.” She raised an eyebrow. “Are you still?”

Diego shook his head. “I’m leaving that freak alone for good.” A lie, for sure. If Justin were here he wouldn’t have believed it, so Jessica took it upon herself not to believe it either.

She rolled her eyes again, like she always did when Diego was around. “What do you want?” She asked him.

A corner of his smirk turned up and he shrugged. “Look, you don’t like me, that’s fine. But at least let me take you to the cabin where some of the guys are meeting. You’ll be safer in a group than all alone in this forest.”

Her eyes went wide in annoyance, “that doesn’t sound as safe as you think it does. I’m a girl. You’re a guy, with more guys… Do you get what I’m saying?”

He chuckled, “I do,” he said. “Nobody would do anything to you, Jessica. You’re more intimidating than you are sexy, and that’s a lot.”

She clicked her tongue, “not as much of a compliment as you think it is.” She took some steps forward until she was standing close to him, staring him up and down, trying to work out his intentions.

Diego smirked at her, staring right back at her. “If Justin had said it, I’m sure you would have liked it. You just don’t like _me_.”

Jessica squinted at him, smiling sarcastically. “One part of that sentence was true, I’ll let you work out which part while we walk together. In silence.” And with that she passed him and began to walk along the path. She heard his footsteps as he followed in tow.

He rolled his eyes at her. “I don’t what I did–“

She glared back at him over her shoulder. “I said fucking silence.”

* * *

“Truth or dare, Davis?”

Jessica rolled her eyes at Luke Holliday sitting across from her. “We’re in a tiny cabin, what dare could you even come up with? Truth.” Sitting on the other side of the room, on the bed, Jessica crossed her arms and waited for the question. Anyone else and she would be suspicious of such a question, but Luke was up there as one of the dumbest boys in their year. She was pretty sure he could barely string together a sentence, let alone hack an email account.

“Would you rather have sex once with some super hot guy then swear off it forever, or be able to have it whenever, but only with the ugliest guy you’ve ever seen?”

Diego chuckled, “so you, Holliday?” He asked, and the chorus of footballers laughed. Jessica only sighed, sick of them already. They were waiting for Beecher to show up, wherever he had gone, to continue on back to camp. So that meant she had to stay, even though she had protested a number of times about just going back alone, or with one of them. But they hated splitting up the group, or whatever their bullshit excuse was just to play truth or dare with Jessica.

“I’d obviously do the hot guy,” she said with an eye roll. “Because masturbation exists you dumb fucks–“ they all laughed like children at hearing her say such a word and that only made her more annoyed. “You’re all so fucking immature. Oh my God.”

“You guys,” Diego complained, “treat Jessica with some respect, would you?” Jessica ran her tongue over her teeth, glaring at him for standing up for her. She didn’t need anyone to stand up for her. Then he smirked. “She’s used to the company of sophisticated people like heroin addicts and psychos.”

Jessica glared at him. “Go suck your own dick, Diego.” They all just laughed at her with him. He was a leader. They listened to him. Much more so than they listened to Justin or Charlie for that matter. Jessica was scowling, leaning back on the bed with her arms crossed in discomfort. She hated this. Why the fuck did Justin abandon her? They tried to continue the game but as someone went to speak, the cabin door swung open with force and a startled Jessica looked up, her eyes wide. Standing in the doorway was Justin. He looked messed up, and fairly pissed off as he glared at the people inside.

“Dude!” Diego shouted, and all the footballers stood up in shock. “What the fuck are you doing here?”

Justin only glared at Diego. “What the fuck did you do?” He shouted, stepping inside. Jessica’s eyes darted from one to the other, confused but also scared.

She came to her feet from the bed and stared in terror, “Justin? What’s going on?” He hadn’t even noticed her until she spoke, his eyes scanning the room until he found her.

He looked incredibly confused, his face screwing up. “Jess? What are you doing here with them?” She made her way over to him at the doorway and reached out to him.

“You abandoned me,” she said as if it were obvious. “And I ran into Diego. That’s all that happened.”

“I didn’t fucking abandon you,” he said bitterly, his glare turning back to Diego. “Someone shoved me off the fucking pathway, and then they attacked me and dragged me through the woods and I–“ He shoved Diego back. “And it was you and your fucking team, wasn’t it?”

Diego brushed it off with a snarky look. “Bro, I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.”

That only made Justin angrier. “Don’t play fucking dumb with me,” he snapped, shoving Diego back again, only for him to play it off cool. “Why the fuck? And who else are you fucking with?”

Jessica turned her glare to Diego as well, staring. “You told me you weren’t fucking with Clay anymore. Did you fuck with him too?”

Diego screwed his face up and waved away the whole notion. “We fucked with the clues,” he said, “that’s it.”

Justin rolled his eyes, “fuck that. Charlie told me everything.” And upon hearing his name Charlie appeared in the doorway too. He stuck his head out from where he was hiding behind Justin, and frowned, well, as much as Charlie could frown.

“I did tell him everything,” Charlie said. “He knows what you guys are doing. It’s screwed up.” There were quiet complaints from all the footballers in the cabin calling Charlie a narc but he didn’t care.

“It’s _super_ fucked up,” Justin insisted loudly, glaring around at them. “Leave Clay the fuck alone. Leave me the fuck alone. And Jessica. And just everybody. You’re not fucking funny, Diego”

Jessica put her hand on his arm to get his attention, “what are you talking about?” She asked. “What is going on?”

Justin glared at Diego, looking like he was almost ready to start a fight. “Do you wanna tell her?” Diego’s eyes shamefully found the ground and he took a step back in surrender. It was a small victory for Justin, and he didn’t seem to care as he turned back to Jessica. “Diego and his boys thought it would be fun to prank Clay by scaring him in the woods and throwing him down a cave. Then to top it the fuck off, they thought it would be funny to throw me down a hill so Diego could come to your rescue, Jess.”

She made a face, “my rescue?” She looked between the three of them, Justin, Charlie and Diego. “That’s idiotic,” she rolled her eyes, “I don’t know how the hell you thought that would work.” The cabin went silent, save for Charlie who pulled out a container.

“I made cookies,” he announced to them all, and Justin turned back to him with a glare, running his hands over his face.

“Charlie! No one wants your fucking cookies right now,” he snapped. Then he regretted it, leaning in closer. “You should offer one to Jessica first.” With a nod, he held out the container to her and she casually took one. She was starving. Then Jessica looked around the empty cabin, taking a bite before her eyes settled on Justin in concern.

“You’re bleeding,” she said. He screwed up his face and touched the cut above his eye, looking at the blood on his fingers.

“Shit,” he whispered, wiping the blood off on his shirt. Jessica grabbed his wrist, letting the others go back to what they were doing and pulled him back into the cabin with her.

“I’m cleaning your face and then we’re getting the fuck back to base camp. Okay?”

He nodded, “okay.” She made him sit down on the bed and then pulled a tissue out of her back jean pocket to wipe up the blood. The others started up a conversation, ignoring Jessica and Justin’s company in the cabin and Charlie offered out his cookies to everybody. She wiped the blood off and he grimaced, screwing his face up.

“Don’t be a pussy,” Jessica whispered to him, dabbing at the cut on his eyebrow with a tissue.

“Actually,” Justin whispered back, “the female reproductive system is a very powerful muscle.”

Jessica rolled her eyes, grinning, “shut the fuck up.” He laughed quietly, letting her get rid of all his blood. Jessica looked over him. There was dirt all through his hair and on the side of his face. He had a scratch on his cheek from debris on the forest floor, that he had apparently been dragged through. His clothes were dirty too. Jessica pouted at him, bringing the tissue away. “You look very messed up,” she whispered. “It’s kind of hot.”

He looked at her from under his brow, unimpressed, “well it wasn’t hot when it happened.”

She leaned in and put her forehead against his. “I’m sorry they were fucking with you. But I’m also not completely sorry because everything about this is turning me on right now.” He rolled his eyes at her and she just laughed. But as they were off in their own world, the door was thrown open again and everybody stopped what they were doing. Finally Beecher fell into the middle of the floor, his mouth gagged and his clothes dirtied. His pants… missing. As the footballers all shouted out in horror, Justin reached out to cover Jessica’s eyes from having to see the kid with no pants. From the darkness she almost laughed, even though this was no situation deserving of such a thing. In return she reached out blindly to cover his eyes too, and he laughed along.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another abrupt ending. but they left the cabin, went back to camp and not much happened after that. except that they totally snuck out in the middle of the night to hook up and got caught by a dissociating clay who didn't even remember.  
> y'all are so lovely for all your feedback!! i love knowing that people are pissed about the ending too!!! it was incredibly frustrating and it really hurt to see that video of brandon on the verge of tears (6 months after he filmed it???) talking about justin. anyway. thank u, jess and justin deserved better. i wish they canonically HAD better but alas....... i simply must make do with this fic.


	5. The Party

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm still angry. no one asked but it's been two weeks and im still angry. justin foley got done DIRTY and he didn't deserve a second of it. also jess got done dirty...... why did they gotta turn her from a badass sexually empowered activist to a fucking cheating, lying bitch? that's not MY jessica davis 🙄 anyways.... this chapter.......... i RUINED the show. ruined it completely. see below for discussions of HIV testing, parenting, relapses, alcohol, strong relationships, sex, and mothers with drug addiction......

Jessica was brushing her hair in the bathroom, combing her fingers through the waves then following with the comb in her hand. Once they were equally neat on both sides, as she adjusted them over her shoulders, she stared at herself in the mirror. She neatened the parting in her hair, and wondered why she cared so much about the way it looked when it was only gonna get messed up tonight. She picked up the lip gloss from her make up bag and let it pop open in her hands. There were footsteps in the hallway, but she didn’t care to look, too focused on gathering enough gloss on the stick.

“Where are you heading out to tonight?” Her dad asked from the doorway.

Jessica glanced over, shrugging a shoulder. “Ani and I are going out to dinner at Monet’s. A celebration for how stressed we’ve been recently… With school, and stuff.”

Her dad nodded, his expression critical. “Well, you won’t stay out too late I hope. You know the dangers.”

Jessica tilted her head, looking over at the doorway and giving him a small smile. “We won’t, Dad. Ani is more responsible than I am. And you know how much she likes her sleep.” Greg smiled then, giving in and crediting his daughter to the truth of her claims. Ani was an easy scapegoat these days for when Jessica snuck out. Much more reliable, an easy liar, and she was a good friend. Jessica watched as her dad left the subject alone, he was taking two steps, about to disappear from the door frame when he turned back.

“How’s Justin?” He asked, and Jessica’s hand hovered in the air, holding her lip gloss inches from her lips.

“Who?” She asked, feigning innocence. As far as her Dad knew, Jessica and Justin were over a long time ago. She never even told him about it when Justin went off to rehab. They made a deal to wait until he was a good few months clean, then tell her parents… As far as her dad knew, Jessica had been single for a long time. Boys held no interest to her.

“Jessica,” he warned, “you know who I’m talking about.” He took a few steps into the bathroom, and Jessica avoided his eyes, instead applying the gloss to her lips casually.

Jessica shrugged. “He’s good, I guess. Three months clean,” she smiled, “that’s really good for him.”

Her dad looked suspicious. “You two and have been… talking?” He asked. Jessica sucked her lips together and moved to cover them in gloss.

“Yup,” she popped her lips as she said it, emphasis on the normalcy of the conversation. Then she shoved the gloss stick back into the tube. “We are friends. We do talk sometimes.”

“You’re friends?” Greg repeated, not believing a word of it. “You know how I feel about that boy, Jessica. I don’t think he’s a good influence on you.”

She scoffed, looking at him through the reflection of the mirror. “Dad, he’s just a friend. Always has been. Long before I ever dated him.” She shrugged her shoulders. “We have things in common. And I care about his sobriety.”

Her dad was near to glaring at her reflection. “You shouldn’t waste your potential on someone like that. Don’t let his problems stir you from your goals–“

Jessica made a face, “college,” she imitated his voice. “Yeah, I know, Dad. He’s not distracting me from anything.” She shrugged. “We barely talk outside of school. You’re just blowing the whole thing out of proportion.” He didn’t look impressed with her shut down of their conversation but he gave up, and wandered out of the bathroom with no further comment. His exit left Jessica feeling guilty. She hadn’t meant to be so snappy, nor so suspicious… But why had he asked?

* * *

“Shit,” Jessica whispered in the car. “My Dad is on to us.”

Justin glanced over at her, his brow furrowing. “How?” He asked before looking back out the windscreen as she drove. “I haven’t talked to him. I haven’t even seen him.”

Jessica shrugged, her hands on the steering wheel as she manoeuvred the dark streets. “He just asked how you were, which is weird. He’s never asked me that before. It’s like he knows we’re together. He’s suspicious.”

Justin scoffed, “I’m sure it’s fine. He probably spoke to Matt and Laine. That’s all.”

She glanced at him from the side of her eyes, “do you really believe that, or are you just pretending?”

He sighed, “I see no reason why not.” Then his voice took on a sarcastic edge, “can _you_ give me one?”

Jessica scoffed in offence, “what’s that supposed to mean?” She asked him bitterly, glancing over at his scowling expression beside her.

“It’s nothing,” he said casually, avoiding her, again. “Just some shit that’s going on. It doesn’t matter.”

Jessica rolled her eyes until they met the road again. “What is up your ass tonight? Because at this rate it sure as fuck isn’t gonna be me.”

He screwed up his face from beside her, wanting to laugh but also wanting to roll his eyes. “You’re fucking classy tonight, Jess. Where did you think up that one?”

She scowled, turning a corner, “oh, shut the fuck up,” she snapped. They sat in silence as she drove the rest of the way, he really did just stop talking which only pissed her off more. When she pulled up to the look out over Evergreen, the place they always came to talk, and do more than talking, she shut off the car in frustration. She pulled the key out with force, throwing it in the console between them. Then she looked over at him, watching and waiting for him to do something.

“I’m sorry,” was all he said, not even looking over at her. In the darkness, Jessica tried to understand what he meant. She studied his expression, the way he sat there in silence. She thought about their conversation, about what he was sorry for. She had no answer.

“What are you apologising for?” She asked him.

Justin shrugged. “Everything,” he answered.

Jessica’s anger depleted and she just stared at him sitting across from her. “What’s everything?” She asked softly.

He clicked his tongue gently, finally looking over at her with a tiny smile. “I’m sorry for not telling you that you look pretty tonight.” Staring at him, Jessica rolled her eyes. It was obvious that he was just making shit up. He shrugged his shoulders as if nothing was wrong. “It’s date night,” he said, smiling at her.

Jessica’s face screwed up. “It is _not_ date night. Don’t call it that. We’re not a middle aged married couple.” She leaned back in her seat, huffing a sigh. “It’s my dad is home but I wanna see you night, that’s all.” That made him laugh gently, watching her. He reached out and grabbed her arm, tugging on it.

“Come on, sit.” Giving in with a smile, Jessica kicked her shoes off in the drivers seat and then crawled over the console to sit in his lap. She straddled him between her legs, holding his face in her hands as he slipped his arms around her waist.

She pressed her lips together, staring at him in the darkness. “You sure you’re okay?” She asked him. “Totally sure?” She leaned in and nearly pressed her forehead to his, but he held her back an inch.

“Some stuff happened today,” he said.

Her brow went up. “What stuff?” She asked.

Justin hesitated. “Bad stuff…” Jessica’s forehead wrinkled in concern and she ran her thumbs along his cheeks, holding his face so he looked right at her.

“Tell me,” she whispered. His arms around her tightened, and she was pressed against him in the small space of the car.

“Clay’s parents drug tested us today,” he told her gently, she could hear that something was wrong. “And my test came up clean, but Clay’s didn’t. Then he said it was me.” Jessica’s head shook in partial anger at Clay but also in confusion about the whole story. Justin sighed. “He said that I switched the tests. And then Matt and Laine believed him.”

Jessica pouted, her brow furrowing deeply as she ran her fingers along the side of his face. “Babe,” she said breathlessly, “that’s so fucked up.” Her lips turned down as she shrugged. “What if you offered to do another test,” she said. “Maybe then they’d believe you.”

Justin shook his head. “It wouldn’t make a difference. They’ve grounded us both until someone admits. But I’m fucking clean.”

One corner of Jessica’s lips turned up, “you’re grounded?” She asked. “And you still snuck out to see me. That’s so hot.” He had called her two hours ago asking to hang out, and she had promised to pick him up because her Dad was home all night and he never gave her any privacy.

Justin huffed a laugh, brushing it off. “Jess,” he said gently, “that’s not the point.”

She sucked her bottom lip between her teeth and smiled. “I know, I know,” she said. “But I’m serious, if you wanna prove you’re not using. Take another test.”

He stared at her in the darkness, his eyes watching hers through only the lights of the town below. “You don’t believe in me,” he said in a whisper. “You don’t trust that I’m telling the truth.”

Her face scrunched up. “Justin, I _do_ believe you,” she insisted. “It’s just that sometimes you need evidence to back up a claim, and this can be proof. It’s a pretty easy fix.”

He shut his eyes and looked down, avoiding her stare. “Whatever,” he said quietly. “You don’t get it.” Jessica closed her eyes too, feeling the weight of having to deal with his issues on top of her own. She wanted to help. She wanted to understand, but it was difficult. She leaned into him and pressed her lips to his cheek, then tilted her head so that her nose grazed against his skin.

“Maybe,” she whispered to him gently, “you could talk to someone who would get it. Someone at the support group.”

He gently smiled in the darkness, “look who’s talking,” he whispered back.

Biting her lip, she rubbed her cheek against his, secretly just wanting the conversation to end so she could kiss him. “My group did help me,” she said. “And the people I met through it. It’s nice having someone who knows what you’ve been through.”

He shrugged, “maybe,” he said. “I mean… Maybe Coach Kerba will get it.”

Jessica nodded, smiling. “Yeah,” she said. “He’s nice.” Finally thinking that the conversation had ended, Jessica moved in and kissed him. Sex was off the table still, for now, but they could still sneak out where no one could find them. She made sure he was pressed against the back of the seat underneath her. Because she was always in control. Then she kissed him, and kissed him. Again and again. Ideally until he forgot about the drug test, until all he could think about was her. The next step would be for him to disregard all their promises and just take her clothes off. He had always been good at that. But instead, as his fingers ran down her back, he moved away from her lips and she had to pause. Jessica’s brow furrowed in confusion, and when she tried to kiss him again, he leaned away.

“Jess,” he whispered. “I have to be home by 10. Clay’s parents are out until then.”

Jessica’s lips spread into a smile. “That really just kills the whole mood.” He laughed, and Jessica ran her thumb along the lines of his smile. “Do you think you’ll be at that party tomorrow night?” She asked him hopefully.

Justin shrugged. “Probably not. I… I’ll still be grounded, and besides… Alcohol.” He clicked his tongue, and Jessica realised he probably didn’t care too much. He didn’t feel like he was missing out. “Are you gonna go?” He asked, and Jessica panicked.

“Um,” she glanced around the dark car, thinking of what to say. “I don’t know. I have a lot of homework to do. And I mean, if you’re not going… I don’t want you to miss out alone.”

He laughed gently. “That’s stupid, you should go. You should have fun without me.”

Jessica smirked, “I always have fun without you. I mean, I have to.” In the shadows she saw the corner of his smile turn up into a smirk, she half expected him to lose it over that comment. He knew exactly what she was implying. He leaned in to kiss her, only catching her bottom lip as she arched her back.

He smiled against her lips, “I can’t believe you’ve survived this long. I’m impressed.” Her lips grazed his, but it was specifically not a kiss, at least not the ordinary kind.

“What?” She mumbled back. “You don’t think I can go a few months without sex? You don’t think I can handle it?” She kissed him one last time, drawing it out as long as she could before pulling away. She smirked at him, and then tapped the screen of her phone from beside her in the console. 8:09pm. “It’s almost 10,” she said jokingly. “Looks like it’s time for you to get home.”

He tilted his head, realising what she was doing, “Jess,” he protested, still smiling at her.

She raised her eyebrows. “What?” She smirked. “Can _you_ survive this long without sex?”

* * *

The party was loud. It was also stressful. Jessica hated it. Why the fuck did she agree to come? And why the fuck did she lie about it to Justin? Of course, when Winston had creepily insinuated that Jessica should come along with Estella, she’d had to agree. Estella couldn’t go on her own, and Jessica desperately wanted to see what she was up against. Winston was getting closer to her secrets. Closer and closer while Jessica was getting more and more reckless with how secret she was keeping it. She was terrified of course but she wanted to get control of the situation. It was the only way she could put it all behind her and focus on the important things. Maybe not just focus on them, but enjoy them. It was difficult to enjoy things when she felt like it was only a matter of time before everybody around her found out what she had done. Or hadn’t done. What she had let happen.

Jessica turned the corner, away from Clay and Zach loudly singing and playing piano. She saw Diego down the hallway, staring right at her, and decided instead to take a left to avoid him. He had been on her all night. There was no Justin around so he took that to mean she was available. Since Winston had challenged her to a drinking game as she watched out for Estella and the other girls at the party, Diego had taken that as a chance to get close to her. But she just wasn’t… in a party mood. She felt bored. She felt hunted. Nothing was fun.

And maybe she had spent half the night playing into Diego’s crush on her after a comment he made about Clay. Which was awful of her when she was realistically in a relationship. In a relationship she had no intention of ending, or of ruining in any way. But he was getting closer. Much, much closer. He said that perhaps Clay was the one who framed Monty because of the way he was acting, which was an easy to guess to make. Then Diego decided that he would try and get some information out of Clay tonight. Or get close to his friends. To Justin. And that set off sirens for Jessica because they were getting close. Too close. And if she could throw them off, if she could get close to them… Maybe she could get back to normal life. But as she turned the corner into the kitchen, Jessica realised that her life was never going to get back to normal.

She stopped in the doorway staring in shock. “What are you doing here?” She asked into the empty kitchen. Empty save for one person who should not have been in the proximity of alcohol at all.

Caught by surprise, Justin looked up at her, and his expression completely changed. “What are _you_ doing here?”

She hung back, staring at him still. “I asked you first,” she said, and he lifted the red cup to his lips once more in annoyance.

“I came to find Clay,” Justin told her, his voice barely able to be heard over the music. “He was gone when I went into the main house and I thought he might be here.” His speech was slurred, his expressions were delayed. His responses were slow and untimed. Jessica’s brow furrowed as she looked at him from head to toe.

“Are you drunk?” She asked him carefully. His reaction was slow but surely a nod. And Jessica felt her heart come up to her throat, a pang of anxiousness swelling in the pit of her stomach. “Justin,” she sighed, “why?” She took a step into the kitchen and he stumbled back, trying to avoid her. Jessica reached out to grab his arm before he tripped and she pulled him back onto his feet. Her brow furrowed in seriousness, and she focused her eyes on his so he couldn’t look away. He leaned against the bench as she took the cup from his hand and put it behind her on the table, far away from his reach like he was some kind of child. She hated being like this. “Talk to me,” Jessica whispered to him, loud enough that he could hear her over the music, but soft enough that he knew she cared.

He looked down at the tiny space between them and she saw his casual expression falter and weaken. He looked like he wanted to cry. “I just…” He trailed off in a small sob and Jessica reached up to touch his shoulder, pulling him closer to her.

“It’s okay,” she assured him. “It’s okay.” Her hands ran comfortingly over his shoulders, her thumbs stroking his cheeks as she held his face in her hands so he looked at her. She hated this. She hated seeing him like this, and not knowing what caused it. Or if _she_ had caused it. Being at this party when she said she wasn’t. Stupidly flirting with someone else when he could have seen. But somehow she felt like this wasn’t her fault.

He had said it so many times, that alcohol was just a legalised fill for drugs, and he didn’t wanna be someone who drank to deal with his problems. The only differences between alcohol and heroin was that one was legal and it killed you slower. That was what they told him in rehab apparently. He was 18 and he didn’t need something toxic to numb his pain. That was usually when Jessica would tell him that her love could numb the pain and he would tell her that dumb and cheesy. But it always made him laugh, and that was the point.

“It was Clay,” Justin admitted sadly, his eyes teary. “He was… High.” Jessica’s brow furrowed in concern. No, not for Clay. She didn’t give a shit about Clay right now. Not when he had made Justin cry. She had one focus right now.

“What do you mean?” She asked him, her voice barely a shocked whisper.

“The tests,” he said hoarsely. “He lied. He blamed me for it and it was _him_.” He pressed his lips together, trying not to cry in the middle of this stupid party. “And his parents don’t believe me. And you didn’t believe me.”

Jessica shook her head. “I believe you,” she insisted. “All I said was if you wanted physical proof you should have done a second test.”

He screwed up his face and looked away, “I shouldn’t fucking have to. Why can’t people believe me?” Jessica’s expression fell and she reached up to hold his face again, running her thumbs over his cheeks.

“I know,” she assured him. “What Clay did was fucked up.”

That was when Justin shook his head, adamantly. There was something more. “I saw him. I talked to him… And he just wasn’t himself…”

“How?” She asked.

“I mean, he hates me. He really fucking _hates_ me.”

Jessica shook her head, holding onto him. “I don’t believe that,” she said. “I think you’re just spiralling. No way does he _hate_ you.”

Justin nodded, like he was ignoring everything she said. “He does. He hates me. I don’t know what I did… I have no fucking idea.” He was about to start crying again, like he always did when he was drunk and sad. Something Jessica had seen a few too many times, something she had experience with. She knew how to deal with him, and usually, on top of drunk he was high. At least she didn’t have to deal with that aspect anymore… If they could handle this near relapse.

She leaned in close to him and made sure he was listening to her this time. “I think you should sober up. I think we should get the hell out of here, and then we can talk. Okay?”

His expression screwed up as he glanced around the empty kitchen. “Fuck,” he whispered. “I can’t go home like this. I can’t be seen like this… I’m supposed to be grounded–“

“And sober,” Jessica finished for him.

“Clay’s parents will never believe I’m clean if I go home like this,” he said, his voice weakly on the verge of tears.

Jessica sucked in her bottom lip and stared at him, she debated inwardly if she should be doing this right now. “I don’t think you should be at home tonight,” she said. “You can stay at mine.” His expression changed in confusion. “But,” she insisted, “my Dad is gonna be home tomorrow morning, so you have to be super fucking quiet.”

He nodded, insistent on it. “I will,” he promised. “I can be quiet.” Jessica nodded, making it an agreement between them both. Then she reached over for the red cup he had of what she could only guess was tequila, and poured it down the sink. He watched, silently, as she filled it with water from the faucet instead.

“Here,” she shoved it into his hands. “I said sober up.” Without argument, he drank from the red cup, watching her as she watched him. It was awkward. Something was wrong. When the cup came away from his lips, he looked like he might laugh. Instead he glanced down at his feet and the floor space between them.

“Are you disappointed in me?” He asked, practically slurring his words.

Jessica shrugged. “I don’t know why you did it, so… I can’t judge yet.”

She saw him smile slightly, happy to hear her response. “There’s something I didn’t tell you,” he said ashamedly, staring at his feet. “Clay’s parents don’t believe I’m clean because they know I’ve been in my old neighbourhood.” Then he looked up at her, to see her reaction.

“Why were you in your old neighbourhood?” She asked, hesitant to hear the answer. Yes, she believed he was clean. Of course she did. But, God, if there was one place above all he didn’t need to go it was there.

“My mom is back,” he said. “She’s been back a week… She keeps calling.”

Jessica’s brow furrowed. “Shit,” she said in a breath, “what the fuck?”

He shrugged, his shoulders barely moving because he didn’t have the energy. “She’s pretty bad. Like… really bad, actually.” Jessica reached out to touch his hand holding the red cup, she stared at him, her lips curving down.

“What does she want?”

He made a face, as though the whole thing was funny. “Money,” he said, slurring his speech again. “Money for drugs, I’d say. You know how it is with her.” He shook his head, staring into the cup. “I don’t think she even knows where I’m living.”

Jessica sighed, “Justin,” she whispered, “why didn’t you tell me?”

He shook his head, as if to wave away the whole conversation from thin air. “It wasn’t important. You’d only freak out for me, and I didn’t need that.” She pressed her lips together. He was right, she would have freaked out.

“Sorry,” she said belligerently, “I’m sorry that I care… But you shouldn’t keep stuff like that to yourself. Not with her being back. You know how dangerous she is.”

He rolled his eyes. “She’s my mom. And she’s sick… I missed her.”

Jessica frowned, “did you really?”

She saw his eyes begin to tear up. “I miss…” he spoke through the lump in his throat, about to start crying, “I missed having a mom.” Jessica avoided his eyes, too sad to look into them. She couldn’t understand exactly what he was going through, but she loved him enough to try.

“So, you’ve seen her?” She asked.

“For money,” he said. “I try to talk but she sends me away… There are usually some men with her…” He huffed a sigh. “I’m supposed to meet her tonight. At our old house. She said no one would be there. But I’m not really–“

“We can go,” Jessica offered, boldly. God, she’d regret it but she’d rather be there after he sobers up a bit, then let him go alone and risk relapsing. Also, she kind of wanted to see how bad Amber was. For as long as Jessica had known her she’d always looked bad, but back then Justin insisted that was a good time for her. Strange.

He stared at her, concerned. “You really don’t like this party, do you?”

Jessica shook her head. “I feel like I can’t breathe,” she said. “I feel like… I feel like it’s only a matter of time before they find me out.”

His expression was blank. “Who is ‘they’?”

She blinked, looking down at her hands. “Everybody.”

* * *

“Mom,” He was staring at Amber in the doorway. Jessica was right beside him, watching in high alert. She had made him drink three full plastic cups of water on the walk to his old apartment. He made way too many jokes about needing to pee later, which drove her insane by the time they reached the building. He still thought it was funny.

“You brought someone,” was all his mom said in response. Her eyes were heavy with bags, she looked tired and red eyed, like she had been crying. Jessica then realised she was high.

“Yeah,” Justin said, his voice was fairly timid. It was like he was afraid. “It’s Jessica, you remember Jess.” His mom stared at her, eyes beady as she tried to recognise her with her hair longer and different.

“You’re the girlfriend,” Amber finally realised. “She’s your girlfriend from… From before.” They both nodded their heads.

“Can we come inside?” Justin asked, and as he took a step through the doorway, Amber blocked him.

“No,” she said. “I’m doing things. You can’t come in.” Jessica looked over at Justin for his reaction, there was none. But she knew he was thinking exactly what she was. Drugs. Dealers. Men. He wasn’t about to push the boundaries and endanger Jessica’s safety.

“Fine,” he said bitterly. “What are you doing?”

Amber’s face looked hesitant. “Watching TV…”

“I mean what drugs,” he said harshly. “What the fuck are you doing now?” Jessica looked at Amber’s arms, at the sores and the scars and realised the answer to that question.

“None of your business,” Amber said. “You said you had money… I could really do with some.”

He scowled, scrunching up the notes of money in his fist. “Why should I give it to you? You abandoned me.”

Amber’s face screwed up in offence. “Abandoned you? I fucking raised you. I paid for you whenever I could. Whenever we had even the smallest fucking cent, it went to whatever you wanted. Never me.”

Justin scoffed, “unless it was, what? Meth? Beer? Coke? Whatever the fuck you wanted.”

Amber’s face nearly went red. “Well, maybe that was what I needed to deal with your fucking bullshit. You made me into what I am. You think I was a shitty mother?” She scoffed a laugh. “Yeah, well it was only because you were a shitty fucking kid.”

“Hey!” Jessica stepped in between them both. “Leave him alone,” she said, glaring. “He came here, in the middle of the night, while he’s supposed to be grounded to give you some fucking money, risking his life _and_ his recovery… You know fucking why? Because he wanted to see you.”

Amber’s face screwed up, she made a strange expression that only confirmed she was high. “He never wants to see me. He always wants something from me. So what is it this time? Weed? Food? A bed? Shoes?” Basic fucking necessities for a child, Jessica thought in anger.

“I don’t need anything from you,” Justin said. “I don’t need you at all. I never have.” Jessica watched him as his love for his mother slowly turned into annoyance. “I have a family now. I have good fucking friends. People who want me to get better. Who help me. I have… Jessica. Who loves me, just because she does. Not for anything, or because she has to… You know, I’m going to college? I can afford it now. I can… I can get away from here, and I can put everything behind me. I can be happy. I can have a future.” Jessica stared up at him, watching him as he spoke. She smiled slightly, hearing everything he said. It was like some kind of miracle that he was in the position that he was, and he knew it too. And he was never going back. “You never even gave me a chance at that shit. You were happy to let me die without ever living a fucking life because you couldn’t be fucked trying.”

Amber looked down at her feet, unsteady. “I’m sorry,” was all she said. And there was no way one halfhearted apology from this woman, while she was high, could ever make up for the lifetime of pain Justin had withstood. Jessica waited for him to react, running her hand along his arm comfortingly.

“I forgive you,” he said in a whisper. And Jessica was shocked. But then again, she wasn’t. He wasn’t like her. He couldn’t hold grudges. He couldn’t despise anybody. Not his own mother. Making amends, Jessica remembered, he said that was the first step to recovery. That’s what he was trying to do all along, but Amber didn’t care.

“You do?” She said, surprised. It sounded like she might laugh, and Jessica hated that.

“Yeah,” Justin responded. “I’ve been in treatment… I forgive you. I don’t wanna hate you. It does nothing.” But Amber’s bitterness returned after that. She didn’t look happy to hear about his recovery. He shrugged his shoulders, his mood brightening. “There’s a rehab centre I can give you the details–“

Amber scoffed, looking at him with her eyes about to roll, “yeah? And where are you gonna get the money for that, baby? From your own pockets? From the pockets of those rich people who have taken you away from me?”

“Mom,” he said gently, confused by the change in tone, “they didn’t take me away from you… You left. They helped me get better.” He shook his head, staring down at his feet and the old doormat that he used to walk over every day. “Mom, you can get better, too.”

She just smirked, angry at the world, and her son. “How? It’s too late for me. It’s pointless.” Her lips turned up into a sneer. “Maybe, if _you_ had stayed all along… We wouldn’t be like this.” Then she slammed the door on him. Justin and Jessica stood in the hallway, dumbfounded. She looked over at him, searching for his reaction. But there was none.

* * *

“Jess,” he whispered into the darkness as they lay on her bed. The lights were off, there was a small shadow from her window in the corner but neither could see the other. They weren’t sleeping. They weren’t even under the covers. They just lay there, on her bed, their clothes on the floor. Staring at the ceiling. Like there was no time, as though life could go on forever. There had been mostly silence between them on the walk back to her house. If they spoke it wasn’t about anything that had happened tonight. Justin had eventually told her about his conversation with Clay at the party, which had only made Jessica angry… Anger that she had to push down and harbour until she could release it, instead she resolved to be supportive. They had gotten to her house and gone straight to her bedroom, after she found a puke bag, and poured him another three glasses of water to be a responsible girlfriend. And when she had come back to her room, he was just lying on her bed, looking haunted by everything that had happened. He asked her to turn the lights off, and she did. Then they lay there together. She didn’t know what was happening. She had no idea what was going through his head, and she wanted to make sure nothing she said drove him any further over the edge.

“Jess,” he whispered, and she blinked at the white spots on the ceiling in her view. “Do you ever feel, like, completely alone in the world?”

“Yeah,” she whispered back. “Sometimes.” It wasn’t like he was asking her a sad question, more like he was pondering life. So she gave him one back. “Do you ever feel like you’ll never escape your mistakes?”

Justin smiled in the darkness, she could hear that he was about to laugh. “Yes,” he said simply. “Yes, I do.” He went silent again, before asking another question. “What about secrets? Do you ever feel like you have too many, and too many with different people. That if they find out, they’ll run. And you’re constantly on edge about it. It’s just fucking crushing, you know?” She nodded her head, the sheets making a noise underneath her so he knew.

“I think I know all your secrets,” Jessica said softly, staring at the ceiling. “I mean… I’m one of many, aren’t I?” It was almost funny, she pressed her lips together in a sweet smile and looked over at him beside her. “I know about Bryce. I know about your mom, about the streets, about Seth and every fucked up guy who came before him.” She shrugged her shoulders, feeling the woollen blanket graze against her bare skin. “Isn’t that good? That I know and I haven’t run away?”

He clicked his tongue, “not yet, you haven’t.”

Jessica only chuckled in response, she wasn’t gonna let him believe that. “Do you remember,” she began, staring up at the ceiling, “when you told me, at the police station, about what happened to you on the streets? About what you did for money?” He didn’t put any voice to his response, she just felt him nod in the darkness. “Well, you know, I went home that night and I researched a fuck ton of info on the dangers of that, and what it could mean for you long term.”

He breathed a very short laugh, entertained. “Shit, really?” He whispered.

“Yeah,” she insisted. “I’m not fucking stupid. I knew there were risks and I have access to the internet.” They both properly relaxed back into the sheets of her bed, staring up at the pitch black ceiling again. “There was some awful stuff that came up. And I could have been mad. I could have lost my shit at you for endangering my safety and health… But I didn’t. I couldn’t.” No, instead she asked Justin to go with her to a Planned Parenthood, an hour away, so they could both get tested for HIV. And he did. He didn’t even argue. He didn’t protest or complain. At first he told her he had already been tested, that the Jensen’s took him to the doctor when he first got out of juvie. To which Jessica told him that they didn’t know about the other way he could have contracted it, so he should probably get tested again. And further more, he had used after that. He wasn’t difficult to convince. Not when she told him how dangerous HIV was, but he told her that he knew that. He told her he wanted to live, and he wanted to be healthy. So yes, he knew he had to get tested, and so did she.

“Would you have broken up with me?” He asked her softly. “If I had tested positive?” She looked over at him in the darkness, and no she couldn’t see him but knowing he was right beside her was comfort enough.

“No,” she whispered with feeling. “I would never do that. I love you.”

“Jess,” he whispered back, smiling, as though he couldn’t believe it. She left him speechless and loved. Adored. It was what he deserved after all. He’d never known the unconditional love of a parent. Jessica was probably as close as it ever got to unconditional. He didn’t see it that way yet, she wondered if he ever would. Jessica turned to him in the darkness, sitting up and crawling over him. Her palms went either side of his shoulders, her knees by his hips until she was kneeling over him and he couldn’t see a thing. Still, his hands found her hips, his fingers pressing into her skin until she felt like moving against him.

Jessica giggled, leaning in to find his lips in the darkness so she could kiss him. “You have to say it back,” she whispered to him.

“What?” He asked, and she could feel his breath on her skin. “That I love you?” She nodded, her lips grazing against his as she made a small moan of affirmation. She didn’t want to say it. He smiled against her lips, kissing her once. “I love you.” Hearing that, she brought her hands up to hold his face as she kissed him, over and over. At first she moaned, her back arching as she lay against him and that only made him smile against the kiss, so that made her smile. He left one hand holding her hip, and brought the other one up to run through her hair. When she giggled, he took the chance to say something into the pitch black. “I wish I could see you,” he whispered.

Jessica smirked, “but isn’t it hot not knowing what I’m gonna do next.” They both laughed, their lips still inches apart. She ran her hands over his face, his skin was so soft and she was glad he no longer tasted like tequila. All that water she made him drink had done wonders. “Did you wanna…” She trailed off, trying to find the right words to describe her current feelings. “Make love to me?” And they both laughed.

“Oh my God,” Justin said through his laughter, “Jess, no one says that. It’s so vanilla.” She giggled, her cheek grazing against his in the darkness as they tried to control their quiet laughter.

“Yeah? What do you want me to call it?” She smirked, trying to annoy him, and practically whispering against his lips. “Screwing? Fucking? Banging?”

He laughed. “It’s sexual intercourse, or fornication.” Jessica giggled, moving to press her forehead against his as she straddled him on the bed.

“Shit, you’re still drunk, aren’t you?” He reached out and ran his fingers lightly over her bare back as it arched.

“What I am…” he hesitated, “is drunk.” He was in the happy drunk stage. Her favourite stage. Smiling, Jessica kissed his lips once more. Then quickly she pressed her lips to his cheek. Then his jaw. Then his forehead. And everywhere on his face while he tried to stop laughing at her. “Jess, stop,” he whispered between breaths of laughter.

“Make me,” she challenged, and so he did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> part TWO (meaning, the day after this bc there IS more to this fic i just couldn't fit it in) will be in the next chapter as the opening to Thursday bc i don't have much for that episode bc he got some good jess/justin content. so.... fuck clay jensen lives. jessica is gonna beat the shit out of him emotionally next chapter and he's not gonna know what hit him. 
> 
> alsoooo go watch brandon flynn's new film Looks That Kill..... he refuses to promote it so i must because i love him and i want him to be successful and i want him to be better than 13rw, it's the only justice i'll ever get for justin foley


	6. Thursday

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also part two of the party but yes, Thursday. i was p happy with the jesstin content from that episode (except for "you wanna shoot me" like? made no sense? she fucking loved him and professed her love to him months ago, like, why did they ruin jess and justin so badly and make him feel like shit all season then die???) anyway, soft content. some angst. followed by the usual consolidation of the relationship bc s4 jesstin is NOT toxic and have learnt to communicate very well with each other.

There was a clanging sound that rang out, driving panic through Justin as he opened his eyes. He reached up and ran his hands tiredly over his face as he heard Jessica’s alarmed voice in the background.

“Fuck me,” she said in a hushed whisper.

Justin tried not to laugh, “what are you doing?” He asked, his eyes still adjusting to the light as he lay under the sheets on her bed.

“Shit,” Jessica said, her voice slightly louder, “did I wake you up?” Slowly he nodded, smiling as he did, and Jessica gave in and laughed. “I’m sorry. I didn’t think the glass would be that loud.”

“What glass?” He asked, legitimately pushing his voice to sound normal with how dry his throat was.

“Your glass of water. For your hangover.” He smiled as she came around to her side of the bed.

“You’re the fucking best,” he said, his eyes still adjusting. When they finally opened and he could see with the bright sunlight cascading through the bedroom window, he looked over at Jessica. “Aren’t you cold?” He asked her. She was standing there, placing a plate down on the bedside table in her underwear. He could see the way her skin sat on edge in the cold.

“Yes,” she admitted, smiling, “very cold.” His lips formed a tight smile as he stared at her, and he reached out across the bed.

“Come back,” he said in a whisper, and she couldn’t refuse him. Placing the food on the table beside the drink, she climbed back under the warmth of the covers. He slid his hand around her waist and her skin was like another world the way it felt so cold under the warmth of the sheets. So she shuffled closer and closer until her cold skin was pressed up against him and her lips were inches away from his.

“How much do you remember?” She asked him in a whisper. “From last night.”

“Everything,” he told her. “And I think I have memories of things that didn’t actually happen,” he started to smile at her, “did you… Did we? Or did I just dream that?” The corners of Jessica’s lips turned up and she chewed her bottom lip, running her cold fingers along his cheeks.

“Yeah,” she mumbled, “we did.” She smiled against his lips. “Was it that good you thought it was a dream? I’m flattered.” He laughed gently and then kissed her until she quietly moaned, which only made him smile more. She pulled him closer and his hands ran down her back, then further down until he was holding her thighs. It was too risky, and too early for them to be doing this but she wasn’t about to stop him. His fingers pressed into her skin, hard, and she hooked one leg around his waist, and then one arm around his neck. She pulled him closer and closer almost until he couldn’t breathe. Then she dug her nails into his skin and dragged them along his back. That was always her way of getting serious. As he held onto her, and quickly twisted around, Jessica went wide eyed and fell onto her back as he lay over her.

“Kinky,” she whispered. It really wasn’t, he thought. Sitting on his knees over her, Jessica rose to meet him, sitting up as she kissed him. Her arms hooked around his neck and his hands got closer and closer to the seam of her underwear, then she paused. Her hand snaked around to hold his throat gently, making him look at her. Now that was kinky, and that was all her. “So, are we back for good?” She asked in a low whisper. “Do I have to go searching for a condom?”

He smiled, “yeah, I think we’re back.” Jessica smirked as her fingers slowly withdrew from around his throat, pressing into his skin as she did.

“I knew you wouldn’t last,” she said, her eyes focusing on what her hands were doing. “I knew you’d give in to me.” Smiling back at her, he leaned in and kissed her neck, sucking her skin between his teeth for a moment. Then he let go of her, and she fell onto the mattress with a thud. Her eyes were wide as she stared up at him.

Justin smirked, “sorry,” he said casually. “I’m just not feeling it this morning.” Her lips pressed together in annoyance and he watched as she glared at him. Instead he reached over to the glass of water she had left for him as if he had no cares in the world.

“No,” she protested in a whining laugh, “come back. I didn’t mean it.” As he sipped the water from the glass, he made a face at her.

“Wait,” he said jokingly, “is this _you_ giving in to _me_?”

Jessica scowled, “no,” she said defensively. “I can go without sex forever, just you watch.” He made a face at her, as if to say he didn’t believe her for a second. But he kind of did. She was competitive, way more so than him. If she wanted to win, she would. Just not today. Instead she dug her hand under the pillow and pulled her phone out, and he continued to drink from the glass of water until his throat no longer felt like sandpaper. Disregarding their whole conversation, he reached out and ran his hand along her cheek, before catching it in her hair. Jessica’s eyes were focused on her phone but she tilted her head into his hand until he was practically holding her face and running his thumb along her jaw. He just watched her, and she knew he was staring.

“Oh my god,” Jessica said, her eyes going wide as she stared at the screen.

“What?” He asked, putting the glass back on the bedside table.

Jessica’s face scrunched up. “Zach was in a car accident last night,” she tore her eyes from the screen to see Justin’s reaction.

“Shit,” he muttered. “What happened?”

Her eyes scanned the screen. “He drove off the edge. Ran his expensive fucking car off and he’s hurt.” She looked up at him again and rolled her eyes. “We both told him not to drink and drive I can’t believe he’s that fucking dumb. It was only a matter of time.”

“I’m worried about him,” Justin admitted, and Jessica nodded her head.

“I’m worried about everybody,” she said gently. Clicking her phone off, she let it drop beside her on the bed. Then she reached her hand out in the stark cold to him. “Did you wanna go see him today? We can stop by his house?”

He shook his head. “He wants nothing to do with me. Or you.” His eyes were focused on her hands reaching out to him. “Whatever,” he muttered. “I’ll see him tomorrow.” He watched as Jessica gave up on him and decided to sit up in the bed. There was something about her expression. Something about her whole demeanour that changed in that moment. And Justin didn’t think his careless comment about Zach was what had caused it. She had been like this for weeks. Hiding things. Which wasn’t Jessica. She was usually loud, and blunt and honest. She said exactly how she felt about things and even when she didn’t, it was pretty easy to figure her out. But the last few months she had suffered in silence, and that made him worry. He knew the dangers of suffering in silence, and he didn’t want that at the expense of his recovery.

“Is there something on your mind?” He asked her carefully, sitting and watching her grab a bowl of strawberries from the bedside table. Jessica looked alarmed, her eyes flickered between him and the bowl she placed in her lap.

“What do you mean?” She asked, trying to be casual.

Justin stared at her, his gaze going nervously to the floor for a moment then coming right back up. He had never been this bold with her before. “I just mean… With Winston, and Diego and stuff… The party. Did you wanna talk about it?” His lips made a small tight smile, nervous, as he glanced down at his hands. “I feel like I haven’t been there for you. I feel like things have changed between us.”

Her gaze softened, “what makes you think that?” She asked.

His shoulders went up, then down, like he was nervous and small. He was scared, and she could tell. “Usually you tell me stuff. We talk. I mean… After Bryce happened you were honest with me about it. But now I feel like you walk on eggshells around me. And I don’t want our relationship to be like that. I want you to tell me things, even if you think they might hurt.”

Jessica smiled, shuffling forward on the bed to him. “Okay,” she whispered, “if that’s what you want.” He had never spoken to her like that. He had never asked for something so openly and honestly. Rehab really had opened him up to new things, and he was asking for help and speaking his truth. He wasn’t a new person, like everybody kept insisting. He was just a healthier version of who he was before. A happy version, or… A version that wanted to be happy, and would work towards that no matter the consequences. One who wanted the people around him to feel that kind of self assurance.

“So,” he said gently, his legs crossed under the sheets of the bed and her bare knees touching his. “Do you wanna talk about last night?” Jessica picked a strawberry slice out of the bowl sitting between them and popped it in her mouth, staring at him until she finished it.

“Diego was being an asshole,” she said simply, chewing.

Justin shook his head. “It’s more than that,” he said. “I know it is.”

Jessica bit her bottom lip, hesitating. “I have to tell you something, okay?” He nodded as though it was nothing, but deep down he was anxious to hear what she had to say. “Diego was onto us, last night at the party. And I don’t mean you and me… I mean… Me, and everybody else.”

“Shit,” he said in a hushed voice, trying to be understanding of her situation. He had to be empathetic. That was the key to forming healthy relationships, wasn’t it? To prolonging them, like he wanted to prolong the relationship he had with Jessica.

“He was onto Clay,” she said gently, and Justin understood exactly what that entailed. “He thinks that Clay is hiding something after all the shit that went down at the dance. He wants to get something out of Clay, or someone else… Someone like you, or Tyler.”

Justin made a face, “why? Is he really that desperate?”

Jessica nodded. “And Winston. It’s both of them.”

He nodded this time, trying to forget his limited view on the situation and focus on hers. The one they were supposed to be focusing on. “And what do you think about it?” He asked carefully, like he had practiced a hundred times before in rehab.

“I think that I feel scared,” she admitted, something he was proud to hear her admit to him. She never would have done so without his assurance, though of course she would have wanted to. “And I think I need to act before they circle back to me.”

He shuffled closer to her on the bed and reached out to hold her hands in her lap. “Don’t be scared,” he said gently. “No one will let anything happen to you.”

“I can’t trust that,” she told him seriously. “I know you have to say that because you feel helpless, but Justin I can’t believe that until I know for a fact that I’m safe.”

“You don’t trust me?” He asked.

“I trust you,” she insisted. “I don’t trust the others… Zach… Tyler…Clay.” Justin nodded that he understood her feelings. They weren’t hard to see with Clay acting bizarrely, Zach out of control and Tyler actively avoiding them most days. “But I had an idea,” she said quietly, “and I don’t think you’re gonna like it.”

He searched her expression, curious. “What is it?” He asked warily.

“You and I are publicly broken up, right?” He nodded slowly, still wary of where this was going. “Well, I had this idea that if I get close to Diego I could, like, push him away. Send him on a different track regarding everything. And make him think that Luke or someone did it. Until they run out of evidence and just give up.”

Justin looked down at his hands, pulling them back from hers in betrayal. “So, you mean you wanna like… Date him?”

Jessica shook her head, “I don’t wanna _date_ him. Just get close to him, somehow. Get involved.”

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea. I mean, what if you– What if you say something that makes them suspicious?”

Jessica shook her head at him. “They’re already suspicious. I refuse to do nothing while everything could be falling apart. Don’t you trust me?”

“Of course I trust you,” he said. “Just be careful.” She leaned in closer, wanting to kiss him when there were footsteps outside her door.

“Jessica?” Her dad’s voice rang out from the hallway and Jessica’s eyes went wide. She mouthed the word the word ‘fuck’ to Justin in shock and pushed him off the bed. “Is someone with you?” Her dad asked hesitantly, having obviously heard their voices.

“I’m just…” Jessica glanced around as Justin picked up his shirt from the floor. “On the phone,” she decided casually. “Just talking on loudspeaker.” Justin made a face at her as he walked over to the window and her eyes went wide. “No,” she said, aloud, “the wardrobe!” And so he rolled his eyes and crossed the room to her wardrobe. Then she panicked. “Okay, bye!” She pretended to end the phone call and Justin tried not to laugh as he shut the door of her wardrobe, dropping his clothes at his feet. Then he stood there, in the darkness, waiting for the all clear.

“Jessica,” her dad sounded concerned, “I’m opening the door, okay?” She pulled the covers up to her chin and sunk down into her bed, the bowl of strawberries tipped over and spread over the covers. She ignored it.

“You’re back early,” she said when his head popped in. “How was work?” Her dad ignored the question.

His frown was suspicious. “Who were you talking to? It sounded like Justin…”

She nodded, “it was. We were talking about school stuff.”

“On a Sunday morning? And why were you discussing wardrobes?”

Jessica’s eyes widened as she tried to think up an excuse. “He thought they were called closets and I think they’re called wardrobes.”

Her dad nodded. “I see. Well, wardrobes are for clothes but closets can keep more than just clothes.” He was very matter of fact about it.

Jessica smiled. “Fantastic,” she said with a nod. “I’ll tell him that.”

* * *

“You’re a fucking asshole!” Jessica pushed a boy in a Liberty jacket out of her way as she stormed through the hallway. “You’re a fucking awful person.” Clay was wide eyed as he turned to her from his locker. Everybody was staring. Justin would have hated her for doing this, but Jessica didn’t care. She was pissed.

“What the hell?” Clay asked, noticing the eyes on him from everywhere.

Coming to a stop before him, Jessica slammed his locker shut and glared him in the eye. He was terrified of her, and by right. “Clay, I don’t know what the fuck is up with you. But you need to get your shit together and stop bringing _everybody_ _else_ down with you.”

Clay shook his head, staring. “What are you talking about?” Her face screwed up in rage, and she glanced around at everybody who was waiting to hear what the fuck he did.

“The way you’re treating Justin, it needs to fucking stop.”

Clay scoffed, “what? You mean clothing him and giving him a bed to sleep in so he can just relapse again?”

Jessica leaned in close to him, “he’s clean,” she hissed. “He’s fucking clean and you know he is. You’re the one who’s fucking not.”

Clay made a face. “Jess, what the hell are you talking about?” Her lips bunched up in a scowl and she grabbed his wrist, dragging him to the door at the end of the lockers so they could talk privately. She didn’t want everybody to hear about Clay’s drug habits. She practically flung him into the empty classroom and he stumbled before meeting a table to stand upright beside. Jessica slammed the door behind her and turned, glaring daggers at him.

“Did you and Justin get drug tested on Friday?” She asked him, raising an eyebrow. Clay nodded hesitantly.

“I don’t see how that–“

“And,” she interrupted him loudly, “was one positive?”

He nodded, “yeah, mine. But I don’t do drugs. I’ve never even done weed.”

Jessica’s eyes rolled so aggressively it hurt her head. “Oh, shut the fuck up. You don’t have to lie. I’m not your fucking parents.” She chewed her bottom lip, crossing her arms at him. “Justin saw you at the party. Smoking weed.”

Clay’s brow furrowed. “Then it wasn’t me! I didn’t smoke anything. I don’t smoke.” Jessica hardened her glare on him and Clay was at his wits end. “I’m serious, Jess! I don’t do drugs. I live with a drug addict. I’ve seen him puke enough times to put me off weed for the rest of my short life. Maybe Justin’s using again and he lied to you. Did you ever think of that?”

“It was you,” Jessica hissed. “He told you to stop. And what the fuck did you say to him?” It was a rhetorical question. Jessica sure as fuck knew what Clay had said.

“I didn’t say anything to him because I didn’t see him.”

“Bullshit!” She shouted back, then her expression broke into a smile. What did he think he was going to accomplish? This was stupid. “I don’t know why you’re lying, but I’m worried about you. And that makes me worried for myself. You’re not in a good place, Clay. You need some help.”

“I didn’t see Justin all day Saturday because he was working. I didn’t see him at the party. He was gone when I came home, and he didn’t come back until yesterday afternoon. And when he did he was fine. He didn’t say anything. He’s lying to you!” Jessica scoffed, biting her lip and looking away. She had more important things to do anyway.

“Just apologise to him,” she said finally. “I can’t fucking deal with you. Okay?”

“I don’t even know what I’m apologising for,” he said.

Jessica’s glare darkened. “You’re apologising for not believing him. For lying and making your parents not believe him. Clay you don’t fucking understand what it’s like not to be believed… Because of mistakes you’ve made in the past. To be telling the truth clear as fucking day and have someone lie and lie, and watch everybody believe them over you.”

* * *

“You look so pretty today,” Diego said to her, and Jessica smiled. Well, she forced herself to smile.

“So before today I was ugly?” She asked, cocking her head. A smirk spread across her face then as his expression fell.

“I didn’t mean it like that,” he said defensively. “I think you look pretty every day.”

Jessica flicked her hair over her shoulders and scribbled down another word in her notebook. “I’m just messing with you,” she said casually. The library was practically empty, and no one saw her talking to him. “I like to keep you on your toes. Can’t let that pretty head of yours get too full of itself.”

His smirk came back into place, and he leaned back in his chair across from her. “You think I’m pretty? Why not hot?”

Jessica rolled her eyes playfully, dropping her pen on the table with emphasis. “Why don’t boys like being called pretty?” She asked him in fake exasperation. “Why do girls always get told they’re pretty over hot, but the minute you say a guy is pretty they’re like… Offended?”

He shrugged a shoulder at her, playing it as casual as she was. Little did he know he was being played. “You’ve been talking to me all week after the party. I think I’m owed a little more than pretty, don’t you? What’s a guy gotta do to take you on a proper date?”

Jessica sighed, her eyes falling away from his and back down at her page of Spanish homework. “I’m busy,” she said. “And I don’t think I owe you anything. We’re just talking, aren’t we?”

Diego looked at her closely, “are we, Davis? Or is it something more?”

Jessica shook her head, smiling. “I don’t know,” she admitted. “Is that what you would want?”

His lips turned up. “Well, isn’t it obvious?” When she didn’t respond he scoffed, staring at her. He had just come and sat opposite her. He had started talking to her. Jessica didn’t know why he thought she owed him any of her attention in this empty library. “What is it? Your friends don’t want you to have anything to do with me?”

Jessica shook her head, her eyes still on the page she was scribbling on. “HO doesn’t control me. I control it.”

Diego stared. “No, I don’t mean them. I mean your buddy Dempsey, the failed footballer. Or Alex Standall. Or your psycho friend Clay. How close are you two, anyway?”

“We’re not that close,” Jessica partially lied. And they weren’t since she yelled at him on Monday. Clay was her friend, yes. He was a good friend, or he had been. But they didn’t talk much. Not unless he wanted something. The same went for everybody Diego named.

“No?” Diego asked. “So… Justin, then? He’s the one controlling you?"

Jessica’s eyes slowly came up to glare at him. “No one controls me,” she warned. “Especially not Justin.”

“So go out with me tonight,” Diego offered. “Prove me wrong. Prove me you don’t let Justin control you.”

Jessica glared. She had two choices. Let Diego think Justin controlled her, or let Diego control her. Which upper hand did she need? “Fine,” she decided. “But I choose where we go.”

He smiled in victory. “Whatever you want,” he said. “I’ll be there.” Then he stood up from his seat, not even pushing the chair into the table, and walked out of the library. Jessica watched him leave, her eyes following him in concern. I’m not gonna date him, Jessica had promised. Now what the fuck had she done? Her pride would kill her one of these days.

* * *

“So guess who I scored a date with?” Diego loudly called out in the gym. “Jessica Davis!” His group of friends all shouted out in victory and Justin stood to the side, glaring. He watched as they all clapped Diego on the shoulder, congratulating him on finally wearing her down or whatever. Their voices echoed through the gym.

“Dude, she’s, like, terrifying. Good job.”

“Shit, she’s hot. How did I not know she was single?”

“Good luck trying to handle that. She’s a hot mess.”

“Guys,” Diego told them all, trying to be the bigger person. “She’s a person. Treat her with some respect.” They all sniggered as though what he had said was funny. Justin rolled his eyes at them, crossing his arms and leaning back against the wall as he glared at them from across the gym. They were so stupid. It wasn’t like he was jealous… He had nothing to be jealous of. Jessica told him she was going to get close to Diego, and he told her that was fine as long it made her feel safe. But nothing about this seemed safe. And Jessica had promised specifically not to date Diego, and now she had a date with him, apparently. Or was Diego just talking shit?

Luke snickered, leaning in to Diego, but everybody could hear what he was saying. “Do you think she’s the type to put out on the first date?”

Scoffing, Diego shoved Luke back. “Shut up, Luke.” It was like Diego thought Jessica could find out if he said something shitty, and that then she’d reject him. Because before today, Justin had known Diego to be relatively open about wanting girls to put out. He’d never hidden those comments before.

“Sorry,” Luke muttered, standing back in shame. With another eye roll, Justin pulled his phone out of his pocket. Hiding it from Coach Kerba on the other side of the gym, he tapped on his messages and found Jessica’s contact. At the top, as always. He typed a message out in annoyance and pressed send. Then he realised it probably sounded a little harsh.

**What class do you have? Need to talk.**

“Foley,” Diego called out, and Justin looked up, quickly shoving his phone back into his pocket.

“What do you want?” He asked in annoyance, glaring as Diego and his friends strolled closer.

Diego’s smirk was plastered across his face, “did you hear about my date?”

Justin clicked his tongue, casually, “I did. I think everyone did…” He looked Diego in the eye and tilted his head. “Does Jessica know you’re taking her out?” The smirk on Diego’s face slowly fell as he understood what Justin was implying. Right when he thought Diego was about to launch his fist right into Justin’s face, his smirk returned.

“What? Are you jealous I got your girl?” His friends all glanced between each other, chuckling.

“Jessica doesn’t belong to me,” Justin told him casually, not rising to the bait.

“No,” Diego snickered, “she sure doesn’t.” Justin didn’t know what the fuck that meant, so he just ignored it. Like he always ignored Diego. “Shouldn’t this make me team captain?” Diego asked, grinning. “I mean, don’t I have way more influence than you do?”

Justin rolled his eyes. “Why do you care? I don’t even wanna be co-captain.”

“Exactly,” Diego insisted, his voice rising. “You don’t even want it. Nobody voted you or St George in. They want me.”

Justin smirked, “you sure that’s what they want?”

“If we take a vote, I bet not a single person would vote for you.”

Justin laughed, “you bet?” He mocked.

“Dude,” Diego said, in that tone that made out he was the bigger person here, “I only tell the truth here.” The corners of his lips turned up into a smirk. “No one wants a junkie running the team. Not one who can’t even stay clean. One who still gets shit-faced at parties.”

Justin’s glare singled in on Diego, “fuck you.”

Diego’s smirk only stayed in place. “Jessica sure seems to want to.” Justin pushed himself off the wall, and Diego looked ready to throw hands in the middle of the gym. Before either of them acted, Coach Kerba stepped in.

“Hey,” he hissed, glancing between them both. “No fighting here. Keep it together.” Diego nodded, his scowl saying that he was reluctant to let the argument go, but he would nonetheless. Justin didn’t care. He pulled his phone out and saw Jessica’s response to him.

**Free. In the HO room doing hw.**

Justin looked over at Coach Kerba as the others sulked away. “Can I go to the bathroom?” He asked, trying to be casual. But the Coach had never been angry at him for the argument, he waved away Justin’s request with a gesture, letting him do whatever he wanted. The Coach walked off, about to start his gym class with the rest of his students, but Justin walked out the gym doors. He didn’t intend on coming back any time soon.

* * *

Jessica looked up as there was a knock on the wall. Justin stood in the doorway, watching her. “Hey,” was all he said, gently and casually.

Jessica smiled, closing her textbook on the bench. “Hey,” she responded. Awkwardly, he took two steps into the empty room.

“Hey,” he said again, glancing around.

Her smile widened at him as she stared, noticing his uniform. “You have P.E?”

Justin nodded, looking down at his feet. “Yeah, I have it this time every Thursday. You know that.”

Jessica nodded. “I know,” she said. Something was wrong. His voice was emotionless. Empty. “What’d you wanna talk about?” She asked. Jessica put her elbows up on the table and then her chin in the palm of her hands. She stared at him.

Justin looked around the room. Everywhere but at her. “What are you doing after school?” He asked.

Her gaze hardened. “I guess you heard,” she mumbled, regretful. “I didn’t mean to agree,” she said. “I promise I didn’t.”

Justin only laughed quietly. “I don’t believe that. Isn’t ‘no’ your, like, favourite word or whatever?”

Jessica cocked her head. “You don’t have to be a dick about it,” she said.

A smirk spread across his face, mocking her. “You’re cheating on me, and _I’m_ the bad guy… How the fuck does that work, Jess?”

She ran her thumbs under her eyes, rubbing her skin in frustration. “Justin, I’m not cheating on you. I’m handling shit. My shit.”

He rolled his eyes. “Are you sure? Are you handling it, or _handling_ him?” He made a lewd gesture at her with his hands and Jessica’s face screwed up in disgust.

“Gross,” she snapped. “You said you were okay with it!”

“Did I?” He asked her defensively. His voice growing louder. “Did I? Because I don’t remember saying ‘hey Jess, you should totally go fuck Diego so he doesn’t send you to jail’… I never said that.” Her eyes nearly rolled out of her head.

“Classic,” she snapped, “it’s classic of you to get jealous as soon as I deal with my own shit.”

His eyes went wide. “How?” He asked her in exasperation. “You do whatever you want, Jess. The rest of us wait to face the consequences.”

Offended, her mouth dropped open. “Is this about Bryce?” She asked him. “Because last I checked I’m the only one dealing with it. The only one. And you’re the one trying to stop me.” She scoffed. “It’s as though you enjoy seeing me miserable.”

His face twisted up, “Jess,” he exclaimed. “How can you– How can you say that to me? I love you.” Her anger softened then, and she didn’t know what to say. What she wanted was to say it back, but she couldn’t let him sweep their argument under the rug with professions of love. Wasn’t that manipulation? Wasn’t that just him controlling her responses? Jessica didn’t think that was his intention.

“Then why don’t you wanna be with me?” She asked him softly. “Why are you ashamed of me?”

His demeanour changed then, and he realised she had taken the argument somewhere different. “Jess,” he whispered, “I’m not ashamed of you. How could you think that?” He looked incredulous.

“It’s been four months,” she said. “And you still don’t want me. I’ve waited and waited. I’ve given you everything. And I just… I feel like you don’t really want me. You just start arguments with me all the time. I feel used.”

Justin tore his eyes away from her and looked at the floor instead. “I’m sorry,” he said quietly. “I didn’t mean to do that. I wanted to go public. I did. But…”

“But what?” She asked him.

“But you wanted to be with Diego, and we couldn’t be together if you wanted that. I was trying to give you what you asked for. What you wanted.” He frowned. “I didn’t mean to make you feel used. I didn’t. I promise I didn’t.”

Jessica’s lips turned up gently. “I believe you,” she whispered. She was about to climb off the stool at the bench and go to him but an alarm rang out instead. It sent a wave of terror through her. It screamed in her ears and she went wide eyed, looking over at Justin. They both panicked.

Justin turned to the door, trying to make a proper choice. “I have to go back to class. They’ll think I–“

“No,” Jessica hissed, she came to her feet and ran over to him. “No, no,” she insisted. “The rules are you stay where you are. You’re here. The gym is on the other side of the school. You’re not leaving.” He wanted to argue, she could tell, but he nodded instead.

“Where can we hide?” He asked her in a hushed voice, the alarm still sounding over them. Jessica tilted her head and gestured to the backroom. They both ran over, quickly opening the door and then shutting it behind them. Jessica pulled a heavy filing cabinet from the left over, and Justin pulled the one from the right until they met in the middle and held the door closed. No one could push past that. Jessica glanced up behind them in the dirty, unused basement. There was a window. It was open. She left Justin to make sure the cabinets were sturdy shields as she climbed onto the bench underneath the window and pushed it closed, then locked it. When she came back down, she noticed the fear in Justin’s eyes, something she had never seen before. He was staring at her, waiting for her to hide with him. Her shoes hit the cold concrete floor in front of him and she pointed to the corner.

“We can hide over there,” she decided in a whisper. He nodded, glancing over momentarily. It was the most obvious spot. A small section in the corner of the room invisible to anybody who came through the door, or looked through the window. At least Jessica hoped that was the case. They both squeezed into the tiny space, practically on top of each other because it was so small. They both drew their knees up, and he held onto her hand in her lap.

After a second of silence, he spoke. “This is just a drill, right?” He asked in a whisper.

“Yeah,” Jessica lied. “It must just be a drill.”

He nodded. “Cause they’d tell you, right? As Head of the Student Body?” The thought haunted her. Bolan would have told her, wouldn’t he?

“I don’t know,” she whispered back. Then he quietened for a while. They sat there, neither daring to speak a word. Both of them were thinking the same thing. This wasn’t a drill, neither dared to voice the thought though. It was silent between them for a while, for what felt like hours. Jessica’s mind spiralled and spiralled. She wanted to cry. She wanted a distraction. So she was the first to speak again. “We can’t just sit in silence.”

His eyes flickered over to hers. “What do we do then?”

She bit her lip, shrugging. “Why were you angry with me? Why did you come down here?”

He stared ahead, his voice a whisper in the backroom. “I was angry because you told me to trust you, and then you went against your word.”

She blinked. “What word?”

“You said you weren’t gonna date him… I said I didn’t want that.” Jessica looked over at the frustration in his expression, and she felt guilty.

“I didn’t mean to hurt you,” she whispered. “I did it because I was scared. He was close and I needed a way out. I needed some control.”

He nodded, his anger beginning to simmer. “Okay,” he said. “I get it.”

She let a short breath out of her nose, as close to a laugh as could. “I don’t wanna die mad at you. So… I’m sorry. And if we make it out of this alive, I’ll call off the date. I promise.”

Justin sighed, “no,” he gave in. “You don’t have to if you really think it will help. Just don’t like… Don’t suck his dick or anything.” Jessica muffled her laughter by burying her face into his shoulder, shaking her head against him.

“I won’t,” she promised. They went silent again, his hand intertwined with hers as they sat there.

“Jess,” he said into the silence. “I don’t think this is a drill.”

She stared ahead. “I don't either.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that drill ep was fucked UP
> 
> anyway have y'all watched looks that kill yet? it's fucking adorable. like i thought brandon was amazing as justin, but in that movie he is perfectly fucking adorable and i loved him too. he has the Range™ please give him every award. < that is me doing brandon's promo for him. he doesn't pay me but he should at this point lmao, i make joke.


	7. College Interview

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi this episode was so sad. i really appreciated justin's scenes. brandon's acting was amazing and so i left all those moments in.   
> also i am posting this in a rush so i didn't check for spelling mistakes. be nice. rip.

“Now when the man says–“

“How do you know it’s gonna be a man?” Jessica asked him, sitting on the chair opposite him in the library. “It could be a woman. What? You don’t think women can hold college interviews?”

Justin rolled his eyes, smiling. “I hate you,” he muttered. “So when the person holding the interview, whatever gender they identify as, asks you about HO, what are you gonna say?”

Jessica squinted, stretching her legs out over his lap. Her head went back to stare up at the ceiling. “I will say…” She was thinking on it, her head lulling side to side as she considered. “That I created it as a way of helping girls who have been through similar things that I have.” Jessica’s head came up to check for Justin’s reaction.

He raised an eyebrow at her, “just girls?” He critiqued.

Jessica panicked, shocked that she’d messed up something so obvious, “everybody,” she corrected. “Everybody who has been victimised at this school. We’re fighting to give them a safe space and a voice they can use for change.”

He smiled, and clicked his tongue at her. “Perfect,” he said. “You’re gonna fucking ace this interview.”

Jessica touched her bottom lip with her thumb, staring at him. “So,” she drawled, her voice becoming gentle. “If they ask you about your time on the streets, what are you gonna tell them?”

He shook his head. “I don’t think they’ll ask about that,” he said. Jessica poked him with her foot.

“But,” she said slowly, “what if they do? You gotta be prepared.”

He shrugged. “I tell the truth,” he said. “I mean it’s in my essay… Kind of.” His eyes glanced around the library where Jessica had been studying until he interrupted. “Just that I ran away, from my mom. That she let people hurt me so I left. And then I came back, and Matt and Laine are adopting me. I don’t know what else.” Jessica stood up from her chair and came over to him, her expression looking concerned.

“Are you gonna talk about the drugs? The assaults?” She asked him in a whisper, slipping her legs through the arms of the chair until she was sitting in his lap, her skirt hiked up around her waist, not that she cared necessarily.

“Are you gonna talk about Bryce?” He bit back. Jessica frowned, she knew what he meant but that didn’t mean she liked it. “Jess, I don’t want my entire college experience to exist because of… Because of _that_. I want it to be because they think I’m smart, or that I’m a good person. Not because I had all this awful shit happen. I just wanna be normal.”

Jessica nodded, “I get it,” she told him. “But I don’t think it’s realistic. Because, yes, you are smart and you’re good, but, so are a million other people. If what happened to you is the difference between them getting in, and you… Isn’t that just, like, the biggest fuck you to anybody who hurt you? I mean, Bryce is dead, and I’m alive. I get to go to college. He doesn’t. I doubt anybody who hurt you thought you’d be where you are today.” She went silent after that as she was looking into his eyes. His expression was blank as he processed what she said, then he smiled.

“That’s fucking badass,” he said, looking at her closely. “What college wouldn’t want you?”

Jessica grinned, biting her bottom lip. “You liked that, huh?” He nodded, staring as he ran his fingers over her cheeks. “There are certain benefits to dating the school President.”

He smirked, “what does that make me? The first lady?”

Jessica giggled. “There has never been a woman or a gay man in the White House, so I can’t say. The first… Man? I don’t know.” She shrugged, thinking on it.

He made a face, “I don’t like that. It sounds weird.” Jessica nodded in agreement. He was smiling at her instead, moving his hands down to hold her waist as he looked down at her blazer and shirt. “You look so pretty, Jess,” he said with a smile. “Exactly like the Student Body President,” he leaned in close to her lips. “Or like a sexy secretary.”

Jessica giggled. “Yeah? Some sexy glasses would look great with this, don’t you think?”

“Oh my God,” Justin laughed, “you’ll look like you’re in a bad porno. No way.”

She leaned in close, giggling against his lips as she wanted to kiss him. “Do you remember that sex shop we went into? How creepy was that place?”

His eyes went wide, “so creepy,” he agreed. She held his face in her hands and kissed him, smiling as she did. The way she always did. He put one hand between her shoulder blade and one on the small of her back, holding her close. As her lips pressed harder and harder against his, he could feel how badly she wanted to start moving her hips, which made him smile.

“Hey,” she whispered against him, pulling away an inch. “I surrender, regarding our bet.”

The sides of his smile turned up, “what bet?” He asked her.

She bit her bottom lip, looking him right in the eye. “The sex bet.”

“Ohh,” Justin whispered, “I guess I won. And after you were so intent on winning.” She tilted her head to the side, letting her hair fall off her shoulder. Unable to resist her, he kissed the arch of her neck, tempted to start sucking on her skin until it went red. But, she had a college interview in two hours so he decided against it. Not that Jessica would ever show him the same courtesy.

Jessica quietly moaned, and they were lucky the library was empty. “You were about to give in to me any day now. I’m just being the bigger person.” He laughed and Jessica could feel his breath against the bare skin of her neck. “My Dad’s home tonight,” she whispered. “Can I come over?” As she moved around to look at him again, his hands ran along her back, pointlessly making patterns as an excuse just to touch her.

“Sure,” he said. “I can kick Clay out for a bit.”

She smirked, shaking her head. “For a long, long time,” she whispered seductively.

He smiled, “yeah, okay. A long time.” She grazed the tip of her nose against his cheek, smiling. Then she pulled back, her expression going back to being serious.

“How is he? Clay?”

Justin shrugged. “He’s… Clay. He doesn’t talk to me. He doesn’t want anything to do with me. He’s… going through something and I don’t know how the fuck it’s gonna turn out.”

Jessica’s frown deepened. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I can’t believe he’s still doing his interview today. That’s insane. After everything he’s been through this week. Can’t they postpone it?”

Justin shrugged. “Matt and Laine said the same but… He wants to act like he’s fine but he’s not. He thinks if he just ignores it, it’ll go away. And I feel like shit because he’s been driven insane by everything and I’ve been handling my own shit.”

Jessica shook her head. “That’s not your fault. You tried to help him and he pushed you away.”

Justin brushed it off with a sigh, “I don’t wanna talk about this anymore.” He glanced around the library. “How was your date with Diego on Saturday?”

Jessica rolled her eyes. “It wasn’t a date,” she insisted. “We just hung out at the Crestmont.”

He scoffed, looking critical, “so a date?”

She raised an eyebrow, “I thought you were trusting me? So trust me when I say it was nothing.”

He wasn’t sure though. “Did you kiss him?”

The corners of her lips turned up. “Why would I kiss him when I’ve got you on call for that? And you’re so much better.”

He smiled back at her. “Are you flirting with me to change the subject?” 

She shook her head, grinning. “I’m hyping you up. Come on.” She ran her fingers along his face, tempted to kiss him again. “You’re gonna be amazing. Fuck Clay. Fuck Bryce, and your mom, and all her shitty boyfriends. This is about you. And your fucking future.” He looked down, smiling as he avoided her eyes. Jessica ran her fingers along his cheeks, waiting for him look back up at her. “You look very professional,” she told him. “Very handsome.” He looked up at her, his smile was small, but embarrassed.

“Can I kiss you?” He asked her.

She pouted her lips and cocked her head to the side. “I’d be mad if you didn’t.” He very gently pressed his lips to hers, and she smiled, taking it further and kissing him harder. Remembering they were in a library and that somebody could walk in at any moment, Jessica pulled back and put her forehead against his instead. She sighed. “You know I hate it when you ask to kiss me,” she complained with a smile. “You know I find asking for consent to be the hottest thing ever… But asking to kiss your girlfriend of like four months is such a buzzkill. It’s contradicts so much.”

Justin nearly laughed, “you’re so weird,” he whispered. “But I love you. A whole fucking lot.”

Jessica smirked, running her hands over his shoulders. “God,” she said in a gentle voice, “we’re gonna have fun tonight.”

* * *

As Jessica walked out of the interview, she quietly shut the door behind her. As soon as it closed, the click sounded and Jessica let out a deep, anxious sigh. She shut her eyes, squeezing them tight as her head dropped. I won’t cry, she thought, that’s stupid. She took a few steps back into the hallway, worried that the woman was watching her from inside the room. Jessica turned on her heels, tucking her hair behind her ears and looking up at the empty hallway. She took a few more steps, trying to clear her head. The interview had her on edge. Jessica had never done an interview and felt like she fucked it up. She had never done that in her life. Never left something so important feeling anything less than proud and confident. Had she said something stupid? Or was it really just a feeling? Was she just spiralling because she was so nervous about college? Jessica’s SAT scores had been nothing more than mediocre. She feared that not even the interview was enough to get her in, so she tried so hard. She tried too hard, maybe.

As Jessica turned the corner into the main hallway, she was too caught up in her thoughts, spiralling and dreading the day her college letter came. A day that was far too soon, and at the same time not close enough. But as she stepped out from the corner she came face to face, nearly right upon impact, with Justin. They both froze, going wide eyed in unexpected shock of walking into someone, and being brought out of their thoughts. Then realisation settled in, and they saw that this was not a stranger.

Jessica blinked, her lips parting as she wet them. “Hey,” she said, trying to sound casual. Not nervous. Not like she just fucked up her interview that he was so convinced she would ace. “What are you doing out? Your interview isn’t for like an hour.”

He looked down at his feet, nervous. “I was just, uh…” He was stuttering, hesitating as he tried to find the words. Jessica knew he did that when he panicked. “I just– I was… I was in the bathroom.”

She watched him carefully. “You okay?” She asked him, and he nodded, overly enthusiastic.

“Yeah,” he shrugged, his voice was hoarse but he tried to convince her. “I’m okay. I think.” She wasn’t convinced, tilting her head in concern. She opened her mouth to ask him again but he got in before her. “How was the interview?” He asked brightly, trying to smile. That brought all Jessica’s worries back. She would much rather have gone back to Justin’s issues, whatever they were. But he seemed genuinely curious.

“I don’t know,” she told him honestly. “I feel really bad about it. I don’t feel confident.”

He frowned, “shit,” he whispered, “I’m sorry Jess. I’m sure it was nothing. I’m sure they were just… blown away by you.”

She rolled her eyes. “You’re a dork. Don’t say blown away, that’s weird.” But then they both smiled.

“So, was it a man or a woman?” He asked curiously.

“Woman,” Jessica said, raising an eyebrow. “You better pay up.”

He laughed. “We never had a bet on that. I don’t have any money.”

Jessica smirked, “who said you were paying me in money?” Smiling back at her, he reached out to hold her. She wrapped her arms around him, and rested her head against his shoulder. Whether he was hugging her for his own comfort, or hers, Jessica wasn’t sure. She just knew she needed it this once.

“I’m sorry about your interview,” he whispered.

Jessica groaned. “Stop apologising,” she whispered back. He hadn’t done it in a while. He had been better. He had been happier. Now… Now this felt strange.

“Still,” he said, not even laughing at her like he usually did. “I’m sure you’ll get in. You’re amazing. How could they not want you?”

She rolled her eyes, but he couldn’t see as she hugged him. “God,” she complained with a smile. “I’m already fucking you, what more do you want from me?” He laughed, letting her pull away from the hug. Her cheek was wet and she looked at his shoulder where it had been, and then her brow furrowed. “Why is your collar wet? And your hair?” She pouted, running her fingers along the tip of his soaked collar.

He looked down, as if he only just noticed and shrugged it off. “I just…I was anxious about the interview, you know. They said water helps you calm down and I tried it.” Then he smiled. “And it kinda got messy.” Jessica didn’t want to be concerned, but she was.

“Okay,” she said gently, “are you feeling better about it?”

Awkwardly, he shrugged. “It’s fine,” he said.

Jessica tried to smile, to put him at ease with how she had messed up her interview. “You’re gonna be great,” she said. “Just be yourself.”

He snickered, “be yourself? What kind of cliche bullshit is that, Jess? Holy shit.” She laughed, biting her lip as she watched him smile back.

She shrugged, smirking. “I’m sure you could just flirt with the interviewer and they’d let you in,” she joked. “Who would say no to you, and your pretty face.” He smiled then, and her comment was very much solidified. He was pretty, and unlike all the other boys he didn’t object to the compliment. “Just do them some favours,” she giggled, “if all else fails.”

His head dropped to look at his feet, and Jessica waited for him to look back up at her. “Jess, that’s like illegal,” he said in a quiet voice.

“You’re 18,” she said jokingly, “it’s only, like, slightly illegal.” She waited for him to laugh at her inappropriate sexual joke, but he didn’t. Then she realised. “Shit,” she whispered. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to joke about…”

He shook his head, “it’s fine,” he looked back up, but he was avoiding her eyes. So that meant it wasn’t fine.

“Seriously,” she said, “I forgot, I didn’t mean to say anything like that…” He shrugged it off again, and she knew something was up with him. She figured it was her stupid joke that did it, she hadn’t meant to imply what she did. She didn’t mean to offend him. “Did you wanna talk about it?” She asked him quietly. “Later tonight?”

He shook his head again. “No, it’s fine. I think I’m busy tonight anyway. I have homework.” Her heart felt heavy. He was avoiding her now. She really fucked up.

“Are you sure? I feel like we don’t talk about that stuff, and I want you to know you can talk to me about–“

“I don’t wanna talk about it!” He was wide eyed, and he looked like he was about to start crying. “Just leave it alone.”

“Okay,” she said harshly, “I will then.”

His head fell again. “I’m sorry,” he whispered.

“Don’t worry about it,” she told him gently. “You’re gonna be okay in the interview. Just be polite, be nice and smile.”

Then he genuinely smiled. “Why smile?” He asked. “You’d never tell a girl to smile.”

Jessica reached up on her toes to him and grinned. “Because you have a nice smile. It could make anybody fall in love with you.” His smile widened then, and so did hers, if that were possible. “Like I love you.” He kissed her gently, and her stomach was filled with butterflies as he did. She was inches away from him when she whispered to him one last time. “If only your mom could see you now, huh? A fucking prestigious college interview.” She went to kiss him again but he pulled away.

“I have to go,” he told her hoarsely, shaking his head. He was staring at the ground again. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” He pulled away from her, about to walk away when she grabbed his arm.

“Justin, what’s wrong? What is going on?” He turned back to her, his eyes were glassy but he still smiled at her like everything was fine.

He shrugged. “I’m okay, Jess,” he assured her sweetly. “I just have to get back to class.” Then he turned again, his shoulders slumping as he walked down the hallway. She wanted to go after him. She wanted to follow him in a not creepy, not a stalker girlfriend kind of way. But she couldn’t. She had a class she was already late for, and if she pushed any more of his boundaries she’d only push him further away. 

* * *

  
“What are you doing here?” He asked, his voice weak from crying. The outhouse was dark and Jessica could barely see as she closed the door behind her. She slowly and carefully walked through the room, to stand at his bedside.

“I’ve been calling you for hours. Texting too. Last time you ignored me for that long you were…” High, but she didn’t want to say it. “I called Clay, and he didn’t answer either. So I was worried.” He was just staring at the sheets on the end of the bed. “Then Mrs Jensen called me,” she said in a whisper, and his head came up in alert.

“She called you?” He clarified, his voice still barely a whisper.

Jessica nodded, trying to smile for him. “Well she called my dad, asking for me. She said that your mom passed away, and she was worried about you. She said she didn’t know how to help you, or how to support you… I was the only person she knew who– Who knew your mom.”

“Yeah,” Justin agreed gently, “you kind of are.” Her eyes scanned him sitting in a ball at the head of the bed, her brow crumpled.

“What are you doing?” She asked him. His eyes fell again to the bare bed as he shrugged.

“I’m just sitting here,” he whispered.

“It’s weird,” she said back, smiling. And he cracked a smile too. “Can I sit with you?” She asked, and he nodded slowly. Jessica dropped her bag at her feet and then pulled her jacket off, then her skirt. She kicked off her shoes and unbuttoned her shirt until she was standing there, in her black underwear and a loose patterned shirt for warmth.

Justin looked up at her, his brow furrowing. “What are you doing?” He asked as she climbed onto the bed.

Jessica shrugged a shoulder. “I can’t let you be weird alone.” She crawled up beside him and brought her knees up to her chest too. She stared at him, watching the way he was transfixed on the wall ahead of them. She went to run her hand along his shoulder, but hesitated. He wasn’t in a good place. “Can I touch you?” She asked him. “Is that okay?” Reluctantly, he nodded and Jessica reached out to touch his shoulder, running her fingers along his arm comfortingly. “I’m sorry about your mom,” she finally said, and she should have said it the moment she walked into the outhouse. Nonetheless, she meant it. Truly.

“Thanks, Jess,” he whispered hoarsely. In the faint light coming through the windows, Jessica could see the tear stains on his face. She didn’t want him to know she knew, so she didn’t do anything. She just leaned her head on his shoulder.

“Can I do anything?” She asked him. “I can listen,” she offered, “I can distract you. I can dance in a grossly sexual way,” that made him gently laugh, “or act out out that porno we discussed.” They both smiled in the darkness. “I can hold you and you can cry. I can take you back to her house… I can do whatever you need me to.”

His head hung, nearly hitting his arms as they held his knees up. “Can you bring my mom back?” He asked her in a whisper. And Jessica’s heart broke.

“No, I can’t,” she whispered back. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” he said, “it was a stupid question.” Jessica leaned over and kissed the top of his shoulder, wanting him to look over at her. He didn’t.

“It was a stupid question,” she agreed, to which he chuckled softly. “But it’s okay. However you feel is okay, Justin. There is no right or wrong way to feel about this.” He nodded, slowly and carefully. She watched him intently. “How _do_ you feel?”

It was silent for a moment until he opened his mouth. “I feel…” His voice broke. “I feel like I’ve failed her.” Jessica nodded her head against his shoulder, listening. “I feel like it’s all my fault.”

“It’s not,” she said. “It’s never your fault.” She watched his head fall as he started to cry again, his eyes squeezed shut as the tears fell down his cheeks. “Hey,” she whispered, touching his cheek. “Talk to me. Tell me what you’re thinking.” He started to rack with sobs beside her, and Jessica ran her fingers through his hair, wanting him to tell her what was going on. And she started to cry too. Not nearly as uncontrollably, she didn’t want him to see her like that. She wanted to be someone he could depend on.

“It just feels like I abandoned her,” he said in a broken voice, between sobs. “She was my mom, and she was sick… She needed me and I let her down.” Amber was the one who let him down, time and time again. But Jessica couldn’t say that. The woman was dead, the way Justin always feared he would end up. His mom was a complicated person, but she was his mom, and she died alone. Her own son had left her for another family. No matter how much better off he was, Jessica understood how guilty that must have made him feel.

“I get it,” she whispered to him. “I do, I get it.”

He let out a breath, staring at his hands. “No, you don’t. You think you do. But you don’t.” His tone with her was harsh, but Jessica didn’t let it get to her. “How am I any different to her? She was my future for so long. How was I any more deserving of survival than she was?” Jessica’s heart came up to her throat.

“You feel guilty?” She asked him. “For having what she couldn’t have?” He nodded his head. It was like survivors guilt, but for drug addiction. Jessica sighed, resting her forehead against his shoulder.

“With her gone, and Bryce gone… It just feels like part of me died too.”

Her brow furrowed. “I don’t understand,” she whispered to him. He was shaking his head, tears cascading down his cheeks in silence.

“Like… I abandoned them both, after they did so much for me. And it’s like I left them to die. And everything is so different now that I feel like… Like I don’t deserve it because,” his voice broke as she could tell he wanted to cry harder, “because they made me who I am.” Jessica’s mind spun trying to understand how Bryce had anything to with this… Her head and her heart hurt.

Getting up on her knees, Jessica put her arms around him so he leaned into her chest. “Babe,” she whispered, “don’t ever believe that. They weren’t good to you. And they were individuals, their own people. They made their decisions.” Well, one did. Bryce never decided to be murdered, did he? “There was nothing you could do to stop them.”

Justin continued crying as she ran her fingers down his arm in assurance. “Bryce died because I was high. And my mom died because I gave her the money for the drugs. Because I gave up on her. It’s all my fault.” Jessica felt tears stream down her cheeks now, she didn’t let them fall, they just did. Because she had no idea how to make him understand when he was in such a fragile state. She was a person, she wasn’t a fucking therapist. So, she did the one thing she saw people do time and time again.

“However you feel is valid,” she whispered. “It’s okay. You’re grieving. It doesn’t mean you’re right. But you have every right to feel however you do. It won’t last forever.” He just nodded his head against her chest. She could feel how wet with tears his cheeks were. They sat there and she just let him cry. He sobbed and sobbed as she held him, running her hands over his shoulders and through his hair. So that there was something to remind him of human contact. And of life and love outside the grief in his mind. This felt like one of the hardest nights of her life. Sitting below those long nights after the tapes, when she had nightmares and she was just a walking zombie of pain and misery. Now she knew it was like for other people seeing her. It was hard, so hard, to watch somebody you loved disintegrate into the pain in their own mind and experience, and not be able to take it from them.

It felt like hours that she sat there with her arms around him as he cried, but it wasn’t long before he ran out of tears to cry. Then he pulled back from her, embarrassed. And she didn’t care. She grabbed the box of tissues from beside the bed and handed them to him, and he smiled, despite everything, because he always smiled. He wiped the tears from his cheeks, then his neck, then from her chest. It was silent between them, until he was the first to speak, slowly and hoarsely.

“We can’t have sex tonight, I’m sorry.” He looked up at her, smiling and she smiled back despite everything.

“Pity,” she joked. “Because you’re so sexy like this.” He chuckled, throwing the tissues over to the bin on the other side of the room, then failing. Miserably.

“Thank you,” he said, trying to lighten the mood. “Nothing gets me going more than tear stains on your–“

“And snot,” Jessica added, raising an eyebrow. He pretended to gag and she giggled. He just stared at her, and it wasn’t a sad stare, or a happy one. It was curious. He looked deep in thought. Like he was wondering how on earth she had stayed through all of that. How she could be so kind to him, after everything. She reached up and ran her thumbs under his eyes, making sure all the tears were gone. He smiled at her, and she smiled back, running her hands down his face. He looked miserable and happy all at once.

“Thank you,” he whispered, and she just smiled.

“Do you think there will be a funeral? I’ll be there, if you do.”

He shook his head. “You know I hate funerals,” he said softly.

“Yeah, I know,” she whispered back. “Too many, all too early in life.” He just nodded. “But, I think it’d be really important for you to work through some of your grief in a traditional way.” He made a face at her, confused by the comment. “I mean, you should you say goodbye to her somehow. Or don’t… We still have my grandfathers ashes sitting in an urn on the fireplace.” She shrugged a shoulder. “It’s like, you feel like you abandoned her, but she’s right there. She’s not just a memory you might move on from. She’s one that you honour. It might help.”

He was nodding. “I like that,” he whispered.

“Yeah?” He nodded again, more insistent on it.

“I mean, a funeral is just there to make people feel bad for her. But, at least, like that, she’s not alone, or forgotten by the one person who should never forget her.”

Jessica was nodding, “yeah, exactly.” It went silent between them again, and she just stared at him. Waiting to see what he would do next. Grief came in stages, and it came with highs and lows. This felt like the first break from a series of lows. “When did you find out?” She asked him into the silence. “How did you find out?”

“Deputy Standall told me. At school. Before my interview.”

Jessica frowned. “Why didn’t you tell me? You could have rescheduled it.”

He shrugged. “You were already freaked out about your interview and I didn’t wanna make it worse.”

“I think you would have made it better. That interview was all I could think about today… I would have liked to be more concerned with you.”

That actually made him smile. “Sorry,” he said, gently.

Jessica rolled her eyes. “Oh, shut up,” she whispered. She leaned in and quickly kissed him, to which he kissed her back.

“Will you stay with me?” He asked her in a whisper, and she nodded.

“Of course.” Then he kissed her again, and again. It grew from a kiss of comfort into something more. Into something rather sensual. He kissed her cheek, then her neck and Jessica began to get confused. He reached over to the drawers, and she knew exactly what that meant. “I thought we weren’t…”

He shook his head. “I want to,” he told her. “Please?” So she let him, and she thought she was indulging his grief, or his love. Or something… She didn’t know. But she slept there, and with him. And the next morning it was like nothing happened. But Jessica remembered. She always remembered. And no amount of Justin ignoring his grief could ever make Jessica ignore it. Nor, ignore her own issues. Of which she was about to be troubled by even more so.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the ending goes somewhere next chapter. it's not just like sex for the sake of it i swear....... <3 hope everybody is still enjoying the fic, it's almost finished and i probs won't do ep 10 cause i haven't watched it.


	8. Acceptance/Rejection

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning for sexual content in the very beginning..... dunno why but using sex and drinking as an escape feels very much like a relevant relapse for justin to undertake. heroin feels too raw since he's been in a pretty good place up until now, it feels unrealistic. but there are other forms of unhealthy coping mechanisms one may fall into that instead of giving the same high as heroin, rather it makes him angrier and more repressed.

“Don’t you think it’s pretty?” She asked, her knees folded either side of his hips as he lay underneath her on the bed. Jessica gabbed his hands off her waist and placed them over her bra, waiting for his response.

“Yes,” Justin said, smiling, “but I still think you should take it off.” She smirked, biting her bottom lip as their eyes stayed on each other. His hands crept around to her back, and he sat up slightly to reach.

“God,” she whispered, leaning in to him. “You’ve been so impatient this week.” The ends of his smile turned up even more, and she kissed him, holding his face in her hands. He unclipped her bra, and then ran his hands down her bare back. Jessica smiled, moaning as he kissed her harder and harder. His hands went down and as she was distracted they slipped inside her underwear until she smirked against his lips. “You realise my dad could be home any minute,” she whispered, letting him kiss the sides of her lips as she spoke.

“Then let’s hurry it up,” he whispered back, rather impatient once again. Justin had been like this since Tuesday. Desperate, for lack of a better word, for sex. In the last six days Jessica was sure they’d hooked up more than they had in the last five months. It was every morning, every correlating study period, every afternoon, every night. Jessica thought maybe he was lonely. But every day he proved her wrong. He spoke to more people than she had seen in a long time, he was on better terms with Clay, Charlie, even Zach. But with Jessica, it only felt like sex. Something was off. But she couldn’t complain on that level because it was satisfying. It’s not like after months of keeping it romantically platonic she had any disappointment. No, never. But he barely talked to her if it wasn’t about the sex they were currently having, or the sex they would be having later. Jessica had been in control of when and where they had sex for so long that it suddenly felt strange to not to be the one in control. Exhilarating, sure. But, still, strange.

Jessica smirked, reaching into his pockets as she searched for condoms. That was where he usually kept them for her easy access when they were in situations such as this. She searched and searched, her lips still aggressively connected to his. She stifled moans as he touched her, trying to focus on finding protection, otherwise she was the only one getting any tonight, and that kind of made her feel guilty.

“You’re out,” she whispered, and he groaned in annoyance.

“I think there are some in my bag,” he said back, pressing one last kiss to her neck before collapsing back onto the bed underneath her.

“I’ll get them,” she told him, smirking. Justin watched her get up, his hand running along her thigh as she moved away from him. She slipped her bra off of her shoulders and threw it over the side of the bed. They watched each other, unable to tear their eyes away. She dug through his bag sitting beside her desk, and searched for the packet of condoms, which he supposedly had. Instead she pulled out a plastic water bottle from inside, and twisted the lid off. She had been thirsty all day. “How long have you had this?” She asked, putting the bottle up to her lips. Did she really care how old the water bottle was? It was just water. But in an instant Justin sat up and went wide eyed.

“Jess, don’t,” he said in a hurry, climbing off the bed. But it was too late, as soon as she put the bottle to her lips, she coughed and pulled it away.

“Oh my fucking God,” she said, her eyes widening in shock. “What the fuck?” She stared up at Justin who was standing in front of her looking paralysed with shock. “Is this fucking vodka?” She accused.

“No,” he lied in a voice that was barely a whisper.

“That’s vodka,” she insisted. “Why the hell do you have vodka disguised as water?”

He shook his head. “It’s nothing. It’s fine.” He reached down to take it out of her hands but she stood up in an instant and pulled it back from him.

“Tell me why you have it. You hate vodka.”

He shrugged. “Isn’t the answer pretty obvious?” He asked her. Then his expression softened. “I’m sorry.”

Jessica rolled her eyes. “Don’t give me that fucking look,” she said, backing up against her desk and holding the plastic bottle away. “What the hell is going on with you? You haven’t been yourself.”

He made a face, “I’ve been fine. What are you talking about?”

Jessica glared at him, her eyes glancing around in annoyance. “Bullshit,” she snapped. “Your mom died last week, Justin. Do you even remember that? On Monday, and it’s fucking Sunday night. And you won’t even talk about it. It’s like nothing even happened.”

She watched as his annoyance rose. His gaze turning into a glare. “Because nothing did happen. She’s dead. And she never gave a shit before so no fucking change there, huh?” 

Jessica raised an eyebrow. “No change?” She lifted up the bottle again. “So what the fuck is this?”

“It’s nothing,” he snapped, snatching the bottle from her hands with effort. He grabbed the strap of his bag and shoved the bottle inside. “I’m fucking leaving.”

As Jessica’s eyes rolled again, her head fell to the side. “Wait,” she complained. He stopped, as requested, and Jessica reached out to grab his arm. “Don’t leave.” His back was to her, his shirt somewhere on the floor of her bedroom, so Jessica pressed herself against him from behind, her arms snaking around his shoulders. She stretched up and whispered to him, seductively. “How could you leave me when I look like this?” She figured he’d be more susceptible to a conversation after sex. And maybe he would trust her more as well. It was worth a try.

“Jess,” he whispered, hesitant to give in. She pressed her lips to his shoulder and sunk her teeth in, sucking his skin between them until she knew it would darken. His hands came up to hold hers and finally she ran her tongue over the bite mark she made on his shoulder.

“Come on,” she whispered, “I know you wanna stay.” She ran her hands around to grip his throat. Her thumb carefully grazed his jaw and he stretched over to kiss her arm gently. She let go of him and slid her hands down to grab his wrist. She twisted him around to face her again, and he dropped the bag at his feet. Getting up on her toes, she kissed his lips, pushing herself against him. He put one arm around her waist, his hand sitting over the curve of her back, fingers pressing deep into her skin. As he kissed her harder, his other hand slipped into her underwear between them and she smirked against his lips. Jessica hooked her arms around his neck, holding herself up as she bit his bottom lip through the kiss. Her eyes were closed as she focused on kissing him, and the feeling of his fingers between her legs. When he touched her somewhere sensitive, a wave of sensation came over her and she moaned against his lips, to which he smiled. It was so good she almost forgot why this was happening. The vodka. She couldn’t let herself forget that. But then the front door slammed.

“Jessica, I’m home.” Her eyes went wide and she pushed herself away from Justin, his hands coming to drop beside him instead.

“Shit,” he whispered. “What do I do?” He glanced around the room before seeing the open window. “I’ll go out there,” he offered and Jessica’s face screwed up.

“No you fucking won’t,” she argued in a whisper. She pointed her finger between his eyes and scowled. “Not until you tell me why you have vodka.” His eyes rolled dramatically back into his head.

“So that’s all this was? You just wanted me to fuck you so you could interrogate me afterwards?”

Jessica smirked, “babe, you fingered me on your own. I didn’t make you do that.” He made a face at her and brought his fingers up and stuck them in his mouth. Jessica’s jaw dropped and she glared. “Fucking stop,” she whispered, grabbing his wrist and pulling them out, “you know what that does to me.” He just smirked in response. She reached down and grabbed the plastic bottle out of his bag and held it up. “Tell me,” she insisted.

“No,” he said harshly. “I won’t.”

Jessica gritted her teeth, “tell me.” He reached for the bottle and she pulled it back from him. “Now, Justin, tell me!”

His expression became desperate as his lips parted, “why do you care?” He asked her.

“Because,” she whispered, and it felt like she was screaming, “I’m worried about you.”

He shrugged. “Then don’t be.” He picked up his bag from the floor and Jessica’s face screwed up, realising he was going to drop the whole argument when she couldn’t let him play it off nonchalant.

“If you walk out that door,” she said slowly, glaring at him, “then you can forget about ever coming back here.” Their eyes met. “I’ll keep my legs fucking closed.”

Justin scoffed, “you’ll have a pretty hard time doing that,” he said mockingly and Jessica scowled.

“Fuck you,” she snapped.

He cocked his head at her, “I thought we weren’t doing that any more?” When she was caught off guard he grabbed the bottle out of her hands, the lid was already off, and drank some. Jessica’s eyes went wide as she snatched it back.

“What the fuck?” He made a face at her, as if to ask why she would grab it back. Her eyes glared as she held the bottle up and drunk a shots worth out, her face screwing up as she tried to swallow it.

“Jess! What the fuck?” There were footsteps outside the door, no doubt her dad had heard them arguing. Jessica turned around and put the plastic bottle on her desk and grabbed her shirt from the floor at her feet. When Justin took a step closer to take the bottle back she kicked her leg out like a barrier and stopped him from coming any closer. She threw the loose grey shirt over her head and pulled it down as far as it could go. Then in an instant she grabbed the bottle again and whacked Justin’s hand away from her personal space.

“You’re not getting it back until you tell me,” she said.

He glared, “you’re controlling,” he told her as there was a harsh knock on her closed bedroom door. “You can come inside, sir.” Jessica cocked her head at him in annoyance.

“No, Dad, don’t.” But it was too late, and he opened the door while she was panicking. Justin grabbed the plastic bottle from her hands and Jessica was too stunned to fight back. “Hey,” she said awkwardly, her father’s eyebrows were up high on his face.

“Jessica,” he acknowledged, “what is happening here?” He glanced around the room and Justin only smiled at him, as if everything was completely innocent.

“Nothing,” Jessica lied, her eyes widening as she feared what was about to happen. Justin turned around while they were in conversation and picked up his shirt from the floor, he made faces at her as she tried to come up with an excuse to give her dad as to why she was standing here practically naked at 10pm on a Sunday night, and Justin was in her bedroom, clothes scattered all over the floor. There was nothing she could come up with. “I’m 18,” she said. “I can make my own decisions.” Then she shut her eyes in annoyance. Why was that what came out?

Greg didn’t look happy to hear her words, but he didn’t look angry. “Jessica,” he said in a slow voice. “I know about you two…” Her gaze came up to stare, she looked across to Justin who was just as confused.

“What?” Jessica asked him in confusion. “How? How long?”

Greg shrugged. “Months,” he answered casually. “He fell off the roof one morning when I called you down for breakfast. Ever since then I kind of guessed.”

“And you’re not mad?” She asked him. Her Dad glanced over to Justin who was pulling his shirt back on again, then back at Jessica in disappointment.

“I’m not mad. I’m not happy. But I’m not angry. Just disappointed.” Jessica inwardly groaned, wanting to roll her eyes.

“Great, Dad,” she said sarcastically.

Then he turned to Justin, making sure he noticed. “And if you do anything to hurt her this time,” he pointed his finger between Justin’s eyes, “I will find you and I will kill you.”

Trying not to laugh, Justin nodded. “I understand, sir.” With his head bowed, he glanced over at Jessica on the opposite side of the room, stifling laughter. Which only confirmed that he had been drinking before he showed up at her house. Probably all week now, she thought. That was why he avoided her. To avoid this situation. “It’s just hard to take you seriously when you’re quoting Taken.”

Greg rolled his eyes and looked back at Jessica, unimpressed. “I hope you’ve stayed focused on your school work,” he said, and Jessica knew he was about to start lecturing her. But she was saved momentarily by Justin grabbing his bag off the floor, as he clicked his tongue.

“You probably wanna talk to Jess alone, so I can just… I can just go, if that’s okay with you.” Greg’s expression hardened critically and he nodded, letting Justin walk past but Jessica reached out to stop.

“No,” she argued. “We need to talk.”

Justin made a face, “no we don’t.” He walked out the door and Jessica followed him. She reached for his arm but then he walked faster to the staircase.

“Justin! Come fucking back here,” she snapped as he went down the stairs, and she followed. Greg stood in the doorway, staring in confusion. “You’re just gonna leave me?”

He made it to the bottom of the stairwell, shrugging. “Yup,” he tilted his head as he looked back to her, frozen on the staircase in annoyance.

“I’ll see you tomorrow,” she said, “and then we’re gonna talk.”

He took the vodka out of his bag and drank it again, smirking at her. “Are we, though?” Jessica’s face screwed up. He was so different to how he had been in the last year. This was the same sarcastic, bitter and repressed Justin she’d had to deal with during the tapes. The one who was grieving again, the one who drank and refused to talk about it. And Jessica didn’t know what she could do. He walked out her front door into the darkness and slammed it shut behind him as Jessica sunk to her knees on the staircase.

“Fuck,” she whispered to herself. There were footsteps coming down the stairs beside her, then her dad stopped a few steps below her, looking down at her sunken in despair.

“What’s wrong with him?” He asked, cautious but annoyed.

Reluctantly, Jessica glanced up at him. “His mom died. She overdosed. And now he’s drinking again…” She huffed a sigh and pulled herself to her feet.

“You don’t want to follow him? Make sure he’s okay?”

She shook her head, turning back up the stairs. “He forgot his jacket. He’ll be back soon.”

* * *

“Why did you even like Monty?” Jessica asked, looking over at Diego as they walked through the Liberty schoolyard.

Diego chuckled, his smirk widening. “Don’t you have class, Davis?”

Jessica turned her eye roll to him with a tilt of her head. “Study period,” she told him. “I’ve usually got homework but I did it all in Spanish class.” Actually, she usually spent this exact study period with Justin. But he wasn’t talking to her, and he wasn’t answering her texts and she hadn’t even seen him at school despite much asking around.

One side of Diego’s lips turned up, “you take Spanish, how did I not know?” He leaned in close to her ear and whispered something in the language, exactly what, Jessica couldn’t tell. But it sounded sexual. It included the words ‘mierda’ which meant fuck and ‘hermosa’ which meant beautiful woman. Jessica’s stomach lurched.

“I don’t like you being that close to me, Diego,” she shunned him with her shoulder and moved away slightly. They had been having a normal conversation. They always had normal conversations. And he always tried to turn it into something more.

“You came up to me,” he insisted. “What are we?”

Jessica shrugged. “We’re friends,” she said sweetly. “Don’t you wanna be my friend?” She stared up at him with her eyes innocently wide. He nodded, reluctantly. He wanted to get in her pants, and she wasn’t interested in that. “Answer my question,” she requested confidently, tucking her hair behind her ear again as they walked.

“He was nice to me. He was nice to everyone.” Jessica snorted a laugh. Boys were so fucking clueless. “Seriously,” Diego insisted. “He was my best friend. He got me playing football. He stayed by my side. Always. He was a good person.”

Jessica rolled her eyes. “Are you fucking kidding me, Diego? He was a rapist. He was a bully even before he was a rapist.”

Diego shrugged, “I know,” he said. “But people have two sides. They’re not all evil.”

Her face screwed up. “Do you even hear yourself? Like, I’d fucking get it if he raised you, but even then you shouldn’t be making excuses.” She singled in on him, squinting. “What are you so scared of? What do you think will happen if you say just once that he wasn’t a good person?”

Diego didn’t stand down, he just smiled. “I’m not scared of anything. People are more than one thing. We aren’t all be perfect like you.”

Jessica snorted. “Not being a rapist doesn’t make someone perfect. Tell me the truth, stop trying to argue with me. I know you just think I’m hot when I get mad.” He had told her that ages ago, it annoyed her. What kind of toxic relationship was one where someone argued just to feel something? She didn’t like that.

“I do,” Diego agreed, smiling. “But I don’t know… If I admit he’s bad, doesn’t that make me bad? Doesn’t that make all my friends bad? And we’re not. We’re good people.”

Jessica chuckled. “Nuance exists. People are two sided, you’re right. There is a difference between laughing at someone being bullied, and being a fucking rapist. Both are shitty. One is by far shittier than the other.”

Diego’s head fell. “He loved Bryce, like a brother. We all did at one point. I don’t think it’s fair that someone framed him for murder and he’s not even alive to defend himself.”

Jessica felt her heart rise up to her throat, pounding as she considered what to say. “Did you know he was gay?” She asked him quietly.

“No, I didn’t.”

Jessica nodded. “Did you know he was a rapist, before he was arrested?”

Diego shook his head. “No.”

“And if you had no proof of these things, would you believe them?” Jesus, she thought, was this really how she was going to clear Alex’s name?

“No way,” Diego said in finality. He understood her implication.

“People are surprising,” she said. “They said that… That Monty did it because Bryce threatened to report him for rape. It makes some sense, when you think about it.”

Diego’s head hung. “Where were you Homecoming night?”

Jessica scoffed, “it’s been so long since someone asked me that.” She rolled her eyes. “I was at home. In my bed. Grounded, after what happened on the field.”

Diego nodded, “right,” he said, casually. His shoulders went up, then down, nonchalant. “Jess, are you okay? You seem weird today? Lonely.”

Her lips parted, and she glanced over at him beside her. “I guess I am… Lonely. And stressed.”

Diego reached out to hold her hand, and despite everything, she let him. “Tell me about it,” he said gently. Jessica glanced around the empty green school grounds as he pulled her over to the bench beside the path. They both sat down, Jessica rather hesitantly but Diego yanked on her arm until she did.

“I guess,” she said, “college just has me really freaked out. I don’t know. I didn’t think I’d be this scared.”

“But you’re never scared,” Diego said. “You’re like… a badass. You’re so smart.”

Jessica chuckled, shaking her head. “I get scared. I just find ways around it. I don’t cope with it. I fucking fix it.”

“See,” he muttered, “a badass. That’s awesome.”

She smiled, “thanks,” she said, lifting one knee up to her chest on the bench. She hooked her arms around it and sat there, resting her chin on her knee. “Do you ever get lonely, even though there are so many people around you?” She glanced beside her, to see his reaction.

“I do,” he admitted.

“I just feel really alone this week, that’s why we’ve been hanging out so much.” She tried to smile. “You’re nice to me. You like talking to me. Other people… They don’t, anymore.” She shrugged her shoulders in exasperation. “Do you ever have those people in your life that know everything about you? Or they try to, at least.” Diego nodded. “I had two,” Jessica told him quietly. “And neither of them are talking to me this week. I don’t know what I did, but, I also don’t know how to fix it.”

“Who?” Diego asked.

Jessica only shook her head. “It doesn’t matter who. I’m just alone.” He reached out to hold her hand, and she let him, too caught up in her thoughts to stop him. Ani had left her after an argument about Bryce, about how Ani was a bad friend for sleeping with her rapist. She felt wrong staying in Jessica’s house any longer. Now they weren’t speaking. But Ani was only half the problem. She could have coped with that if Justin were around. But he wasn’t. He ignored her and went about his life. Not one day this week did he ask her how she was. He didn’t even care that Ani had moved out, he just took it as an excuse to come over more often. He was slowly losing her, and she was losing him. Every time she tried to talk to him, he brushed it off. He wasn't the person she loved, he was completely unrecognisable. And now she knew he was drinking. Of course he was doing that in secret. She freaked out as soon as she realised. No wonder he was hanging around Zach. That had to be where he got it, and Zach would have loved somebody to get wasted and skip class with. And on top of all of that was her college letters. Of which she was rejected. She felt like a failure. She felt miserable. Diego leaned over to her while she was thinking about what she could do to fix things, and he kissed her. It took her a moment to register it. He felt strange. He tasted strange. It was wrong. She pushed him away and leaned back.

“No,” she said, shaking her head. “I don’t have feelings like that for you.” With all the things she was thinking about right now, Diego seemed like the least of her problems.

“What?” He asked, his expression scrutinising. “But I thought we were…”

Jessica shook her head, more insistent this time. “No,” she told him, getting up from the bench to leave. “I’ll see you some other time.”

* * *

“Excuse me,” Jessica tapped on the door, looking inside. “Coach Kerba, can I talk to you?”

From his chair by his computer, the coach looked up, surprised. “Well, it’s Jessica Davis,” he acknowledged. “Come in.”

Jessica smiled politely, “You know me?” She asked.

Coach Kerba pulled out a chair for her and nodded. “Of course. I know the Student Body President, the one who riles up my footballers all crazy and shit… And Justin talks about you all the time.”

She tried to hide her smile at that. “Really?” He nodded to confirm.

“What can I do for you, Jess?” He folded his hands in his lap and leaned back in the chair, his attention fully on her.

“Um,” she glanced around the office, nervous. “It’s about Justin, actually. He’d hate me for telling you but his mom died last week. Of an overdose.” That made the coach physically grimace. He truly understood the weight of that. “And, he was just… Miserable, when it happened. But, now, he’s started drinking which I know isn’t healthy for a recovering addict, and he won’t talk to me about it.”

Coach Kerba nodded, considering. “Does he usually talk to you about stuff?”

She nodded. “Always,” she insisted. “I know him better than anyone. That’s why I know he’s struggling.”

The Coach’s brow furrowed in concern. “What does Clay Jensen think? Have you asked him?”

Jessica nodded. “He says Justin seems fine. But Clay doesn’t know his mom died. Justin didn’t wanna tell him. I’m the only one who knows. As well as the Jensen’s.” She huffed a sigh. “He trusts you. He really _really_ looks up to you, as a Coach, and as a recovered addict. I think, if anybody can help him, or at least try… It’s you.” She wet her lips nervously. “Please,” she said gently. “I don’t know how to help him.”

* * *

“I don’t wanna talk to you,” Justin tried to slam the door to the outhouse shut on her but she held it open.

“Well, I do.” She took a step inside following him as he skulked back to the counters by the fridge. She let the door shut by itself, and wandered in until they were standing on opposite sides of the counter.

“Jess, what the fuck do you want?”

She frowned, not rising to the bait of an argument like he wanted. “I want you to talk to me. I want you to be okay.”

“I am okay,” he told her. “I don’t wanna talk to you.” She stepped around the corner of the counter and came to stand with him instead. He didn’t step away this time. He let her come to him. Jessica reached out to hold his hand, running her fingers along his arm.

“Listen,” she said bluntly, looking into his eyes. “If you’re gonna be a dick about it, then so am I.” He stared, waiting for her to say it. “I don’t like the way you’ve treated me this week. I don’t like the way you’re talking to me. I don’t like the way you make me feel like a fucking object.” She scowled. “I love you, and I know this isn’t you. I know you’re fucked up. But that’s not a fucking excuse.”

He stared down at his feet. “What did I do?” He asked in a whisper.

Jessica tilted her head to the side. “I had three panic attacks this week. But you didn’t know that, did you?” She folded her arms over her chest, stepping closer until he backed into the corner of the kitchen counters.

Justin shrugged, nonchalantly. “You didn’t tell me.”

Jessica tilted her head and glared. “You never even asked me how I was. Not a single day this week have I heard ‘hey babe, are you okay? Do you wanna talk’… Not once.”

He scoffed. “So? Maybe I’ve been busy. I can’t spend all my time with you now that people actually find me fun again.”

She smirked, her glare darkening. “So you have enough time to stop by my bedroom to fuck in the middle of the night. But you can’t even ask me a simple fucking question out of courtesy? Your own fucking girlfriend.”

He snorted a laugh. “Girlfriend? Is that what you are? Cause it sure seems to me like you’re Diego’s.”

She scowled. “Like I’m property? To own?” She stepped closer again but he didn’t back down.

“He sure treats you like that. And you seem to fucking love it.” He smirked. “The way he fucking talks about you. You don’t hear it but I fucking do. You talk to him more than you talk to me.”

Jessica’s expression screwed up. “Well, why do you think he wants to talk to me? Why the fuck do you think I spend time with him.”

Justin shrugged. “He likes you because you’re beautiful, and you’re perfect. And you like him because he thinks he’s the closest thing to match that."

“No,” she said weakly, “it’s because I’m lonely.” She felt the need to cry, because he was so oblivious to her and it wasn’t on purpose. He was drunk, and he was depressed. This wasn’t her doing, but she wanted to help him and she had no idea how. “My own boyfriend hasn’t given a shit about me all week. He hasn’t given a shit about himself either.” She rolled her eyes at his nonchalant expression. “Justin, I needed you and you were fucking nowhere. But every time you needed me I was there. Sounds pretty shitty to me.”

He sighed, shamefully, staring down again, noticing the plastic bottle beside him on the bench. “It doesn’t look like you need me. You seemed pretty fucking happy with Diego today…”

She rolled her eyes. “Yeah, because he actually wants to talk to me.” Justin rolled his eyes and reached for the plastic bottle, Jessica didn’t make a move to stop him, she didn’t care. “He sees me as more than a fucking object. He listens when I talk.” Unlike Justin, who was unscrewing the lid off the plastic bottle. “He thinks I’m the fucking best.” Still he ignored her, drinking another shots worth of vodka. “And he eats me out really fucking good.” Only that was the turning point where he put down the bottle, glaring.

“You fucked him?”

She smirked. “So now you listen? When it involves sex.”

His response came slowly and full of pain. “Did you fuck him?”

She snorted a laugh. “No, you really think I’m that low? For fuck sake.” He went back to drinking the vodka, happy to hear that response which only hurt Jessica more. “But maybe I fucking should. If that’s what it takes for you to have an actual conversation with me.”

He smirked, “you weren’t complaining last week, and last I remember it wasn’t Diego’s name you were screaming.”

She glared. “You’re an asshole.”

He just laughed, drunkenly. “Go fuck Diego then, I’m sure he’d love it. Or is he too vanilla for you?” Jessica rolled her eyes.

“Fuck you,” she hissed. They glared at each other and she snatched the bottle from his hands. He reached for it back but she stepped around him and poured the entire thing down the drain. “You’re not okay,” she said harshly. “And that’s fine if you wanna pretend you are. But I won’t.” She emptied the entire bottle as he stood and watched, then she threw it behind her into the middle of the outhouse. Jessica ran her tongue over her teeth in anger, glaring at his stunned expression. “When you wanna talk we can talk. But not until you get your shit together. Until you stop acting like an asshole, like the person you so badly wanted to escape… Then we can fucking talk.” She turned on her heel and walked out of the outhouse and into the dark, slamming the door shut behind her. Everything was a mess.

* * *

Jessica’s phone buzzed from beside her, she glanced down, away from her laptop and checked the message. It was Diego.

**Can’t believe you started a riot for me today. That’s hot.**

She picked up her phone, about to type back telling him to keep it in his pants but there was a knock on the window. She glanced up, checking to see who it was out in the darkness. It wasn’t like she needed to check. It was Justin. Who else? Even after she fought with him last night in the outhouse and ignored him at school, he was back. She stood up, her chair pushing out behind her and she took a few steps to the window. There he was, crouched at the window sill, jacket-less simply as an excuse to come and see her, but the expression on his face was one Jessica couldn’t say no to. She pushed the window open and held a finger up to her lips. The light of her lamp shone onto his face as he stared up at her.

“Can I come in?” He whispered gently. Jessica chewed on her bottom lip, but eventually she took a step back so he could climb through.

“Why are you here?” She asked him bluntly.

When she turned around he was standing on the floorboards, his head hung in shame. “To apologise,” he said. “I’ve been the shittiest fucking boyfriend this week. And I hate myself for it.”

She cocked her head, staring at him. “What changed?”

His head slightly shook, and his shoulders shrugged. He was ashamed. He made himself small. “Everything,” he told her softly. With a sigh, Jessica wandered over to sit on the edge of her bed, staring up at Justin as he tried to find the words to apologise. “I guess I owe you an explanation,” he said.

Jessica shook her head. “You don’t owe anyone anything. I think you _want_ to give me an explanation.” That made him smile slightly, he had always loved her blunt honesty. Her lack of shame in anything, she said what she thought and if it turned out wrong – fuck it.

“I guess,” he said casually, trying not to smile at her. But she kind of wanted him to. She hadn’t made him smile like that all week, and now it was a relief to see. “I just freaked out,” he told her honestly. “I didn’t understand why I was so sad about it because she was never around. She never cared. My life was perfectly fine without her. Her death made no change. And it freaked me out because I didn’t know why I was sad beyond my own stupid fucking guilt for not helping her. But Coach Kerba explained to me that someone you’ve known your whole life can die like that, and no matter how little you see them, there is always this…” He screwed up his face, searching for the right word, “knowing, and comfort, that they’re alive. Somewhere. And now that she’s dead I don’t have that. I don’t have that comfort. She’s never coming back.”

“What else?” Jessica whispered. Of course she sensed that there was more.

“I felt selfish for thinking like that,” he said. “I don’t know I just… I hated myself for thinking like that. And I didn’t wanna tell you because I thought you’d be mad. You’d think I was a shitty person.” Then he laughed, ironically. “Even though you do, now. Because I thought if I pushed you away then you’d break up with me, and then I’d have a proper reason to be sad.” He screwed up his face in pure confusion. “Fuck, I don’t know.” He ran his hands over his face and tried to form a coherent thought that Jessica might understand. “I was drunk, and sad. And I fucked up.”

Jessica nodded, letting the silence sit between them for a moment. “You did fuck up,” she said gently. “And I know that you were sad, and drunk. I’m not oblivious.” She sighed, looking around her bedroom as it was barely lit by her desk light. “Are you gonna apologise for calling me a slut?”

His head came up, panicking. “I never called you a… If I did I don’t remember. And I never meant it. I’m sorry.”

Her lips turned down. “You were so angry. You took it out on me when I did nothing but try and help you.”

He shut his eyes, his head falling. “I know,” he whispered. “I’m sorry Jess. I have no good excuses.”

Jessica shrugged. “There is no such thing as good excuses. Just bad excuses, and reasons.” She waited for him to look over again. “And I understand your reasons. I get it.” He stared at her, his eyes wide and innocent like a puppy which only made her annoyed right now. Jessica groaned. “I forgive you,” she gave in. “But never do it again, or I swear to fucking God, I’ll tell more than Coach Kerba. I’ll tell the Jensen’s.” He ignored her bland threat, and just smiled, happy to have been forgiven.

“I love you,” he told her, “and I’m sorry.”

Jessica rolled her eyes, standing up and coming to his side. “Stop apologising and make it up to me.” He leaned in to kiss her and she stopped him, smirking. “I meant, like, buy me something, or take me on a date. Bake me an erotic cake. Jesus.”

He laughed. “Aren’t you grounded?” He asked, and Jessica rolled her eyes.

“He’s never home to check,” she whispered. “And it’s the phones that track us.”

He sighed, leaning in close to her lips. “I’ll take you on a date then. We can do something fun.” He smirked. “We can start a riot because you’re so fucking good at that. Such a fucking badass.”

Jessica giggled, smiling. “I know, right? Fuck Liberty.” She bit her bottom lip as he kissed her gently. “Wait,” she whispered, “did you really get into a fight with Diego over me today?”

“Kinda,” he said awkwardly, pulling back. “It was a lot of things, but mostly… You were the underlying cause.”

“Why?” She asked him softly.

“He knows,” Justin said in a whisper. “He knows you were involved.”

Jessica’s lips pressed together in annoyance. “Fuck,” she said, her eyes getting teary as she begun to panic. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.”

“Hey,” he whispered, reaching up to hold her face in his hands. “I’ll deal with it. I’ll fix it.” Her wide eyes stared up at him. Jessica was out of options.

“Okay,” she decided. “Okay, fine.” He leaned in and kissed her lips gently, and when he pulled back, her expression was serious. “If you fuck it up, you’re dead to me.”

He nodded. “Deal.” He stared at her, smiling as he ran his fingers over her cheeks. But then his smile fell, in seriousness. “Why did you have a panic attack?” He asked her gently. “You said you had three, that’s been on my mind since you said it. You freaked me out, Jess.”

She sighed, reaching up to him as well. “I didn’t get in,” she whispered. “To my top three. They all rejected me.”

His expression changed, becoming solemn. “Jess,” he whispered, his eyes looking so heartbroken for her. Then he changed again. “Fuck them,” he told her. “Their fucking loss, right?”

She shrugged, halfheartedly, appreciating his attempt to make her feel better. “I guess I just…” He watched her in concern, as she felt her heart rise into a lump in her throat. “I promised myself I wouldn’t cry,” she said, smiling through the tears in her eyes. “I don’t do that anymore.”

Justin reached out and put his arms around her until she gave in. “You can cry,” he told her gently. “You can cry as much as you want.” She buried her face into his shoulder and let her tears run.

“I just want it to be better,” she sobbed. “I want it over.”

“What do you want over?” He asked her, holding her tighter.

“Bryce,” she sobbed. “I flunked my SAT’s because of him. Both times. It’s like he haunts me, Justin. And he used to do it while he was alive… But he’s dead now and he’s still there. He’s still in control. And it could ruin my life.”

Running his hand over her hair, his eyes clouded with tears too. “Jess, I’m sorry. I wish I could do something to fix it. I swear that I’ll try.”

Jessica could feel her tears soaking into his shirt as she cried. “I don’t know what there is to do,” she whispered. “And I’m afraid to tell my dad. I don’t know what he’s gonna say.”

“Tell him the truth,” Justin said. “He’s gonna understand.”

Jessica shook her head. “He can’t know. He’s so excited for me to get into somewhere rich and fucking prestigious. He thinks I’m all better. I want him to think I’m all better so that he doesn’t worry.”

“Jess,” he said softly. “Being better doesn’t mean you don’t have falls. It means you’re working on it. Sometimes we experience setbacks, but that doesn’t invalidate your progress before that. It’s the way recovery works. It sucks but it’s for life.”

Jessica laughed, despite everything. “You sound like a therapist,” she muttered.

“Good,” he told her. “I think I’d be a really good one.”

She giggled. “No,” she said. “You’d break confidentiality way too easily by telling me everything.”

He nodded. “Yeah, that’s true. I hate keeping secrets from you.” Jessica sighed, her tears giving way and finally she felt like she could breath. All she had needed was to say it out loud. To be told it would all be okay.

“I kind of want cake now,” she admitted, wiping her eyes as she pulled back from him.

“I’ll get you cake,” he said. “I’ll go and get it right now. Chocolate?”

She smiled. “Fuck that. Do you wanna sneak out with me?” She asked. And he nodded, eagerly. If not tonight, after fighting for essentially a week and causing a school wide walk out, when were they going to sneak out, buy cake and probably have sex in an abandoned playground at midnight? They deserved some fucking happiness. Who knew where the night would end up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ok so i finally worked out chapter 10 😏😏😏😏😏 anyway this chapter was dramatic but i needed something coherent with his relapse storyline so it wasn't (as the show tried to make out *eye roll*) all jessica's fault he relapsed.


	9. Prom

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i got hit with the depression bus this week, thus the chapter took me a million years BUT..... everything from here on is happy fucking days. i've been so sad thinking about how dirty the writers did them and so, fuck that, i'm gonna give them the cheesiest most hopeful ending i can. and then i'm gonna accept it as canon for the rest of my lifeeeeee. so this chapter is soft. also my favourite bit is two exact moments where i rip the fourth season a new asshole because....... *gasp* me writing the mere concept of jessica grieving justin's death better than the show did when he actually died???!!! and *gasp* jessica noticing even the smallest fucking mark on her boyfriends body and being concerned????? OH MY GOD? wow she broke 13 reasons why. seriously fuck that whole show.

“We haven’t talked in a while,” Diego said, running his finger along the dusty bench in the HO room. He picked it up and checked for dirt but it was clean.

Jessica raised an eyebrow. “Should we have?” She asked, wiping down the bench after a week of it being unused, then ransacked.

“Well,” he drawled, staring at her intently. “We were talking a lot before the riot. I mean… You started that whole thing for me.”

Jessica looked down at her hands and bit back a sarcastic comment. She glanced up at him, trying not to glare. “I’m sorry about what happened,” she said to him. “Between you, and Justin, and the stupid fucking officer. It was awful.” He looked happy to hear her express sympathy, but he wasn’t going to continue being that happy with what she was about to say. “But we’re not a thing, Diego. We’re friends, sure. But nothing more than that. I’ve never owed you my attention.”

He pressed his lips together. “So you were just leading me on?”

Jessica shook her head, nearly laughing at the stupidity of the comment. “I made it very clear last time we spoke that I have no romantic interest in you.” She licked her lips and shrugged, throwing the cloth beside her. “It’s not my job to make you feel like a man, or like a leader. You were never going to wear me down, and use me to boost your reputation or whatever.”

He made a face, “who said that was my intention with you? I like you, Jess. I always have. And I know you like me too.”

She shrugged her shoulders. “As a friend. You’re a good friend. But in the beginning, admit it, you were only interested in me because you thought it’d make you cool, and popular.” She raised an eyebrow and Diego shook his head in disbelief.

“So, you’re friend zoning me?”

Jessica snorted a laugh, turning to him with a smile so wide, she couldn’t believe the words that had come out of his mouth. “Are you fucking kidding me? Friend zoning isn’t real. Just some bullshit word guys made up for girls who don’t wanna have sex with them. Why don’t girls ever get friend zoned?” She made an O with her lips and mocked him. “Oh, that’s right, they just become friends and see that as decent enough. Try it sometime.”

Diego scowled. “Are you making fun of me?” He asked, his tone simmering with rage.

Jessica didn’t back down. “Hardly. You said misogynistic shit, I just pointed it out.”

Growing more annoyed with her by the minute, Diego glared. “You killed him, didn’t you? It was you.”

Jessica scoffed. “I don’t know what the hell that means. I told you, I was home in bed.”

Diego folded his arms across his chest, leaning across the table to her. “I know you did it. And I’m sure I could break your psycho friend Clay’s face in and he’d give you up in a heartbeat. He doesn’t seem too stable these days.” Jessica stood glaring at him. Justin had been right. Diego was on to them, and mostly her. It was personal now. “I have the proof, Jess. I can get what I need to clear Monty’s name. Or,” his tone lightened, “I can give up. I can drive the others on a different path.”

Surprised, Jessica’s brow lifted, “why would you do that?” She questioned curiously.

“Because I care about you,” he said in a serious voice. A voice that scared Jessica. “I can keep you safe.”

She scoffed, “I don’t need you to keep me safe,” she said, going back to cleaning. She kept her eyes down because she feared what would happen if she looked up.

“Yes you do. But I can only protect you if you stay close to me. If you stay with me. But if you don’t, then…” She glanced up to see his dark eyes. “Things could get bad for you, Jess… Really bad.”

She kinked an eyebrow at him, smirking. “Is that a threat?”

He shrugged a shoulder. “It could be,” he said offhandedly. “If you don’t do the right thing.”

Jessica rolled her eyes. “You’re fucking kidding me,” she muttered. “The fact that you’re threatening me with this shows that you’re not nearly the good guy you think you are. You don’t care nearly as much as you think you do.”

His eyes squinted as she stared at her. “What?” He asked her. “Jess, I care. I just said that I cared. I’m trying to be a good guy.”

She let out a deep sigh, dropping the cloth on the table one last time. “If you cared you wouldn’t threaten me. And if you were a good guy, you wouldn’t try and manipulate me into getting close to you.” She bit her lip, trying to understand. “Diego, I want to believe you’re a good person. I do. But you prove me wrong every time.”

His angry gaze faltered, his fists no longer shaking with anger. He relaxed. “What can I do to prove I’m good enough for you? You’ve dated a fucking gay cripple and a drug addict. I don’t know how you can pass on me. I can give you a future.”

Jessica chuckled, her smile coming back. “God,” she sighed, “you’re so conceited.” He slammed his palm on the bench in front of her and Jessica jumped in fright, her smile falling.

“Don’t fucking mock me,” he warned her in a low voice, his eyes glaring into hers as he came closer.

Jessica, finding her confidence, scoffed. “Don’t fucking threaten me, then.” She glanced around the messy HO room where all the girls were quietly cleaning up and cocked her head. “You should probably go,” she told him in a bored voice. “I have cleaning to do.”

* * *

“Are you and Jessica back together?” Startled, Justin turned off the small water fountain and turned to the voice. His face scrunched in annoyance and he wiped his sleeve over his mouth.

“What?” He asked, seeing Diego standing in front of him. He stood up straight and glared in annoyance.

“Jessica Davis,” Diego said bitterly. “Did she seriously take you back?”

Justin scoffed, staring around the Liberty hallway, “dude, you don’t know shit.”

Diego smiled, it was a mocking smile. “What is it about you that makes her settle? Do you beat her? Is she scared of you?”

Justin’s face scrunched up. “Fuck you,” he snapped.

“Ah,” Diego tilted his head, “it’s all about fucking, isn’t it?”

Justin rolled his eyes, taking a step away from Diego. “I really don’t have the fucking time for this shit.” He tried to walk away but Diego grabbed his arm and pulled him back.

“Did she do it?” He asked. “Or is she covering for you?”

Justin stared, “do what?” He asked.

Diego’s eyes singled in on him in a glare. “Kill Bryce,” he said dangerously.

Justin raised an eyebrow. “Oh,” he mocked, “you mean her rapist?” Diego was taken aback. He knew. Of course he knew. But here at Liberty, and to the football team, Bryce being a rapist was the last thing they thought when his name came to mind. The same as Monty. First it was friend, then brother, captain, leader. But rapist came last, because they couldn’t imagine seeing him as any less than the person they imagined. So yeah, sometimes they forgot.

“Yeah,” Diego said. “Her rapist.”

Justin tilted his head and matched Diego’s sickening confidence. “You want me to tell you whether a rape survivor killed her rapist?” Diego slowly nodded, unsure. “Dude, do you know how fucked up that is? Even if she did… Who can blame her?”

“What?”

Justin shrugged, pretending to take interest. Really he just wanted to make sure Diego was ‘handled’ without Jessica needing to shed another tear over it. “Look, you care about Jessica, don’t you? You like her.” Diego didn’t respond so Justin sighed. “Dude, I’m serious. She’s awesome. She’s gonna change the fucking world. And maybe, yeah, she was there when Bryce died. Her rapist. But she’s traumatised.” Diego’s brow furrowed as he listened. “Jessica still cries in her sleep. She still has panic attacks when people touch her in certain ways. She’s strong. She’s a survivor. But dude… She’s not stronger because of what he did. She’s stronger despite it.”

Diego’s face scrunched up and he took a step back. “What are you getting at?” He asked, uncomfortable by the topic.

Justin’s shoulders went up, then down in a futile effort to be nonchalant. “Jessica is still hurting. She was still hurting that night. Bryce hurt her badly… So maybe she was there. But whatever the fuck she did that night, however she was involved, that wasn’t her. That was her pain. Her terror. At being face to face with her rapist. Watching her rapist die.” He shook his head, his tone getting more and more serious. It was all an act, but Diego was believing it. “If you turn her in, you’re punishing her more for what Bryce did to her. He made her panic. He broke her, and she put herself back together. Give her some fucking credit, man. You really wanna ruin her life anymore? More than Bryce did?”

Diego frowned, considering his words. “So, she did do it?”

Justin pressed his lips together and shrugged. “I don’t know. But if she did… Do you honestly think she deserves the punishment for it? Monty’s dead. Monty isn’t being punished. And don’t you think, as Bryce was trying to make amends in his last few months, he wouldn’t have wanted Jessica punished… For what he ultimately did to her.” Diego’s mouth opened but there was an absence of words. Justin tried not to laugh. Had this shit really worked? Was he serious? “You care about her like I do. You love her, whether she loves you back or not, like I do. Come on, Diego. You have a bigger purpose in life than getting justice for two rapists. You can do better things than destroying the reputation of a rape survivor. How bad would that make her look, and everybody like her? Like me? Like so many people around the world. Survivors will become murderers. They’ll be shamed. Don’t you care about the movement? About what it represents? Don’t set the movement back. Don’t ruin Jessica’s life.”

Diego was shaking his head in disbelief, “dude,” he mumbled, unable to find any words.

“It’s not black and white. It’s complicated.”

“So she did it?” Diego clarified once and for all.

Justin shook his head. “No, she didn’t kill her rapist. But if you try and take down the person who did. You’ll take her down too.” Justin became solemn and he stared at Diego. “You’re a good person. If you wanna be a good ally, prove to Jessica that you won’t take down survivors for being survivors.” The whole rant had taken him a week to come up with. He was surprised Diego let him do the whole thing. When Justin promised Jessica he was gonna take care of something, he took care of it. And he was willing to look stupid doing it.

Diego sighed, he looked haunted. Traumatised. Confused. He stared at Justin, and he didn’t want to say what he was about to. “I see why she loves you. You have the same values. The same morals. And you love her, dude.” Justin pretended to nod in agreement as if Diego had said something meaningful when really Justin thought the whole comment was utter bullshit.

“Thanks, man,” he said. Diego bobbed his head, then he turned and walked off. As soon as he was gone, Justin vividly rolled his eyes and whispered under his breath to himself. “He’s so fucking stupid.” He sighed and turned the opposite way down the hall. Hopefully that took care of the Diego situation until they graduated and never had to see him again. If not… There was no real proof of Jessica being there. Their tracks had been covered. So at least now, if he had Jessica’s protection in mind, maybe he would just forget about the whole thing. He would abandon his stupid crusade for justice. It wasn’t like Justin believed everything he said, nor that he didn't believe it either. But, he wanted Jessica safe. He wanted her to stop worrying, and being haunted by Alex’s actions that night. Didn’t he owe her some kind of respite after she had been so supportive for the last six months of his recovery?

* * *

“I don’t get why she’s in our room,” Clay protested, groaning as Justin pushed him toward the outhouse door where everybody else had just left from. “Why can’t you two go outside? Why does it have to be _me_?”

Justin shrugged, “cause Clay, she’s the President, she gets what she wants.”

Jessica nodded from where she was sitting on the bed. “And it’s cold tonight,” she said.

“Just go into the house,” Justin advised. It really was that simple of an answer. He didn’t see why Clay was making it a big deal.

Clay groaned as he stood in the open door. “Just don’t have sex on my bed. Please.” Jessica smiled and waved goodbye to him as Justin pushed him out the door one last time. Clay slammed it behind him and the room was silent again. They were alone. The lamp on the table lit the room, leaving the corners in darkness. Jessica was on his bed, her feet planted on the floor as she watched Justin cross the room back to where she was.

She tried not to laugh. “Why is he so against leaving?”

Justin shrugged. “He’s hibernating.” They both shared smiles, finding it funny. And true. He came and sat beside her on the bed, sighing in exhaustion. She watched as he lay down behind her, stretching out along the bed. He stared up at the ceiling and she twisted around to look over him.

“Are you okay?” Jessica asked. “For real?”

He looked up at her eyes, nodding.“Yeah, I’m fine… I’m good.”

She raised an eyebrow in concern, her gaze dancing across his face to find any deeper meaning. “Justin, come on,” her brow furrowed. “Clay is fucking hallucinating, and he’s delusional. And he’s dissociating. That has to make you a little less than good.”

He shrugged, “I guess it’s just a lot to think about.”

Jessica nodded her head, listening. “It freaked me out,” she admitted. “I mean, if he hadn’t written that shit on the doors at school, if he hadn’t sent out that email, then Diego and Winston wouldn’t have gotten as close as they did.”

“Yeah,” Justin said in a sigh, “it’s fucked up.”

Jessica’s face crumpled, “and you had no idea? Not a single clue that something was up with him?”

Justin shook his head, then he hesitated. Jessica’s eyebrows raised in curiosity. “I didn’t, but… I think back and there were signs I guess… He talks to himself a lot. He has strange dreams that he thinks are real. I guess I should have known.”

“No,” she said. “You’re not a psychologist, you shouldn’t have known. Knowing isn’t the same as having a suspicion.”

“I guess,” he drawled, unconvinced. Jessica ran her finger tips over his cheek, smiling down at his solemn expression. As her hand rested against his face, Justin reached up and cupped his hand over hers making her giggle. He twisted his head around and kissed the palm of her hand and Jessica bit her bottom lip, their eyes watching each other. There was something unspoken in the air between them.

“I heard you took care of Diego today,” she said.

He clicked his tongue casually. “You did the dirty work. I just said some shit and he gave up on it.” Smiling, he shook his head. “I don’t know how you do it,” he said.

Her eyes rounded. “Do what?” She asked.

“Make people fall in love with you so easily. To the point that they’d do fucking anything for you.”

Jessica brushed the comment off with an eye roll, smiling. “People don’t fall in love with me. They fall _for_ me, for a glorified idea of me… You’re the only one who fell in love _with_ me.”

He smiled, “did you just come up with that, or did you practice it this morning in the shower?”

She chuckled, running her thumb along his cheek as he grinned. “I should be a poet,” she said, faking sincerity. “I mean college isn’t an option any more. I could be a great poet.”

He snorted a laugh. “No way,” he said. “College is always an option if you want it to be an option.” Smiling, she leaned down and kissed him, grateful for the response. 

She pulled back gently. “I’m waiting,” Jessica whispered, inches away from his lips. She stared into his eyes, genuinely waiting for something.

He smiled, biting his bottom lip. “I love you,” he said sincerely, and Jessica rolled her eyes.

“That was not what I was waiting for,” she nearly laughed, the sides of her smile turning up in excitement. “But appreciated.” She pressed her lips to his and softly moaned against his smile. When she pulled back, her eyes rounded in innocence as she pouted. “Go to prom with me? Please?”

He smiled, staring at her lips. “Okay,” he whispered. She held his face in her hands and kissed him again, and again.

When she leaned back there was a smirk on her lips. “Oh,” she said, close to him, “and my dad is out all afternoon so do you mind making prom sex a before prom thing?” He laughed and she smiled. “You can come over and get ready with me. I mean wouldn’t you rather spend two hours eating pussy than listening to Clay complain?”

He laughed, and then scrunched up his face. “Please never use those two words in a sentence again.”

“Sorry,” she giggled. “But, come on, it’s true.” She looked across the room, seeing Clay’s messy bed and snorting a laugh. “Did he seriously think we were gonna have sex on that? What a moron.” Justin laughed as well, glancing over. As Jessica’s gaze came back her eyes caught on a black box sitting on the table between Justin and Clay’s beds, it was hidden behind some papers and beside Justin's football captain trophy. Her brow furrowed. “Are those your mom’s ashes?” She asked.

“Yeah,” he said. “We finally got them. I didn’t really know what to do with her so I thought she could just chill there until I found her somewhere… nice to go.”

Jessica’s lips perked up in a smile. “I like her urn, it’s very pretty.”

He clicked his tongue, smiling. “Matte black. I didn’t really get a choice but I think she would have liked it. She always liked fancy looking shit we couldn’t afford.” Jessica chuckled, running her fingers along his shoulder mindlessly.

“Did you tell Clay yet?” She asked, staring at the urn.

Justin shook his head. “No,” he admitted in a quiet voice. “I mean look at what he’s dealing with. I can’t drop that on him.” Then he shrugged. “He hasn’t really noticed the urn. I think I might just wait until he asks.”

Jessica’s head rolled around to side glare him. “He’s gonna hate that,” she said. “You’ll be like twenty seven, planning your wedding and he’ll ask if you’re gonna invite your mom and then,” Her eyes widened, “boom, you drop the dead bomb.”

Justin laughed, “that is not how it’s gonna go.” Then he smiled. “Besides, her ashes will be front row with Matt and Laine.” Jessica snorted a laugh, shaking her head at him endearingly. “I think she would have wanted to come… If it ever happened. She never had that. She never had a family either, I guess. I think she’d want me to have one.”

Jessica reached out for his hand sitting over his stomach and held it in her own. “She could have gotten better, you know? She could have had a good life. Don’t feel like her end is yours, okay?” Their eyes stayed on each other and Jessica felt like she might cry. “And don’t feel like it was your fault either.” She ran her thumb over his knuckles, watching their hands together as her mind wandered. “I’ve been thinking,” she said into the quiet ambience as he watched her. “I’ve been trying to understand your grief over your mom and I think I finally get it.”

“What do you get?” He asked her gently.

“The guilt,” she said, her voice breaking as she felt a lump in her throat. “I think about my recovery from what happened, and I think about you, and what you told me… And I think about how good I’m doing despite it all. How lucky I am to have made it out and survived… And it makes me think, what if you hadn’t? If you got hurt, or you suffered in silence from what happened out there, like you did for so long… What if you died from it? And I think, like, I would feel guilty for not giving you my all, and giving you every resource that I had.” She swallowed despite the lump and pushed herself to go on. “And I guess it’s the same with your mom. Isn’t it?” 

He pressed his lips together, trying not to cry as he nodded. Justin reached up and touched her cheek, about to wipe away her tears were any to fall. “Please don’t cry,” he whispered, smiling at her.

She rolled her eyes. “Oh my God. I’m not gonna cry,” she said, smiling back. Then she leaned over and kissed his lips. “And I’m staying the night,” she told him, inches away.

Justin smirked. “Clay’s not gonna like that,” he said. Obviously he’d have to sleep in the main house. He didn’t have to, he just didn’t wanna know what the hell they were up to.

Jessica made a face, “well Clay doesn’t really like anything these days, so I’ll risk it.”

* * *

“Shit,” Jessica whispered, shoving her phone into her clutch and abandoning the bathroom mirror. “They’re early. The limo is outside. We gotta go.” Walking back to her bedroom, she quickly squeezed her feet into the heels by the door and turned to her boyfriend lying on her bed.

“Can I open my eyes now?” Justin asked her, his white sleeve covering his face.

“Yes,” she said, walking over to tap his shoulder. “Surprise is ruined. I’m ready. Let’s go.” He withdrew his arm and frowned.

“You said we had at least another half an hour,” he complained. “Now we don’t even get proper prom sex.” She had always been grateful to be dating someone who indulged her hyperactive sex drive, and could just as easily match it. It really made her love life an absolute joy.

Jessica smirked, staring down at him. “If you’re lucky we can find an abandoned coat closet.” She winked at him and he laughed. His arm snaked around her waist as he sat up and she smiled.

“You’re so beautiful,” he whispered, and Jessica bit her bottom lip. Her hands came up as he sat on the bed in front of her, and held his face.

“I love you,” she said, trying not to smile as widely as she wanted to. She leaned in and quickly pressed her lips to his. “We really gotta go,” she said against his lips.

“Okay,” he said reluctantly. But God, she didn’t wanna go either. If only they had more time. Even though they’d spent the last two hours together, of which very little time was spent preparing for the event. She picked up his hand and tugged on it until he stood up. They stepped towards the door, and he hooked his arms around her waist until she was stumbling backwards with her arms around his neck and her lips against his. She bumped against the wall, both of them shaking, and laughing, from the unexpected impact as they misjudged the exact location of the door. When he tilted his head to kiss her neck, she saw a mark on the side of his throat. Her hands drew back from around his neck to touch his face, and then she ran her fingers over the strange black mark. It was hard to see in the lamp light of her bedroom. She felt teeth marks as she touched it and realised it was just a hickey. Jessica’s sudden panic began to subside. At first she thought she accidentally choked him too hard last night and he hadn’t stopped her. Then she worried he got into a fight. Then she worried if he was sick or something. But it was just a hickey. Justin noticed her hesitation and pulled away to look at her.

Jessica tried not to laugh, “sorry,” she whispered. She ran her thumb along his lips and wiped off her lipstick. He just smiled and Jessica tugged on his hand again, and they went out the door this time without distraction. She walked down the stairs ahead of him, their feet not matching a rhythm as they quickly descended into the stairwell where the front door was.

“Jessica,” her dad called from the living room and Jessica froze.

“Dad,” she glanced around for him, “you’re back already?” Justin paused on the final step, lingering and wondering if he should go upstairs and climb out the window instead. If Jessica was honest… It wasn’t a bad idea.

Greg appeared by the door way, looking, still in his Airforce uniform. “I just got home. There is a ride out the front. Is prom tonight?”

She looked to him and nodded. “Yeah, I told you last week. And graduation is a week tomorrow.” She frowned. “You’ll get the day off, right?”

Her dad nodded. “I’ll try. You know how hard it is.”

Jessica’s brow furrowed. “Dad,” she complained. “I’m giving the speech. I’m the Student Body President.”

He unclasped his hands and shrugged. “I know, and I’ll try. But the American government can’t just stop for a day so you can get a diploma.” Jessica rounded her eyes and pouted at him until he gave in, sighing. “Okay,” he said. “I’ll bake them some brownies and see if they budge, hey?”

Smiling, Jessica nodded. “Thanks.” She looked back to Justin on the staircase, then to the door. “Dad, we really gotta go.”

“Wait,” he protested, “one photo. For your mom and the boys.”

Jessica rolled her eyes. “We’ll take photos there and I’ll send them. I promise.”

His expression hardened. “Jessica,” he warned and she threw her head back and groaned.

“Fine,” she gave in. “But let’s do it quickly. I don’t wanna be late.” Her dad laughed as Jessica put her hand against the door and leaned, posing for him. He grabbed his phone out and Justin lowered himself down until he was sitting on the bottom of the staircase watching her. Jessica smiled, posing as her dad took multiple pictures of her under the hideous lighting of the stairwell, but she didn’t tell him that. He was enthralled by the photography. It was her last school event, and nobody else was here to witness but him.

“Justin,” her dad acknowledged, his eyes on the phone screen as he pressed the camera. “How are you? How are the Jensen’s?” Jessica eyed her dad and he rephrased the question. “How is your family I mean?”

Smiling, Justin looked down at his hands in his lap. “Uh, they’re good, sir. Thank you.”

“And yourself? Nearly six months clean, I’m told. That’s fantastic.” Jessica glanced between the two and as stood straight and her dad snapped a photo.

“Yeah,” Justin shrugged, at loss for words, “it’s, uh… It is.”

“Oh,” Greg shut off his phone and shoved it in his pocket, “I’ve been meaning to ask you something.” Justin watched him, and Jessica could see he was afraid of what the next words were going to be. How is your mother? Please don’t offer my daughter drugs. Have you been tested for STI’s? Can you please stop defiling my daughter? None of those were what came out. “Have you ever thought of joining the army?”

Justin shook his head. “Uh, no sir.” He blinked. “Why?”

Greg shrugged. “I just thought it might be a good option for you, and your future. Without a college or a job plan. It’s easy to get into. You know I always have connections.”

Justin glanced between Jessica and her dad. He wanted to say something, but he was hesitant. “I… I actually got into college. Occidental.”

Jessica went wide eyed. “What? Why didn’t you tell me?”

Greg’s face lit up, and he spoke over his daughter. “In Los Angeles? I think I know the one.”

“Yeah,” Justin said, then he looked over at Jessica. “I was gonna tell you, but… You know.” Okay, yes, she did know why. He didn’t wanna freak her out that he’d gotten into college and she hadn’t. Not that she didn’t think he could, just that the whole thing had her on edge.

“Well,” her dad said with a smile, “Jessica’s looking at Columbia. We haven’t got the letter yet but any day now.” He reached out to her and patted her shoulder. “We can move back to New York with her mom and the boys.” Jessica tried to smile, but she really couldn’t. She needed to tell him. She just hadn’t yet. Justin noticed and stood up, smiling at her.

“And even if she doesn’t get into Columbia,” he said, pointedly at her, “she’s still gonna do something amazing. She’s too good for them anyway.”

Greg nodded, and that was exactly the response Justin had been looking for. Subtle. “Of course. I’m always proud of her.” Sighing, he glanced between the two teenagers. “You know, I never used to like you,” her dad said to Justin.

He frowned, his energy depleting. “Yeah, I know,” he said. And Jessica slyly ran her fingers down his arm.

“But…” And it looked like it was killing her dad to say this. “It shocks me to see how much you’ve changed, and grown, in the last two years. You’re unrecognisable. And it truly goes to show how much an environment can affect someone. Especially a toxic one.” He took a breath, staring and considering his words. “You’re a completely new person to me, and I respect the effort you put in to change. And I think, and it’s a lot for a father to admit this, that yes I judged you when we first met based on where you came from.” He swallowed. “And I think I was partially right to, and partially wrong.” Greg shook his head and stared at the floor. “Justin, you deserve everything you have now. A family, friends, your health, your sobriety. No kid deserved what you went through. Because, yes, Jessica told me about your mom, and where you were when you ran away. And I’m sorry for judging you when we met, based on you not having those things. Things every kid should have.”

Justin smiled, nervously. He shook his head. “It’s… It’s fine, sir.” He looked down at his feet. “…Thank you, though.”

Then Greg leaned in, his expression darkening. “But if you do anything. I will–“

“Find me and kill me.” Justin nodded. “Yes, I remember the Taken quote.”

Jessica scowled at them both. “Can we please stop this 17th century misogyny right now? I can take care of myself. Neither of you own me.”

A smile spread across her dad’s face. “I’m sorry, Jess.” He laughed and patted Justin’s shoulder. “I’ll let you both go then, and have a good night.” He raised his hand to his forehead and saluted them both.

Jessica groaned. “Dad, Oh my God, please don’t.” Smiling, she rolled her eyes. Jessica grabbed her boyfriend by the wrist and led him out the doorway, and then out into the night.

“Your dad is nice,” Justin said. “I like him.”

Jessica smiled, glancing back. “That’s great because… I think he likes you now. I think he’s been kidnapped and replaced with a clone.”

He shrugged. “Maybe he’s part of a secret sex cult, and it’s changed him completely.”

Jessica rolled her eyes, grossed out by the concept. “What is it with you and sex cults?”

Justin clicked his tongue. “I just think they’re neat.”

* * *

"Prom is kind of lame," Zach said into the silence of the table. He was beside Alex and his date Charlie. On the other side completely were Justin and Jessica, their chairs pulled eagerly close to each other, and his arm around her shoulders as his fingers combed her hair nonchalantly. She liked it when he did that. Zach stared around. "I think my date is taking her eightieth pee break for the night." 

“Zach come on,” Alex said with a laugh, “she’s not your date, she's a hooker. You brought a hooker to prom.”

Zach drunkenly chuckled, “she’s a whore, Alex, that’s the proper terminology.”

“Please don’t tell me you’re gonna sleep with her,” Charlie innocently said, his head looking around to Zach, “she could be… She could have… Things. Diseases.”

“A lot of diseases,” Alex agreed. “And drugs.”

“And she’s probably an addict,” Jessica added absentmindedly. “How do you know she’s not in the bathroom right now snorting crack?” The four of them laughed at that. The image of some prostitute doing drugs in the bathroom of a high school prom.

Justin leaned over to Jessica and whispered without feeling. “You don’t snort crack, you smoke it. You’re talking about coke.”

She gave him a small smile, looking over at his blank expression. “Well, I’ll remember that for next time,” she said, waiting for him to smile back and laugh. He didn’t though. His hands kept running through her hair, but he wasn’t in the moment.

Zach chuckled again. “She’s probably got daddy issues. I’ll see where the night takes me.” He winked and everybody in the circle grimaced.

“Gross, Zach,” Alex complained.

Zach’s drink tipped slightly as he gestured with it. “Don’t be a fucking pussy, dude,” Zach said with a smile, “you’ve been with one. It’s sex without the nagging and the responsibilities, you know.” In that exact moment, he looked over at Justin and Jessica. Then he smirked. “Also, they’re experienced.” He winked and Alex’s face screwed up, hoping Charlie hadn’t heard that he had gone to a hooker once upon a time. And it was with Bryce, which was worse.

“Why is she always in the bathroom?” Charlie asked into the quiet, oblivious as always.

Zach’s shoulders went up, then down. “Who knows man. She’s a whore.”

Jessica scowled. “Don’t use that word,” she said in annoyance. “Sex worker is the proper term.” Zach brushed the comment off with a shrug, and a wave of his hand.

Charlie was frowning in concern, still not on the same page. “Why did you bring a sex worker to prom, Zach? Why couldn’t you just ask someone from junior year?”

Zach put the flask of scotch up to his lips, smirking. “Cause, now I _know_ I’m getting some tonight. Whether she wants it or not. She’s been paid for it.” He chuckled but nobody else laughed. His expression crumpled up. He was already pretty drunk. “What?” He gestured with his hand, the flask nearly pouring onto the floor beside him. “Life is already miserable. I don’t need a fucking girl to make it worse. I don’t even know my dates name but I’m still gonna get my dick sucked so, who is the real winner here?”

Jessica’s eyes rolled back into her head. “I hope you’ll ask for her consent,” she warned. “And respect her if she says no.”

Zach shrugged, smirking to himself. “She’s already been paid,” he said, “she’ll do what she’s gotta.”

Jessica glared at him across the table. “Zach, that’s horrifying.” She tucked her hair behind her ears and leaned over so her point was made. “If you do anything I will beat the shit out of you.”

Alex and Charlie both nodded, “I’ll support that,” Alex agreed.

“Me too,” Charlie added. They all looked over at Justin, but he looked rather out of it. Jessica stared at him, trying to work out if he had heard the remark or not. His hand in her hair stopped, his thumb as it was stroking her neck paused. He pulled his hand back in a daze and stood up, glancing between all the faces staring at him. His eyes then settled on Jessica, and she could see that he wasn’t okay. He was staring at her. “I’m gonna… I’ll be back.” Justin’s voice was desolate of any feeling, and Jessica’s brow crumpled.

“Where are you going?” She asked him quietly. She reached her hand out to him, but it fell onto the back of his chair instead.

He shrugged. “I’ll be back,” was all he said, then he turned and walked off. Jessica watched him, seeing the way he went and taking note.

“Fuck,” she whispered to herself. She clenched her eyes shut and cursed herself. Had they really just insulted a drug addicted sex worker in front of him. None of them except Jessica knew. And it hadn’t even crossed her mind in the moment.

“Where is he going?” Charlie asked curiously. Jessica looked over at him, glaring. Even though her issue was with Zach above all.

“Probably to buy something from Zach’s date,” Alex added with a smile. “What? It’s funny because he’s clean.”

Jessica rolled her eyes. “It’s not funny at all,” she snapped. Jessica stood up from the table and glared at them all one by one then she walked in the same direction Justin had gone. It wasn’t their fault. They had jokingly said dumb shit because they didn’t know any better. They didn’t know. But Jessica did, so yes, she felt like a shitty person for it. She crossed the dance floor, dodging dancing teenagers and avoiding Diego as he caught sight of her. Come on, she was very obviously here with someone. Why couldn’t he just leave her alone. But he crossed the floor towards her and Jessica scrunched her nose up in annoyance. She stopped in the middle of the dance floor, halfway between the table she had left behind and the entrance that Justin had walked out of. Diego met her where she stood, his eyes taking in her long black dress, and the curls in her hair as it rested over side of her shoulder.

“Jess,” he said. “You look amazing.”

She glared, “I know.” Their gaze held, and his grew stronger and angrier before Jessica remembered who she was talking to. “Thank you,” she said belatedly, her voice still strong and confident.

“I did some soul searching,” he told her and Jessica’s face screwed up.

“That’s a stupid saying,” she deadpanned. “But go on.”

He was smirking at her, nevertheless entertained by her bluntness. “I won’t turn you in or anything. Not because of what Justin said, or what Bryce and Monty did. Because of you, Jessica.” She glanced around to see if anybody heard him. Nobody was listening to them. “I respect you. I respect your dedication to the cause. To righting the wrongs of other people, and giving victims a voice. I don’t know what happened that night but whatever it was… You’re not a killer, and you’re not someone who deserves to be called a killer.”

Jessica tilted her head. “Well… Thank you,” she said, unsure what exactly the proper sentiments were supposed to be.

He stared at her. “Even if you never feel for me the way I do for you. I will keep your secret. I hope that one day you will have the courage to come forward on your own, but that’s not my choice to make for you. You have to live with that guilt yourself.”

Jessica nodded, slowly but surely. “I do,” she told him. “I do live with guilt.”

“I’d be sad if you didn’t,” he said solemnly. “Regret is what makes us human.”

Jessica smirked, “or is that love?”

He matched her smirk. “Perhaps it’s both?” He stared down at the floor, awkward as the conversation ended, then his head came back up. “Goodnight, Jess.” She gave him a small, affirmative nod.

“Goodnight,” she said back, and he turned and walked away. Things were left open ended, but Jessica felt some closure. Bryce would always haunt her though. Until the truth was out, until Alex gave himself up, Jessica would always be haunted by the things she had witnessed that night. Shaking her head, she washed the thoughts away and remembered what she had gotten up to do. She wasn’t here to beg Diego not to turn her in, she was here to apologise to Justin for a dumb comment she made. To make sure he was okay. She walked straight ahead to the entrance, the big panelled wooden door that led to the next room. Nobody saw her, and she ducked out without alerting any chaperones. The hallway was empty, and her heels were mutedly clipping the carpet as she crossed it. The glass doors at the end showed the dark garden ahead, and Jessica slowly and quietly pushed them open. She stepped out into the cold night air, being as gentle as she could while still letting him know she was there. The white cement stairs were two steps from her and she stared at the figure sitting there, dressed in matching white under the lamp light either side of the plateau.

“I’m an asshole,” Jessica said softly into the quiet, standing behind him. Justin was sitting on the second step. His back stayed to her, his knees were drawn up to his chest. Jessica didn’t step any further. She didn’t want to overstep after what had happened. There was more, she knew that, than just a few throw away comments about raping drug addicted prostitutes, or as Zach would have put it, taking what he rightfully paid for. She fucking hated him for that.

“You’re not an asshole,” Justin said quietly, his voice the only thing in the quiet besides the muted music coming from inside. “You’re awesome.”

Jessica laughed under her breath, taking a step closer to him. “I guess I can be both tonight.” She came down to the step he was on and sat beside him, their shoulders brushing against each other in the cold air. He stared at his hands, and Jessica watched his face. “So, Zach’s a dick, huh?” She would deal with Zach later though. He needed to get his shit together.

Justin scoffed, “God,” he whispered, “I feel sorry for that woman.”

Jessica nodded, sighing. “Me too,” she said gently. Leaning into him, she put her chin on his shoulder and rounded her eyes. “Are you okay?”

He sighed, staring out at the garden. “Yeah,” he told her belatedly.

Jessica smiled, “no you’re not,” she said, shaking her head as it shook his shoulder too. “You’re out here in the cold, and the party is inside. You’re avoiding it, like people who aren’t okay do.” He laughed under his breath into the quiet, turning to look at her beside him. There was a small smile on her lips as she stared at him, waiting. Their faces were inches apart as she rested her chin gently on his shoulder.

“He just… He reminds me of how Bryce used to be.” Jessica’s hopeful face fell, and she turned her head until she was looking out at the gardens.

“Oh,” she whispered, “I see.”

He looked down at his hands, resting his chin on his knees. “It was just too much,” he said. “The drinking, the sex worker, the fucking rape jokes… The cocaine.”

Jessica’s brow furrowed. “Coke?” She asked gently. “Shit, for real?”

Justin nodded. “He was telling me about it when we got here.” Zach and Justin had gotten along again for the week he was grieving his mom, but when he stopped, Zach took it personally. He wanted someone to suffer with, and Justin refused. He shrugged his shoulders, his voice distantly haunted, like he was about to cry. “It just triggered something and I don’t like that feeling. It’s deep down. It’s… It hurts.”

Jessica turned her head back to look at him, reaching out to touch his hand as it held his knees up. “What hurts?” She asked.

He shrugged. He didn’t have a good precise answer. “What really hurts is… Is not knowing if it’ll ever be different. If I’m gonna feel this way every time I hear someone talk about that shit. Or see someone using drugs. Or, feel that judgement from people I trusted. It’s just really fucking shitty. Because it’s so hard to stop thinking about.”

Jessica nodded. “I get that. I’ve been through that.” She smiled to herself. “I mean, do you think Christmas last year I would ever have had the courage to hear the word rape on TV, or think it, let alone say it? Now I say it a lot, because I fucking have to.” She stared at him. “Rape,” she said, then again, harsher, “rape.” She shrugged her shoulders. “It’s just a stupid fucking word. But it represents so much. And you gotta take that word, all those things… Heroin, junkie, prostitute and whatever else, and you gotta redefine it in your own mind.” She kept her eyes on the side of his face, knowing he was hanging on to her every word. “When I hear the word rape, or when I say it, it’s not me. It’s not my trauma that I hear. It doesn’t break me, like intended. It just makes me fucking angry. It makes me care about other people. I think of all the people who were hurt, and who need help. I think about how much hatred I have for the people who do that shit. I don’t think about _him_. And I don’t think about me.”

Justin nodded, slowly. “You sound like a therapist,” he said, smiling to himself.

Jessica shrugged. “I sound like someone who survived something horrid. I sound like someone who wants to make the world a better place for people like us.” She cocked her head. “So that there are less people like that in the future.”

“Me too,” he whispered. “I feel like it’s the way to fix this, this… This feeling.” As he looked up at the night sky it began to spit with rain, slowly but surely. Jessica felt a drop land on her shoulder, then on her leg as it stretched out over the stairs. She didn’t move. She didn’t go to run back inside. She just sat, and spoke honestly to him as the rain began to fall gently over them.

“But don’t forget that it isn’t all you are. Don’t let it define your life. I wanna help people but I also wanna go to college… And I wanna get a dog one day. And travel the world. And get married and have children. And I wanna be a good friend. And I wanna be fun and exciting. I wanna paint, and write, and march for equal rights. Go to a pride parade.”

Justin looked over at her and smiled with her as rain covered them. “You’re gonna do all those things,” he said. Jessica stared at him, her lips spreading wider as their eyes stayed on each other. She went to say something but the rain grew harder and Jessica put her hands up to cover her hair. They both knew it was gonna go frizzy as soon as it got wet. Justin looked back up at the sky again, then he pulled his white jacket off in an instant and quickly covered her hair with it. Jessica laughed, holding the sleeves tightly so it kept her dry.

Biting her bottom lip, she looked at him under the cover of his jacket. “You’re gonna do all those things with me, right?” She asked him, her eyes rounding in hope.

She watched as a smile spread across his face, just as raindrops covered his face like teardrops. “Yeah,” he said. “I’d do anything with you.” She smiled at him, their faces close as rain fell on her cheeks. “You’re… the love of my life.” Her lips parted and she drew her bottom lip between her teeth, her cheeks widening as she grinned. He reached out and cupped her face in his hands, smiling as he stared at her. Jessica leaned in and kissed him, feeling how wet his skin was against her own. She didn’t stop smiling. Giggling, Jessica pressed herself against him, holding the jacket over both of them.

“You’re cheesy,” she whispered through the kiss. “But you make me happy.”

He smiled. “Yeah, me too.” And she kissed him again and again because she couldn’t stop herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "i love you more than life" was beautiful but it also represented how he had no desire to live anymore and let himself die....... so yeah i didn't wanna put that in. i wanted it different. also the rain kiss. 
> 
> also just wanna say when jess made fun of zach's date for being a drug addict i??? it felt so ooc for her? like girl you supposedly are in love with a boy who was a fucking sex worker while homeless and was addicted to heroin. like who are you? what the hell? it felt so icky to hear her say that.
> 
> so i perhaps wrote/am finishing two final chapters. one being my inadequate attempt at the graduation episode despite never having seen it lol (and then a five years later flash forward) and second is a ten years later epilogue because i want to write a happy future for them but also i don't wanna make a whole fic lol


	10. Graduation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i never watched the episode so i made up as much of it as i could. i just know they sit on the stands of the gym and bury the tapes. fuck burial. burn that shit. jessica should have gotten to burn tape 9 since it's practically her tape now since everybody else on it is dead......  
> also i hate the first part of the fic. i like the second and the third is like ?? i just hope it makes sense.

“That speech was fucking awesome.” Sitting on the benches in the gym, Jessica stretched her head back until she was looking up at Justin on the bench above her. Her head practically lay in his lap, her hair scattered behind her. Who would have thought after everything they had both gone through at this school, this was how they would graduate. Together, and happy for once.

She smiled, “that speech took me a month to write.”

Justin matched her smile, looking impressed. “It was so good. I had tears in my eyes.”

She snorted. “Liar.”

He was smiling down at her. “Don’t call me a liar. I was giving you a compliment.” Smirking, Jessica sat up and twisted around to face him.

“Will you give me other things tonight?” She put her hands on his knees and then rested her chin on top to stare up at him suggestively.

“Maybe,” he said slyly, smiling back at her.

“You guys are so gross,” Clay complained from beside them.

Jessica grinned, glancing over at him. “You’re just bitter,” she said.

Clay rolled his eyes. “No,” he argued. “I’m just tired of seeing you in my house every night. At the dinner table. In my bedroom. In my bathroom. You’re having way too much fun. It’s sickening. Don't you ever spend time apart?”

Jessica shrugged. “We can spend time apart right now,” she said casually. “I gotta go see Gary.” She turned back to Justin above her as Clay made a confused face. Jessica reached up on the seats to kiss her boyfriend, smiling as he laughed.

“Don’t bully him too much,” Justin said, and Jessica’s eyebrows went up.

“You know I will,” she said back, grinning. “He’s gotta be glad I’m graduating.” He laughed as she left the stands, confidently approaching Principal Bolan with her head held high and her blue graduation gown flowing behind her.

Tearing his eyes away from Jessica, Justin turned to Clay beside him. “You don’t have to be a dick to her just cause you’re miserable.”

Clay rolled his eyes. “I’m not miserable,” he argued. “I just can’t fix all my issues through dating, like you obviously can. And Jessica can. You guys don’t have to hang out all the time.”

“Dude,” Justin glared at him, “her dad is never around. He didn’t even make it to graduation. Her mom and her brothers are in New York. She’s in that house all alone. All day, every day. She’s lonely, and so we hang out a lot. And she’s my girlfriend. I love her.”

“You know,” Clay complained, side eyeing him, “love doesn’t solve all the worlds problems.”

Justin made a face. “Why would it?” He asked.

Clay’s face screwed up in annoyance. “Well, that’s how you’ve been acting. All smiley and fun, and romantic.”

Justin smirked. “Clay, I think the word you’re looking for is happy. I’m finally happy, and I know it sucks that you’re not. But you don’t have to take it out on everybody around you.” He had been doing it for months. Maybe there was something deep inside Clay’s heart that hurt to see a drug addicted abuse survivor happy before him. But that wasn’t Justin’s problem. He didn’t need make out he was second best when he worked hard to get where he was.

“Exactly,” Clay said bitterly. “You’re happy. And the only new thing in your life is Jessica.” He shrugged his shoulders in futile effort to say he didn’t understand. “You’re life isn’t gonna be magically perfect now that she’s taken you back. She could dump you tomorrow and–“

“Clay,” Justin interrupted him, “I know.” There was an uncomfortable silence between them for a moment. Then he spoke again, clearer this time. “My life isn’t perfect. The fact that you think it is means you barely know me. My mom fucking died. And I freak out over it at least once a week. I get really anxious whenever people talk about drugs of any type, especially heroin. I worry that people are gonna abandon me. I worry that they’re not gonna like me now that I’m sober. I worry that one day I’ll relapse for some reason, and my life will go down the drain.” He shrugged his shoulders, watching Jessica on the other side of the gym. “But when I’m with Jess, she’s like, the only person I’m not afraid of. She knows everything about me. I don’t worry about her abandoning me.” He smiled, watching as Jessica spoke to Principal Bolan on the other side of the room, lecturing him on something, and calling him Gary just to get under his skin. “I love her. I do. But that’s because I put the work in, and I got better. Jessica isn’t the reason I’m happy, or healthy, or whatever the fuck you wanna call this. It’s the best I’ve ever been, but, it’s because I worked hard to get here. I didn’t just give up. I tried to give up, a few times. But I didn’t.”

“She’ll still break your heart,” Clay said defeatedly. “Love is hopeless. And as soon as it ends, you’ll be back to–“ Shooting heroin. No, Justin thought, fuck that.

His head snapped around to glare. “Don’t fucking say that to me,” he said. “I know you think you’re giving me a wake up call. I know you think you’re helping me. But you’re not.” Justin shook his head, looking back to his hands in his lap. “I learned a whole fucking lot in rehab. Mostly about myself, and I’ve been learning shit ever since. Like, I’m smart. And I’m a good friend. A good boyfriend. And I like helping people. So, I’m not worthless, or useless, or a waste of people’s fucking time. I have something to offer the world, regardless of whether Jessica loves me or not. I’m not gonna relapse the moment she dumps me. I wouldn’t throw all my progress down the drain for someone I love, and who I know wouldn’t want that.” He huffed a sigh, smiling gently. “It’d be manipulative, wouldn’t it? Don’t break up with me or I’ll relapse. I don’t wanna be that person.” Clay was left in uncomfortable silence, and Justin could tell he was weighing up what he had just been told. But Jessica approached them again, smiling like a proud child.

“He liked my speech,” she said.

“Everybody liked your speech,” Justin told her. Then she frowned, coming to sit beside him this time and leaning against the seat behind.

“Except my dad, cause he didn’t get to see it. Even though he promised to be here.” She huffed a sigh, trying to brush it off. He could tell she didn’t want anything to ruin her day, but this was close to it. Matt and Laine were on the other side of the gym, they smiled and waved at the three of them and Clay reluctantly got up to go over. Justin stayed with Jessica, reaching out to hold her hand beside him.

“I think Matt got the whole thing on video,” he said to her, “he can send it to your dad, and your mom.”

“That’d be nice,” Jessica said quietly, resting her head on his shoulder.

Zach sat down beside them, leaning in and invading their personal space, staring between them. “You guys are gross,” he said, his face inches from theirs.

“Why does everybody keep saying that?” Jessica complained, lifting her head.

“Cause it’s true,” Zach said, emphasis on the word true. “And I’m telling you this sober, so it’s actually true.”

“Sober, huh?” Justin looked impressed. “Why’s that?”

Zach shook his head, leaning back to sit at a comfortable distance again. “Prom,” he said defeatedly. “I realised that… I was being stupid. My date, Mary, the one you all called a whore.”

Jessica snorted a laugh, glaring at Zach. “Bullshit,” she said but he ignored her.

“She told me about how she has a kid, and her husband is out of work, and she never finished high school, so this is how she makes money. And I realised,” Zach shrugged, “my life isn’t that bad. I mean, I have the time to turn it the fuck around. People like that get dealt such awful shit, and if that ever is me, I know I’ll get through it. Because people do.”

“That’s very inspiring Zach,” Jessica remarked, rather sarcastically.

Justin leaned over and put his head in his hands. “That’s what it took for you to get your shit together? Advice from a sex worker?” He shook his head, still resting it in his hands. “Jesus, Zach.”

Zach scoffed. “What do you have against sex workers? They’re people.” Jessica took a slow breath and scowled, running her fingers down her boyfriends arm calmly.

“Just shut up, Zach,” she snapped, her eyes rolling. “That’s not what he meant.” Glancing over to the other side of the gym, Justin saw Clay talking to his parents. They looked up at him and smiled, beckoning him to come over to them as well. He smiled back, ignoring his company as he stood up. Jessica and Zach stopped their arguing for a moment to look up at him. Justin hadn’t been paying attention to them anyway. He jumped down off the stands before hesitating and turning back. Jessica pointed a confused and curious look to him, and he held his hand out to her. The corners of her lips turned up and she glanced over his shoulder to see the Jensen’s smiling at them. She understood. Jumping down to the floor beside him, she grabbed his hand and let him walk her over to where Clay and his parents were. Her fingers intertwined with his and when they caught up to their company, Jessica managed to plaster a polite smile on her face.

Laine was grinning as she glanced between them. “You’re high school graduates, congratulations.” They both smiled back, awkwardly nodding. Her head turned, “Jessica,” she said excitedly. “Your speech was fantastic.”

Blushing, Jessica smiled. “Thank you, Mrs Jensen.”

“Where’s your family?” Laine asked, staring around the gym.

Jessica shrugged sadly. “My mom and my brothers aren’t in California still. My dad is on his way. He got caught up at work.” Matt and Laine shared a look of sympathy before looking back to Jessica.

“We have the whole thing on video,” Matt told her, “I insist you take it and show your parents.” Jessica smiled and Justin nudged her shoulder, as if to say he told her so. She looked back to Matt and he looked interested in a different topic, staring curiously. “You’re into Berkley,” he said with a smile. “That’s very close to home.” Jessica nodded, and Laine looked between them.

“Los Angeles to Berkley is long drive,” she told them.

“I looked it up,” Jessica said. “It’s an hour from L.A to Oakland by plane then a fifteen minute drive to Berkley.” She shrugged her shoulders. “It’s workable.”

Clay poked his head into the conversation. “So you guys are trying long distance?” He clarified.

“Yeah,” Jessica said, smiling, “we are.”

“What are you studying?” Laine asked her instead, seeing any further discussion of Justin and Jessica’s relationship too personal. For once. She usually took delight in asking them a million questions about it because she found their relationship very cute, and Jessica was always around. Now she gave them space for once, and everybody appreciated it. Mostly Clay.

“Journalism,” Jessica answered.

Justin nodded. “The course actually sounds so cool. And she’s majoring in women’s studies and politics.”

Jessica grinned. “It’s exactly what I wanted to do,” she said. “And it’s similar to your sociology course,” she looked over at Justin beside her, then back to Matt and Laine. “So, we’ll have that in common.”

They looked at Justin after hearing that, and smiled. Laine’s eyes rounded. “We’re really proud of you,” she said to him, and he smiled. “Really proud. And I wish your mom was here to see this. She’d be proud of you too.” No she wouldn’t, Justin thought. His mom never would have shown up to his graduation, and if she did, she’d be high off her face. She was like Jessica’s family, except her parents wanted to be here. Justin’s mom wouldn’t have even cared to see the footage. But maybe she would have been proud of him nonetheless. She deserved to be alive enough for him to know the answer. But she wasn’t.

“Thanks,” he whispered gently, looking at his feet. Jessica’s fingers ran over his hand as she smiled at him, nudging him with her shoulder. He looked back up and felt embarrassed. “Uh…” he struggled to find the right words, that didn’t sound completely stupid. “Thank you,” he said sincerely, “for like, everything. I wouldn’t be here without you guys,” he looked at all of them, Jessica and Clay included. “So thanks. I’m really grateful to all of you… And I love you all.” Jessica ran her hand down his arm, grinning, and Laine looked like she might cry. She didn’t, thank god, but it was still sweet. Justin laughed, nervously, because he wasn’t used to telling people he loved them. Other than Jessica, who made it easy because she said it to him all the time. And occasionally Clay who had never said it back, but Justin didn’t hold it against him. Clay wasn’t like him, he wasn’t an emotional person. Still, it hurt sometimes not to hear the exact words right back. But he had never said it to Matt and Laine, they weren’t his friends, were they even his parents? Still, they saved his life. They gave him a home. They gave him all the resources he needed to get better. He owed them his life.

Laine’s lips turned down like she was about to cry. “Justin, love, you’re more than welcome for everything.” She stepped over and hugged him, pulling him in even if he didn’t want to. But he did. He wanted to be hugged. “And we love you too,” she said.

“Don’t know why you’re being so sentimental,” Matt said, smiling. “You’re officially adopted. No going back now just cause you graduated. You’re stuck with us.”

Justin smiled as Laine pulled away. “I’m good with that,” he said.

“Are you sure?” Clay asked, jokingly. “They’re kind of annoying after eighteen years.”

Laughing, Justin shrugged. “I’ll take annoying. I’ll take anything.” His tone softened then, “I just want a family.” Jessica’s gaze was gentle as she kissed the top of his shoulder, staring at him. The corners of her lips perked up into a smile, and she was grateful he had a family too, or else neither of them would be where they are today.

* * *

Jessica startled him. He woke up to her voice, and her fingers running over his face as she stared at him. His eyes opened and her face was inches from his.

“What the fuck,” Justin whispered, blinking as he tried to wake up. It was dark in the outhouse. Nearly pitch black. But the porch light from outside illuminated his side of the room as always, and especially so Jessica’s form as she sat over him.

“You’re awake,” she said. “It took a while. You’re usually a lighter sleeper.”

“What are you doing? It’s like fucking–“

“It’s 1am,” she whispered back. “Yeah, I need you to come with me.”

He shook his head, running his hand over his face as he lay underneath her. “What? Where?” He pouted and let out a small complaining cry. “Jess, I’m fucking tired.” She leaned in to his lips and smiled, kissing him even though he didn’t kiss her back.

“If you come with me I will make you very glad you did.” He groaned in protest, but who was he to say no? Jessica never came to see him like this in the middle of the night, so this was something important. And since he’d climbed through her window many nights without warning, he kind of owed her for this one. He got up eventually and she threw a shirt at him, then some shoes. Her car was parked out the front, and they drove for nearly fifteen minutes before she stopped at a forest out of town. It was pitch black and all she had was her phone for a flashlight, and with it, something in her other hand. Justin thought maybe it was a knife and she’d brought him out here to murder him. Two years too late, he concluded. But whatever it was, it wasn’t the shape of a knife. It was something else. They walked and walked through the forest, whispering to each other as she pulled him along with her.

“We should go to the beach,” she said at one point, looking back.

He smirked. “Not right now,” he said. She snickered before turning back ahead and walking in silence. “Jess, come on,” he protested, his pace slowing in annoyance. “We’ve been walking for ages.” It had been like three minutes, actually. “I am in my pyjamas, and I feel like I’m about to get murdered. That is not how I planned to die.”

She snorted a laugh. “What did you plan?”She asked.

He smiled, watching the back of her head in the darkness. “Choked to death during sex. I even have a note under my pillow. It says you shouldn’t be held accountable.”

She rolled her eyes, looking back to him. “You’re an idiot,” she said, grinning. “And why would I ever choke you that hard? I’m very in control during sex. You know I am.” He tugged on her hand and she paused walking so he could catch up to her.

“Babe,” he whispered, coming to her, “will you promise me that if I ever get sick, and it’s terminal, that you won’t let me suffer? Just choke me real hard while we’re fucking for the last time. It’s how I wanna die.”

She laughed, shrugging. “Okay. But I want it in writing so I don’t get arrested.” She pouted as he kissed her lips. “But it’s never gonna happen. I’ll never let it happen.”

Justin smiled. “I don’t think that’s how life works,” he whispered.

“But that is how love works,” she whispered back, her lips pressed together in a smile. “Here,” she found his hand in the darkness. At first he thought she wanted him to hold her hand, but then there was something cold and plastic that she pressed into his palm. “You can carry this. The pit isn’t too much further.”

“Is this a tape?” He asked her, looking down. Jessica shone the flashlight over it, and the blue number 9 reflected with the shining nail polish. It had been chipped away slightly over the last two years but it was still the ninth tape, that number was significant to him no matter where he was. When they buried the tapes last week he was sure there was one missing. “Shit,” he said, looking back up at her. “Now I feel like you really are gonna kill me.”

Jessica shook her head. “No,” she told him gently. “We’re burning this shit.” With her now free hand, she ran her fingers over his cheek. Her voice then got low and dangerous. “It’s the first step for when I burn this entire fucking system to the ground.”

He leaned in and kissed her lips. “You’re terrifying,” he whispered, “I love it.” Smirking, she leaned away, grabbing his free hand with hers and pulling him along the path again. He played with the tape in his hand as they walked and whispered to each other. He stared at the tape, thinking he could just close his hand around it tightly right now and the plastic crack and break. But that did nothing for the tape itself. He had wanted for so long just to break that stupid tape in half and erase it entirely. This was their chance.

“We’re here,” she whispered excitedly as she came to a halt. Jessica shone the flashlight over the forest ahead of them. There was a fire pit in a clearing of trees and stacked with wood. She tugged on his hand again and they stepped closer. She flicked her hair behind her shoulders and handed her phone to him to hold. Digging her hand into her pocket, she pulled out a small lighter, and Justin flashed the phone over to see it.

“Is that my lighter?” He asked her, staring.

She nodded. “Yeah, I stole it while you were complaining.” He saw her smiling as she focused on twirling the lighter between her fingers. “So thanks I guess.” He watched her, smiling at how pretty she looked, even at midnight in the pitch black. Jessica leaned in and flicked the lighter until a flame appeared, then she put it to the dry wood. It took a moment before it started to catch, and she tried to light the small branch of leaves underneath, knowing it would flame easiest. Justin watched her, waiting to see if she could light it. “Why do you have a lighter? You’re sober.” She asked him, staring in concentration as she lit one last piece of wood.

He shrugged, staring as it began to flame. “I just kept it.” She pressed her lips together, focusing on the fire and deeming his answer satisfactory.

“I realised something recently,” she said. “With everything that’s happened and stuff.”

He watched her as she finished lighting the fire pit. “What did you realise?” He asked gently.

Jessica smiled, staring into the flames. “I realised that love isn’t about knowledge. It’s not about loving the person who knows exactly what you want and need. It’s about finding someone who you trust enough to tell them what you want, and what you need, and who you are.” She shrugged her shoulders, coming back to stand beside him as she shut off the lighter. “You’re it for me,” she said in a whisper, turning to look at him. “You make my life easier, and happier.”

He scoffed, holding the tape between them. “I think this says differently.”

Jessica rolled her eyes. “That tape is bullshit,” she said. “That’s why we’re erasing it forever.” He looked into her dark eyes, and tried to read them. She was serious. Deadly, and enthusiastically serious. Justin realised that he wasn’t the only person who had desperately wanted this tape burned a long time ago. He looked back down at his hands, and Jessica took her phone back, shutting the flashlight off and shoving it in her back pocket. They both stared at the tape in his hands. It was silent, save for the crackling of flames beside them, illuminating their profiles. Justin snapped the plastic of the tape in half, right through the middle, as the blue 9 was no longer intact. He enclosed it in his fist, and squeezed, until the plastic cracked more on each side. Then he held it out to Jessica with finality. It was done. Something he had wanted to do for so long. She looked up at him, his gaze still focused on the broken plastic in his hands. She reached out gently and took the tape from between the cracked pieces of plastic. She pulled it out of the plastic, and broke it some more. Holding it, her hand just above his, she looked up when he did and their eyes met. This was his final chance to say no, to turn around and let his biggest mistake loom over him for the rest of his life. To let his sobriety hang over him forever. This was it. He was clean. She was healthy. They were happy. The events of that night did neither of them any good to keep living in their heads. There was an unspoken promise between them that this was it. It was over. Forever.

“Fuck it,” he whispered to her in the dark.

Jessica smiled. “I hate this fucking tape,” she whispered back. She toyed with the black tape between her fingers. He thought at any moment she might tear in half, or hand it back to him in reluctance.

“You sure about this? Once it’s gone it’s gone.”

“Yeah,” she said, her voice brimming with finality. “It’s my story. It’s not hers. And as long as I live I’m gonna fucking tell it. And when I’m gone, I don’t want her version to be the one that gets heard. I want it to be mine. Always mine.”

He stared at her. “It’s just you and me now. The others are dead.” Bryce and Hannah, he meant, and she knew that.

Jessica managed to smile. “We’re survivors,” she said. “In every way.” Then she turned and threw the tape into the flames, watching as it faded into the orange glow. Justin watched her, noticing the way her eyes lifted up into the forest ahead. There was something haunted about her stare. She was glaring, and the look transformed in an instant. She looked happy. Content even. Confident. He didn’t know what she had seen in the forest. He had ideas. Bryce. Jessica always told him how he haunted her. How her fear of being caught followed her, and took the form of her dead rapist. Now the tape was gone. Now the investigation was dead. He was no more.

“Jess,” he whispered, and as though woken from a trance, Jessica blinked and her eyes came back to the flames. “Are you happy?”

She pressed her lips together. “I think so,” she said. “For so long I thought I’d never be happy again. I’d always be broken. I thought being happy meant I was letting him get away with it.” She shrugged. “But, that’s just hurting myself more. And I don’t deserve that. I wanna live my life as best I can. I wanna be selfish and happy.”

He smiled. “You’re not selfish,” he said. “You’re amazing.”

She shook her head. “Sometimes I am,” she whispered. Then as he shoved the remaining plastic into his jacket pocket, they fell back into silence. He wondered what was going through her head. What she was thinking about. Because all he could think about was that stupid tape. He couldn’t stop thinking, was this finally in the past? Could he live it down? Had he, in her eyes? And did he have the courage to ask her?

“Jess,” he whispered, and she glanced over at him. “Do you forgive me for what happened that night?”

She chewed her bottom lip, considering. “No,” she said softly. And his heart dropped. “Because that wasn’t you. That was a fucked up, broken kid who didn’t know what the hell he doing.” She gave him a kind smile. “Your sobriety matters to me. Why should I ever hold you accountable for his actions?” He stared at her side profile, glowing in the orange light. He had no words. All of the work he had put in to being a positive, new person with a healthy life seemed to pay off bit by bit. He didn’t care about anybody else’s opinion of him. Not even Clay’s. He hadn’t hurt Clay. But he did care about Jessica’s opinion. It was the most important thing in the world to him. Other than Jessica herself. He thought back to the conversation he had in rehab about his relationship with Jessica. If she didn’t accept his love for her as enough, then they had to break up for both their sakes. But she had. She loved him unconditionally, the same way he loved her.

“I really do love you,” he said.

She smiled. “I know.” She reached out to hold his hand, her touch was cold and in the warm summer air her skin was soft. It was quiet between them as they listened to the flickering of the fire as it swallowed the tape. “Alex is turning himself in,” she said into the silence as the flames melted the last of the black tape. Justin turned his head to look at her, tearing his eyes from the mesmerising flames and onto her face instead. Which was even more mesmerising, the way the fire illuminated her cheekbones and the features on her face.

Justin struggled to find words to answer her. “What about you?” He asked in a whisper.

Jessica’s lips pressed together, and the lines of worry on her forehead glowed in the firelight. “No,” she said belatedly. “No, I can’t. He’s saying he did it alone… He can’t live like this any more.” She blinked at the fire. “I tried to stop him. I told him what would happen. But…” She shrugged. “He’s insistent.”

“Jesus,” he whispered under his breath. He stared at her, trying not to worry but his mind didn’t stop spiralling. “Jess, what if they find out? What if they come after you? It’s so much more dangerous for you.” A black girl being investigated for the murder of her rich white rapist. The media would kill for that story, only to spin her into the villain. Only to set back the feminist movement twenty years. It made no fucking sense.

One side of her smirk turned up, and she stared into the light. “I’ll be fine. You don’t need to worry about me.” She chuckled then, glancing over. “But if something does happen, and they come for me. Promise you’ll run away with me?”

He smiled. “You wanna run from the law with me? That’s hot.”

She smirked. “No, you’ve just done it before. I figure it ensures my survival better than if I went with, like, Alex or someone.” He turned and pretended to frown at her. She screwed her nose up. “I’m joking. But only like fifty percent. You are experienced.” He did end up homeless, addicted to heroin and stooping to lows he never thought he would simply to survive. But he didn’t say that. He settled with the least argumentative thing he could.

“We could join a sex cult?”

Jessica glanced over at him, giggling. “You keep mentioning this sex cult. Do you have something you wanna tell me?”

He chewed his bottom lip, grinning. “No,” he said. They looked back down at the flames and finally the black tape was no more. Hannah’s version of Jessica’s story was no more. Well… There was a second set of tapes somewhere. Justin didn’t know where, and he didn’t particularly care any more. Jessica had forgiven him, and he had forgiven himself. That was what mattered.

“It’s all done,” Jessica said. Her face was more somber than it had been when they started burning the tape. She sighed, turning from the flames back to him. “I feel ready.”

“For the future?”

She nodded. “For whatever happens next. I can handle it.” Jessica had gone from being terrified for her future, for missing out on what she had dreamed of, to being confident again. Nobody was convinced more than Justin that she was going to change the world. After all, that’s what she got named in the yearbook. Most likely to change the world. She reached up and hooked her arms around his neck, pulling him close. He saw her lips turn up in the flickering light of the flames, then she kissed him. He reached around and put his arms around her, holding her to him as she kissed him again and again. For the first time in his life he felt as she did. Prepared for whatever was gonna come next. He’d never been prepared before. He had never truly looked to his future with any sort of excitement, rather it was dread and unknowing. He had lived in the moment, always. He had shot up whatever drugs kept him in the moment, and living for the moment. He’d never thought about his future before. But now he had one, and he was sure it was going to be worthwhile.

* * *

Four years later Jessica Davis was still, completely and without a doubt, Jessica Davis. It was fall in Los Angeles, and where she stood before him on the busy street, she barely looked any different to the last time he saw her in person. Two years ago, near exact to the date. Her hair was shorter and lighter, but he had seen that updated on her instagram a month ago. The blue dress she wore went to her knees, and the black leather jacket she had thrown over it was the same one she had from when they were dating. She loved that jacket. She used to wear it all the time.

When they had broken up it had been amicable. Distance was an issue for them. Yes, it was just a simple plane trip but they both felt like they were missing out on experiences of the ordinary college student. Parties, dating, hook ups. So they called it off after two years, but it was open ended. But neither had caved in almost two years. He still kept up with her. They exchanged platonic messages about social justice issues, and their favourite movies. They would wish each other happy birthday on social media without it being weird. She would text him when she needed advice about things. They just didn’t see each other in person. They couldn’t. He knew if they did, he wouldn’t be able to stop himself from kissing her, and holding her, and a million other things. So he dated other girls, sure. But his friendship with Jessica ended most of those relationships. He was a shitty boyfriend, because he chose Jessica over any single one of them every time.

On the busy roadside pavement she was standing barely one step away from him. He couldn’t take his eyes off her. She was here, and she was real again. She wasn’t a voice over the phone, or a status update. Jessica Davis was here in Los Angeles. There was a smile on her face, she was enjoying this. She enjoyed seeing him speechless, in the city of angels, on a random day of the week. She lived to plan things carefully, but she loved to be a spontaneous part of other people’s lives. Of his life most especially.

Her smile slowly withdrew, but the joy in her eyes didn’t fade. “Hey,” she said, staring.

Blinking, Justin searched for the proper answer. “Hey,” he said, about to laugh. He pressed his lips together, embarrassed by how much he was smiling. “How are you?”

Her red lips smiled at him, “I’m good,” she said, her voice sweet and fond. “How are you?”

He nodded excitedly. “I’m– I’m good.”

The corners of her lips turned into a smirk. “Justin, this doesn’t have to be awkward.”

Smiling, he shook his head. “No, it’s not… It’s…” He glanced down at his feet, his hands were shoved into his pockets. “It’s just a surprise. I’m shocked.”

Her brow went up, her lips parting. “Good shocked, or bad shocked?” There was a seductive look on her face and he wanted to kiss her so badly. He was, and always had been, infatuated with her. He had almost gotten over her. Almost. But nobody compared to Jessica. The first, and possibly only, woman he had ever truly loved.

“Good shocked. It’s always good to see you.” Her eyes rounded as she blushed. “I missed you.”

Her lips made a tight smile. “I missed you too.” She tucked her hair behind her ears and her eyes danced around the people who passed them on the street. “I got offered a job, here in LA. As an intern at this independent company that investigates social justice issues.” She shrugged her shoulders, as if to say it was nothing. Just a simple job. “It’s kinda what I’ve always wanted to go into, so…”

Justin smiled. “Columbia University who?” He said and she chuckled.

“Yeah,” her eyebrows went up in emphasis. “Fuck them.”

“I’m so happy for you,” he said.

Jessica’s smile turned condescending, irritated. He knew that look. “Well,” she said bitterly. “I’m glad someone is.” He gave her a curious look and she rolled her eyes. “My ex dumped me for it… Well, it was a rather mutual break up actually.” She smirked at Justin. “He wanted me to move back to Canada with him. And I wanted an orgasm for once. Ends were never gonna meet.”

Justin laughed, tilting his head. “Poor Hayden,” he said, pretending to pout.

“Ugh,” Jessica groaned, “don’t feel bad for him. He called me a bitch before he left.”

Justin made a face. “Not poor Hayden, then. He seemed nice, but I guess his instagram is very misleading. I thought he fostered dogs.”

Jessica went back to smiling. “Why have you seen his instagram? Were you stalking him?”

“Maybe,” Justin said. “I wanted to see who he was.”

One side of Jessica’s lips turned up. “It’s fine. I’ve done it too. How’s Brooke?”

Justin rolled his eyes. “God,” he complained. “She is long gone.” He shrugged a shoulder and Jessica’s eyes watched him as he casually explained. “Turns out she was a little homophobic. And by a little, I mean a lot.”

Jessica’s brow crumpled. “What’d she do?”

He looked down at the pavement, shrugging in shame. Not shame, exactly, more so embarrassment. “She, uh, read one of my essays about my time on the streets. She found out about some stuff and wanted nothing to do with me. Said she didn’t wanna sleep with a… straight gay guy, whatever the fuck that means. I don’t fucking know.” He scrunched his face up in annoyance. “It was for the best. She was kind of controlling, and mean.”

Jessica lips turned down. “I don’t like her at all,” she said and Justin laughed. “Um…” She glanced around the busy street. “What are you doing right now?”

He shrugged. “I’m doing whatever you’re doing.”

She stared, interested in the answer. “So you’ll take me out for coffee?” She asked him shamelessly. And there was no need for her to feel any shame.

He smirked, “I think we’re way past coffee dates, Jess. Wouldn’t this be our third first date?”

She laughed under her breath. “I think so. I guess I just always find my way back to you.” Closing the space between them, Jessica stepped until their shoes were touching. She put her fingers to his cheeks and held his face in her hands. He ran his fingers down her arm, reaching her hand and moving it closer so he could kiss her palm.

“I never stopped loving you,” he said gently. “I tried but I couldn’t.”

A fond smile came to her face, and he wanted to kiss her so badly. “I know,” she said. Her confidence never faltered, nor did her knowledge of him with such absolute certainty. Leaning in, she pressed her lips against his, smiling as she did. “I’m here for good,” she whispered. “I wanna make it work this time.”

He smiled. “Did you really track me down in this giant city just to get back together?”

She nodded, her lips moving against his. “First I asked Clay where you were. Then I followed you for a block like a stalker.”

He laughed against her smile. “I don’t wanna just give up again this time,” he said. “I want it to work too.” Jessica kissed him again, holding his face in her hands still and pressing herself up against him in the middle of the street. It was gonna work this time. It had to. What did they have to lose?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHAT THEY DESERVED!!!  
> also yeah i summed up some storylines that i didn't like in the show. um why did alex walk free? justin got a whole ass six months as accessory to rape when he was a traumatised fucking kid, but alex murdered a bitch and walked free with no guilt or anything AFTER he was gonna kill himself and then whoop no mention of anything (yeah bryce was deserved it but come on? did the show really just abandon a whole fucking plot line? and pretend nothing happened so he could go on to live his gay life while justin's dead in a fucking grave because rEaLiSm fuck that) yeah I'm still mad about it. this show can just fucking rot. Justin deserved better.
> 
> and then one final chapter to skip a few years ahead :)


	11. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there is so much fluff in this it will legit rot your teeth. im so sorry... also have fun meeting justin and jess' daughters. they're adorable. i also have sim versions of them with my sims of jess and justin. except they have three daughters on there. here they only have two. the third one was named Sierra. rip.
> 
> it took so long because i am not good at writing fluff like this. and as someone who has no interest in marriage, or anything like that (my parents aren't even married so i know fuck all about that shit outside of movies) so the first part was SO hard to write. you wouldn't believe!!!! the second part is darker but i think it's realistic for them to not be a perfect and happy/healthy couple all the time. and the final chapter i whipped up real quick in the last few hours.

“Christmas in New York is so pretty,” Jessica told him, as they walked the snow covered streets. “I hope my parents stay here. I like visiting.” She squeezed his gloved hand beside her as they came across some glowing windows. There were people everywhere. Christmas nightlife in New York was among the most romantic sights in the world.

“You know,” Justin said as they walked the snow covered pathway, illuminated by the Christmas windows beside them. “When you invited me here for Christmas to see your family, I didn’t think New York was going to be…” He pressed his lips together, not wanting to say what he was about to.

Jessica raised an eyebrow. “Going to be what?” She prompted.

He turned to her with a blatantly disappointed expression. “The coldest fucking place on earth,” he deadpanned.

Smirking, Jessica rolled her eyes. “You’re so Californian, oh my God.” She leaned closer to him and their shoulders touched in the cold, under their three hundred individual layers of clothing. “But,” she said seductively, “I hear sex beside an open fire is very hot. And I do mean that as a double entendre.”

He laughed, looking over at her. “Oh, is it really?”

She raised an eyebrow. “We can try it out while we’re here.”

He scoffed. “Yeah, uh, how?” He asked. “Your family is around all the time.”

She pouted innocently, her big brown eyes looking up at him. “They’re not here now.” He couldn’t help but smile at the look on her face. Then he glanced back at the Christmas windows because if he looked at her a moment longer they might stop walking so he could kiss her, and never start walking again. He glanced down at her red dress covered by the thick woollen black coat she was wearing.

“Aren’t you cold?” He asked, feeling even colder by the second as he stared.

She shook her head as if it were nothing. “I’m fine,” she told him. “Why?” She glanced over, a smirk coming to her face. “Do you want my coat?” When he cocked his head as if to mock her, she laughed. “Don’t tell me you’re shy.”

He smirked. “No, it just doesn’t match my suit tonight.” That made her laugh gently.

“Well,” she said, regaining her humour and flicking her hair over her shoulder. “If you do get desperate, I can let you borrow it. You know why?” Her lips turned up as she stared at him. It was a rhetorical question. “Because fuck the patriarchy. I’m the man in the relationship. And _I_ look after _you_.”

His head went back as he laughed. “Oh God,” he complained, “you’re fucking weird, Jess.”

Her eyes went wide as she shook his arm. “And you love it,” she said in a sweet voice. She stepped out ahead of him in the streets as they passed the windows. She walked backwards, her hand connected to his, watching him as he watched her. He waited to see what strange thing she was about to do. Then she held her arm up, and his arm followed until she twirled under it, and he managed to realise momentarily what she was doing. So he spun her on the sidewalk as she smiled. Then she stepped back again, like she was dancing with him. Their arms were straight, connected by their hands as she bowed for him. When he finally caught up to her a few steps ahead, he smiled at her.

“What was that?” He asked in confusion. Nonetheless he loved it. Happy Jessica was always entertaining and she was never predictable. Especially so when she started dancing on a New York side walk in the snow.

“It’s romantic,” she told him with a sweet smile. As both their hands met again, and he slowed, she leaned in close like she was about to kiss him. “You wanna know what song I was dancing to?” She asked him in a whisper, as if she was about to say some kind of deeply romantic thing. But it was Jessica so he expected something fun. Her eyes were wide, and he was watching her with such unwavering attention he couldn’t look away. She ran her tongue over her lips, stretching up to whisper in his ear. “Boy toy named Troy used to live in–“ He didn’t even let her finish before he burst into laughter. Who could forget the opening line to Anaconda by Nicki Minaj.

“You mean my favourite song?” He joked. Jessica nodded enthusiastically, happy to see him play along.

“No, it’s _our_ song,” she said, and she looked and sounded serious. But Jessica was a fantastic liar. They stopped on the sidewalk, interrupting the people behind them as they begrudgingly had to walk around them. Justin slipped his hands under her coat and around her waist so that she came closer.

“And you think _I’m_ an idiot,” he said as she grinned. She gently pecked him on the lips before shrugging her shoulders.

“You are. You’re just cold tonight.” With a small smile he looked over her face. It was glowing in the light of the windows, and skin was so pretty and soft.

He leaned in close to her, his nose grazing against her cheek. “I would love to be beside a fire with you right now.”

Jessica bit her bottom lip, leaning in to him as their lips were inches away. “I bet you would.” She put her hand on the back of his neck and kissed him until he forgot where he was. She ran her tongue over his bottom lip before smirking and pulling back. “We should get to that dinner we’re already late for.”

He smiled. “Okay,” he agreed. “But first can we go see the giant Rockefeller tree? It’s just around the corner.”

She made a confused face. “Sure,” she decided. “You planned this dinner, so you can explain to them why we’re late.”

He leaned in close like he was going to kiss her, “okay,” he said with a smile. Then he pulled away and grabbed her hand again, leading her back down the side walk.

“Do you wanna play a game?” She asked suggestively, catching up to walk beside him.

He glanced over at her smile. “What’s the game?”

She leaned in close to whisper as they crossed the street. “I call it, am I wearing panties under this dress or not?”

He raised an eyebrow at her. “You have to be. It’s fucking freezing.” She only smirked. “And we’re staying with your parents so that means no sex.”

“Yeah, but now you’re thinking about what’s under my dress, aren’t you?”

He smiled, glancing at her from the side of his eye. “Aren’t I always though?”

Her lips turned up. “With respect I hope.”

He winked. “Always.” Then she chuckled under her breath, looking down at the snow covered pavement as they stopped at the crossing. She dug her hand into the pocket of her coat and pulled out her phone. He watched the screen, glancing between it and the crossing sign. When the crossing lights went off, he pulled her along behind him so she could read whatever she was looking at. “What’s up?” He asked, glancing back.

She smiled at him. “My dad wants to know if you’ll take my brothers to a basketball game tomorrow night? He says they requested you specifically. And then he added like three emoji’s of a basketball.” She pressed her lips together in annoyance. “He’s trying to be hip.”

Justin smiled, noticing the giant Christmas tree up ahead. “Sure,” he agreed. “Are you going?”

Jessica shook her head, watching for his reaction. “Just you, Cooper, Elijah and their friend.”

He clicked his tongue. “All right,” he decided in finality, walking along the pathway. “I’ll do it. It’ll make your parents love me more, if that’s possible.”

She snorted a laugh. “They’re practically begging you to go to this game. I think you’re on their good side.” She reached up and ran her hand down his arm as they walked.

He smiled, genuinely. “Your family is so nice,” he said. “They’re awesome.”

She rolled her eyes. “Is this because my aunt is convinced she saw you in an ad for Calvin Klein?” He rolled his eyes too and met hers as he did, but he still smiled.

“She implied that I’m an underwear model. I’ve never been complimented like that in the middle of dinner.” Jessica’s smile widened at him and she glanced up at the large Christmas tree as they approached it.

She giggled, staring in awe while trying to find her track of thought. “It was so awkward. You handled it like an idiot, too.” Admittedly he had jokingly told them she must have it wrong because he’s only ever modelled for Versace. Then Jessica rolled her eyes at him, and told him that he wasn’t funny. She laughed though. She thought he was funny, just not in front of her extended family.

He reached for her hand as they stood close to the exhibit, the changing lights were hard to look away from. “I’ve never had a family like that,” he said. “I never had someone call me cute, and pinch my cheeks and tell me I was taller than the last time they saw me.”

Jessica frowned, tearing her eyes from the tree to look over at him. “What about the Jensen’s?” She asked.

He shrugged, staring like he was in a trance. “Yeah, but when you get adopted at seventeen people don’t know how to treat you. It’s so awkward. It’s like, well, you know how it is, they ask me why I was adopted… And I don’t wanna tell them. I don’t want them to look at me like that.” Matt and Laine had definitely told them, but when Justin admitted it… He was still ashamed. Jessica’s head hung and she frowned even deeper. Turning to him, she put her hands on his neck, inside the collar of his coat.

“One day,” she whispered to him under the tree. “We’re gonna have a family, and it’s going to be on your terms. And you’re gonna feel like you belong, and it’s not gonna be awkward, or lonely, or sad. It’s gonna be perfect.”

He looked down at her lips as she gently smiled at him. “What if I fuck it up?”

She shook her head. “You won’t. Trust me.” He leaned down to kiss her lips, smirking. Knotting his hands in her hair, he saw her smile.

“Jess, I have to ask you something,” he whispered against her lips, amongst all the bustling people around them. It was loud, but they could hear each other and very little else. His hands dropped to his sides, and he took a step back so that the space between them was comfortable, but still intimate.

Jessica’s eyes took in his face, then she smiled. “What do you wanna ask me?” He had a feeling she knew. Even if he didn’t know himself. Smiling back, he looked down at his feet, trying to gain back the confidence he had before she smiled. He always lost his track of thought when she did that. Or when she laughed. Or when she did remotely anything. He felt comfortable around her but the butterflies never went away. It was the closest thing he had these days to a high. It was her.

“Well,” he started, smiling nervously at his feet. “First of all, I know how much you hate conforming to patriarchal norms, especially ones that were historically the cause of women’s sexual oppression throughout history–“

“Oh my god,” Jessica complained with a laugh, smiling, “I’m turned on, you can skip the sexy social justice intro.”

He bit his bottom lip, trying not to smile so widely at her. “Okay,” he said. “Well, I know you hate that shit. But I wanted to do something. So I settled for– Not settle, I didn’t settle– No, I just mean that I decided–“

Jessica was smiling so wide her cheeks hurt. “You’re nervous,” she said, staring at him in front of her. “Don’t be nervous.” Justin made a face that distinctly told her to stop interrupting his nervous but still adorable rant. He grabbed her hands in his, holding them at chest height.

“I love you,” he said slowly and sincerely. “I love your face, and your smile. I love the way you roll your eyes at me when I say remotely anything romantic.” She did it. She just rolled her eyes, as if on cue and it made him laugh. “Cause I know you mean it with endearment. I love your stupid never-ending sarcasm. I love how badass you are. I love how passionate you are, in every way. I love that you’re my inspiration every fucking day to be the best person I can be. I love that you love me. I love that you care about me. I love that you’re gonna change the world. I love everything about you. And I love you more than anything in this world. I love you more than life itself.” He stared into her teary eyes, and they both were on the verge of tears. She knew precisely what this was. Sure he professed his love for her every morning and every night but never like this. He watched her teary eyes, looking from one to another. Her lashes were wet and heavy, her lips pressed together as she tried to hold back her tears. “I don’t have a ring,” he told her gently, reaching up to hold her face in his hands. “I don’t have any plans. I don’t have a romantic gesture that’s gonna go viral. I don’t even know what the fuck I’m doing. But it’s me. It’s all of me. It’s the only thing I can give you that’s gonna last forever.”

She smiled so wide her pretty face reflected gold in the lights of the giant Christmas tree. “It’s perfect,” she told him softly. It perhaps wasn’t a proposal in the classical sense. There was no ring. He wasn’t on one knee. This was just two people who were in love, and who wanted the other to know how deep it was. She pried his hands off her face and kissed his gloved palm in the cold. Letting his hands drop, she hooked her arms around his neck and pulled him even closer to her under the lights. His arms snaked around her waist, and she was standing on her toes, smiling up at him. In the stark cold air she rubbed the tip of her nose against his cheek just to be cute and annoying. It was the coldest part of her face, and she knew that. “I love you too,” Jessica said. “Even though you’re annoyingly cheesy. And you make stupid faces at me all the time. And when I’m sad you always make me laugh. And when I’m happy you always make me happier. And I know you pretend to read books when I come to bed because you know it turns me on. I know you read everything I write for work, and research every topic, so that I can talk to you about it. You know me better than I know myself. You respect me. And I love you as much as I love life, no more, no less. Because you’re the best part of my life.”

His lips parted, and he squinted. “You think I’m cheesy? What the fuck was that?” She giggled, smiling even wider.

“Mine was better,” she said.

Justin scoffed. “No, it wasn’t. Mine was longer.”

She screwed up her face. “Quantity isn’t always equal to quality.” He gave in to her and laughed, reaching around to kiss her exposed neck, then her jaw, then her cheek. When he pulled away, she was smiling again. Her teary eyes reflected in the glowing lights of the silver Christmas tree. She was perfect. He knew every inch of her face, and her body like he knew his own, and yet he never got tired of her. She was enthralling. She was the person he wanted to be with forever. The person he wanted to have a life with, to live with, to have children with, to support through everything, to love unconditionally. She was the person he wanted to create a life better than his own with.

He couldn’t take his eyes off her. “Marry me, please?” Her eyes rounded, like she was going to cry again. The look in her brown eyes was so soft and loving. She wasn’t sure how to react. Her lips parted, he saw her bite her bottom lip for a moment as he watched a million different responses run through her head. They all meant the same thing, but there was more than a handful of ways to accept a proposal. And this was Jessica. She never did anything that wasn’t remarkable, and memorable, and completely, utterly, in control. Instead of a verbal response, her smile just widened, the dimples in her cheeks deepening. Her yes was a nod, unable to put any voice to her feelings. She shut her eyes, reaching out to hook her arms around his neck and hugged herself to him.

“Yeah,” she said softly, and he couldn’t see her but he could hear the smile in her voice. “Of course I will.”

He laughed, holding her tight. “You know,” he said after a moment, “I do actually read those books. It’s not just a thing I do to seduce you.”

She pulled back, smirking. “Sure you do,” she said, sarcastically. She didn’t believe him. He just smiled back, too happy to think up a hundred different examples of how the bookshelf in their apartment was full of books he had read.

“Also, there is no dinner,” he said, and her smile fell in annoyance. “I made it up so I could surprise you.”

She looked slightly disappointed. “So, what? We’re just supposed to go back to my parents house. Ring-less. Dinner-less. And horny.”

He laughed. “No, I have one last surprise.” Curiously, she tilted her head. His surprises were almost always successful. “You really thought I’d let us spend a week at your parents house, with your entire family home all the time? When I can barely keep my hands off you as it is.”

She smirked, reaching up to hold his face. “Same for me,” she said in a sweet voice.

“So,” he leaned in to her lips, “there is a hotel, and we can order room service.” He saw her face light up as he went on. “And we can sit beside the fire, and sleep as little as we want, and we can order wine–“

Then she smashed her lips to his aggressively and excitedly. “Oh my God,” she mumbled through the kiss. “That’s so fucking hot.”

* * *

“Babe,” Jessica catapulted a pillow across the bedroom until it hit Justin in the face as he lay on the bed. “Wake the fuck up. You’re late.” She walked over to the dresser by the side wall and grabbed her handful of vitamins to take. She could see his reflection in the mirror, watching as he just turned over on the closest side of the bed. She chucked the vitamins in her mouth, all three at once, and rolled her eyes. “I’m not fucking around,” she managed with her mouth full, “you were supposed to leave twenty minutes ago.” He just groaned in response and Jessica swallowed the pills with a quick drink of water.

“Fuck,” he whispered, adjusting to the light. “What time is it?”

“It’s eight,” she said, scowling at him through the reflection.

He screwed up his face like he was about to cry. “Jess,” he whined, running his hands over his face, “I can’t fucking do this anymore.” Her scowl turned to a concerned frown as she watched him lie there in the reflection. “I fucking hate it.”

Jessica shut her eyes, sighing. “I know,” she said gently. He rubbed his eyes, scrunching his face up. Jessica hated seeing him like this. Six months of this stupid job and he was completely miserable. “I’m sorry,” she said, “for yelling. I’m just sore and I have a headache.”

“It’s okay,” he said hoarsely. “I’m just… I’m fucking pathetic.”

Jessica twisted around to look at him, frowning. “No, you’re not,” she told him. “Just fucking quit that stupid job.”

He shook his head defiantly, the sheets rustling under him. “I can’t!”

“You can,” she insisted. “Just fucking do it. No one would blame you.”

He squeezed his eyes shut and scowled. “How can you say that? You said just last week that we don’t have the stability to go making reckless decisions like that.” In his complete defence, he was quoting her spot on. But at the time she was worried about losing her job and she had half expected him to come home any day and tell her he had quit. Plus they were barely keeping on top of their rent and she was pregnant.

She sighed, watching him. “I was in a shitty mood last week,” she told him. “And I’m four fucking months pregnant. I’m sorry I lose my shit every so often when your kid sits on my bladder until I need to pee every hour like I’m drunk.” Then she groaned. “And I can’t even fucking drink.” As his hands covered his eyes, Jessica saw him smile.

“I’m sorry,” he said, still smiling, “for whichever time it was that ended with you like this.”

She smirked, staring at him. “I thought we confirmed that it was the morning of my birthday.” He laughed, his smile widening. “So don’t be sorry. It was worth it.” She stepped over to his bedside, crawling onto his lap as he lay underneath her. She grabbed his wrists and pulled his hands off his face, smiling as he looked up at her. She let his hands drop either side of his head, then she put her fingers to his cheeks. “Quit,” was all she told him.

He scrunched his face up. She could see he wanted to cry. “Jess, how the fuck are we gonna afford a kid if I have no job?”

She shrugged. “It’s not the 1940s, you don’t have to be providing for me. I make a shit ton of money. And I get paid maternity leave. We’re in a decent place.” She ran her fingers down until she was touching the corner of his frown. “I’m not worried about the money anymore,” she told him. “Your happiness is so much more important to me when it comes to raising a kid. I can deal with saving on food, or taking on more hours. But I cannot be doing it alone. I love you more than anything and I’m good with where I’m at in life. If you’re not then I wanna help you get there.”

He stared up at her, his expression softening. “Yeah?”

She nodded, grinning at the gentle look on his face. “Yeah. I know I’ve been kinda shitty recently but I would never force you to keep a job you hate when we both decided to keep the baby.” He reached out and put his hands on her waist, pressing his thumbs deep into her skin. She rolled her hips against him, making him smile. She leaned down and kissed him, shutting her eyes and feeling his hands snake around to hold her closer. Kissing him harder, she held his face in her hands but he resisted her. He pulled away and when she opened her eyes, she saw the tears in his eyes that hadn’t been there a moment ago. Her brow furrowed in concern as she ran her thumbs under his eyes as tears fell.

“Jess,” he whispered, staring at her. Her fingers were wet with his tears as she held his face. There was a swelling nervousness in the pit of her stomach. “I fucked up.”

“What did you do?” She asked softly.

He took a breath, avoiding her eyes. “I couldn’t sleep last night. I haven’t slept properly in weeks.” Frowning, he shook his head. “But this was the first time I just couldn’t keep doing it. So I went for a walk, at like, 3am.” Her eyes stayed on his face, but shamefully he looked everywhere but at her. “And I was walking, and thinking. And I just couldn’t do it anymore. So there was… There was this dealer that I came across down in the backstreets.”

Jessica stared at him suspiciously. “Why were you walking in the backstreets? You know that place is dangerous.” He didn’t answer her and she frowned. “You went looking, didn’t you?” He shut his eyes in frustration and turned his head away from her. Jessica sighed, pushing herself off him and finding her feet on the carpet again. “Justin, I need you to be honest with me. I can’t help you if you’re not.”

“I know,” he whispered. “I know, I just fucking hate myself for this.”

She frowned. “Don’t hate yourself. It’s just life.” When he didn’t look back at her, she gave up on convincing him and walked back over to the dresser. “You’d better start talking soon, or we’re waiting until I get home. Which means no sex tonight.”

“Fuck,” he whispered, shaking his head. Now she had him talking. “It was only Oxy. I bought it from the dealer and I just wasn’t thinking straight. I didn’t mean to.”

“You did,” she insisted. “You did, because you did it. Now you regret it.”

“Are you mad?” He asked into the tense silence between them.

She shook her head, pulling her shirt off in front of the mirror. “No, I’m not mad. Why didn’t you tell me stuff was going on? Why keep it to yourself? If you can’t sleep just wake me up.”

“I thought I could handle it. I didn’t wanna stress you out.” He sat up in the bed and Jessica watched him in the reflection.

“Tell me what’s going on. I thought it was just that stupid fucking desk job that was worrying you. But it’s obviously more, and I don’t know. I’m your wife, I’m not a mind reader.”

“Yeah, I know. I guess I’ve just been ruminating.” He shrugged his bare shoulders, the sheets covering his waist as he sat there, staring at the door ahead of him. “It’s just everything,” he said. “I guess I didn’t think I was gonna be twenty six with some shitty ass job and a kid.” He shook his head, his gaze going dead as he was off in his thoughts. “I just thought I was gonna do it differently to… Her. It just felt like it was the first step to ruining my whole life. And I guess I confirmed that last night.” He looked haunted. Miserable. Terrified. And Jessica’s heart broke for him.

“You don’t want a baby?” She asked his reflection in the mirror. His head came up and he looked over at her.

“I do,” he insisted. “Jesus, of course I do.” Their eyes met in the reflection of the mirror. “I’m just scared.”

She watched him, her eyes were gentle. “What are you scared of? Tell me.” His eyes stayed on her as she grabbed a hair tie off the dresser and pulled her hair into a ponytail.

“I’m scared of fucking it up. I’m scared of something happening to you, and I’m left all alone. I’m scared of not being good enough. I want it, but I’m scared.” He shrugged his shoulders dismally. “We didn’t plan this. It was like we woke up one day, and you were pregnant and I figured why the fuck not. You said you were ready, and I thought I was ready. But I don’t think anybody is ever really ready for this kind of thing.”

“It’s true,” she said. “We just gotta do the best we can.” Her eyes went wide, and she stared at him through the mirror. “What if it’s twins? Fuck no. I’m out.”

He smiled, as she intended for him to do. “I think we’d know by now if there were two of them.”

She cocked her head, looking at him in the mirror. “Nothing is gonna happen to me,” she told him seriously. “And you’re gonna be great. Trust me.”

His face fell. “What about your mom? That fucking terrified me.”

A pang of anxiety swelled in her chest. She didn’t like to think about that. “They got it out. They diagnosed her early and she’s okay.” Neither of them really believed that. It’s just what they had to tell themselves.

“But what about you?”

Jessica shook her head. “I’m fine. We’re talking about you.” Jessica just wanted to hear him say it. To say that she hadn’t been present in the last few months. Because she knew she hadn’t. He had been suffering, and so had she, and for the first time they weren’t talking to each other about it. They were too scared. He was afraid of stressing her out, yet, she was more stressed seeing him so depressed all the time. And she was afraid of worrying him with her own fears about the future, and her mom being sick. Which it turns out he was already worried about. They had both been living in their own worlds for the last few months, and they forgot that love wasn’t always kind and romantic. Sometimes it was sad, and stressful and tragic. But only with the goal of recovery in mind.

“I’ve just felt really lonely,” he said gently. “And I feel like my life has no meaning anymore.” She pressed her lips together and stepped over to the side of the bed again. He turned to her, shuffling forward and sitting on the edge.

“Your life has so much meaning,” she whispered, reaching out to hold his face so that this time he couldn’t look away. “You’re alive. And if that’s not meaning enough, you’ve got me, and we’re having a baby. And I know you’re scared but it’s gonna be so worth it. It’s gonna give your life so much more meaning, and you’re gonna love the shit out of that kid, I promise you.”

At first he smiled, then it fell back into a teary frown. “It’s just that fucking job. I hate it.” His head dropped and her brow knitted together in concern for him. The job he had was working for a social care network but it turns out they did very little helping, and rather they just raised money. They also happened to be slightly homophobic, but he only found that out recently, when they were desperate for money. It was going nowhere and the people who worked there didn’t exactly care about what they were doing, or who they were helping. It wasn’t a good place, but it was decent pay. It wasn’t worth his misery though. Nothing was. Jessica held his head to her naked chest in comfort, running her fingers through his hair.

“I think you should quit,” she said. “And if you won’t do it yourself, then I’ll go there and do it for you.”

He smiled, pulling away from her. “You’re such a mom already.” Rolling her eyes, she leaned down and kissed his lips.

“I’m serious,” she told him. “I think I know what kind of stuff you wanna do. I know you wanna feel like you’re actively making a difference, and that you’re doing everything you can. I’m the same. If you work out what you wanna do then we’ll find a way for you to do it.” Smiling, he reached up and kissed her collarbone gently. Pushing away from him, she smirked and went back to the dresser. She did have to get dressed for work and he was distracting her. “I had an idea, actually,” she said, watching him in the reflection again as she reached around to hook her bra.

“What’s the idea?” He asked, watching her eyes from the mirror.

“You should come to work with me on Wednesday. I’m doing a piece on the rate of sexual assault in youth detention centres. And I’m going over to the one just down the street from Sunset to talk to some kids. You should come with me. I think you’ll get through to them, and help them open upbetter than I ever could.”

He raised an eyebrow. “They actually agreed to let you write an article on that?”

She nodded. “Working for the same journal that managed to get sex education and queer studies introduced into this states secondary education means they kind of let me do anything.”

Smiling, he collapsed back onto the bed. “They’re all gonna love you, cause you’re a fucking badass.” He shook his head. “You don’t need me. Besides, nobody at your work likes me. They think I’m, like, fucking stupid or something.”

She scoffed. “They do not,” she told him. “They think you’re sweet. I talk about you all the time. You should hear the way the others complain about their partners. God, you had better not stop washing the dishes because from what I’ve seen that is how all marriages go downhill. Also bad sex.”

“I won’t,” he said, and she could hear that he wanted to laugh. “I will always wash the dishes, and I will always make sure you feel good.” She smirked, sad that she wasn’t able to see his face. He groaned, giving in to her. “Fine, I’ll go with you.”

“And,” Jessica said, raising her brow, “I think you should talk to someone. Other than me. Like a therapist or someone.”

“A therapist?” He repeated.

“Yeah, I mean we can go together. They do couples counselling for pregnancy. But, seriously, with your relapse I just think you should be talking to someone even when you feel like you can’t talk to me.”

“Okay,” he decided. “But don’t start cheating on me with my therapist, and then divorce me but never tell me until I walk in on you two fucking after you ask for a divorce. And take the kid and leave me with nothing until I have to buy out all your assets and ruin your journalist company.”

Jessica stared at him lying on the bed. “Isn’t that just the plot to First Wives Club? We watched that last week.”

She saw his smile turn up. “Yeah,” he said. “It was very feminist, and I know you liked it.”

Jessica smirked, and he met her eyes in the mirror. “Sex tonight is back on the table. I have to make the most of it until I look like a balloon.”

His face lit up as he sat upright again. “I heard that having sex in the last few weeks of your pregnancy can induce early labor. How fucking crazy is that?”

She raised her eyebrows. “You bet we’re doing that. I want this thing out as soon as possible.” Then she turned back and glared at him in all seriousness. “Therapist. Job.” She wasn’t gonna let him change the subject like he loved to do.

He nodded, collapsing back onto the bed with a sigh and repeated it back to himself. “Therapist. Job…” Then he groaned in annoyance. “Fuck me.”

* * *

Anna tore open the wrapping paper in front of her, mumbling a story to her parents. “So there was this boy–“

“A boy?” Justin interrupted, looking concerned at his daughter sitting in front of him. “What’s his name?”

Anna’s eyes lit up, sparkling under the flashing lights of their Christmas tree. “James.”

Justin clicked his tongue. “I don’t like him already.” Jessica nudged his shoulder, smiling, telling him to stop annoying Anna while she was unwrapping her present. She reached out to the youngest, Emilia, and wriggled her fingers until she came wandering over. But before she could grab her Justin swooped in beside her and picked Emilia up to sit in his lap. Jessica just laughed at the look on Emilia’s tiny face as she was unexpectedly pulled away, then the smile that came to her face when she realised what was happening.

“Go on,” Jessica said turning to Anna as she sat across from them. “Tell us about this boy.”

Anna’s small shoulders moved side to side as she tore her present open. “Well,” she said, “he gave me a flower from the garden at school as a Christmas present.”

“That’s nice of him,” Jessica said with a smile. Anna was about to continue her story when she finally tore open the wrapping paper with a bright grin.

“Oh my gosh,” Anna gasped, her brown eyes going wide. “It’s barbie!”

Jessica matched her excited expression as Anna glanced between her parents. “And she’s the President of our country in this one,” Jessica told her, tapping the box. “She’s a very powerful black woman.”

“She’s awesome,” Justin agreed, picking up the paper from between Jessica and Anna, then throwing it to the couch beside them. Reaching out to her daughter, Jessica grabbed her tiny hands and made sure she was staring.

“Now, what do you say?” She asked, her inquisitive eyebrows far up on her head.

Anna stepped over to wrap her arms around Jessica’s neck. “Thank you,” she said. Then she kissed Jessica’s forehead until she laughed. Jessica wanted to hug her tight and never let her go, but she had to let her go on. Then Anna shuffled over on her knees to hook her arms around Justin’s neck. “Thank you,” she repeated to him, then she grabbed his face and squished it in her tiny hands. “And don’t be mean to James. He’s nice.” When she wanted to walk away, Justin laughed and pulled her back.

“I’m sorry,” he said with a frown. “Can you forgive me, Anna?” Hesitantly the five year old nodded. He smiled at her, reaching up to kiss her forehead as she screwed up her face. “I love you,” he told her and she rolled her eyes just like Jessica.

“Yeah, I know,” Anna said, “you say it every day.” As sweet as the sentiment was, it broke Jessica’s heart a little because it was true. He did say it every day, and Jessica said it too just to compete with him. But there seemed to be this fear he had of them not knowing. This desire he had to put in the effort every day to be the best parent he could. And sometimes Jessica wondered if it made him a good dad, or if it just made him a scared kid again. Terrified of being abandoned, or of being rejected by another family. The one Jessica had promised him he would never lose.

“And I will keep saying it every day,” he promised, “so that you never forget it.” Smiling, he let her go and Jessica offered her the doll again. Anna went and sat back down on the floor, crossing her legs in her pink pyjamas, her curly brown hair tied up in a bun on top of her head. She was an interesting combination of her parents. Her skin was tanned, not as brown as Jessica’s, and her hair curled in waves looser than Jessica’s, but her eyes were an exact deep brown replica of her mom. Comparatively, three year old Emilia looked exactly like Jessica from head to toe but her eyes were a bright blue like Justin’s. Their daughters hardly looked related, and it always entertained Jessica when loose acquaintances theorised that Emilia wasn’t actually Justin’s daughter. That Jessica cheated on him, or something. It was always a funny rumour to hear around the neighbourhood. It gained momentum every year she grew, and it got funnier every year.

Justin turned to Jessica and smiled. “She’s a tiny you,” he said, nodding towards Anna. He said that every time she rolled her eyes. Usually Jessica was the one to tell her off.

Jessica smirked, leaning close to him beside her. “That’s because I’m her favourite parent. She likes my rules. She doesn’t like your annoying jokes.”

He scoffed. “My jokes are great,” he said, watching Emilia in his lap as she drew squiggly lines on his hand in permanent marker. He was always the more lenient parent.

Jessica glanced over at them. “Why are you letting her do that?”

He shrugged. “She’s giving me a tattoo. It’s my Christmas present.” It just looked like a bunch of random lines and circles done by a three year old. It was a cute Christmas present, but it wasn’t worth letting her get away with it.

“Em,” Jessica said, rolling her eyes and reaching for the marker, “your dad doesn’t need any more tattoos, he has more than enough.”

Emilia shook her head ardently. “No,” she protested, pulling her hand away and scrunching up her small face. “I want this.”

Justin tried not to laugh as he looked down at her. “Em, come on,” he held his hand out to her. “Give it to me.” Pouting, she handed the black marker to him and then he passed it on to Jessica. Picking Emilia up from his lap, he put her on her feet in front of him, and tapped her nose with his finger. “Can you say Merry Christmas?” He asked her.

She nodded. “Merry Christmas,” she echoed.

His face lit up. “Can you say I love you?”

“I love you.”

He smiled even wider. “Now,” he said, “can you turn to your mom and say I’m your favourite parent?”

Nodding, Emilia turned on her heel to Jessica beside him. “I’m your favourite parent,” she parroted and Jessica snorted a laugh. In disappointment, Justin frowned.

“Okay, Emilia,” he said sadly, “go play.” He twisted her around until she was no longer facing them and then he let her wander off to where she left her presents.

“That really backfired for you,” Jessica said, grinning at him. She leaned in and rested her chin on his shoulder. “Say you love me.”

He looked over, smiling, and pecked her on the lips. “I love you so fucking much,” he whispered.

Her smirk widened, and she put her finger up to his lips. “We’re gonna have to get a swear jar soon.”

He chuckled against her lips. “Sorry, you just get me really excited.”

“Good,” she said with a smile, “because since you get two birthdays, you don’t get a Christmas present this year. You just get me.”

“That’s all I need,” he said, kissing her again. “And I don’t have two birthdays. I think that’s kind of unfair, don’t you?”

She shrugged her shoulders, staring up at him with her big brown eyes. “Well, you try explaining to a five year old and a three year old what heroin is, then we can properly celebrate you being sober every year.”

“Okay,” he gave in. “Point taken.” He turned away to look at Emilia on the carpet, her hand moved back and forth ferociously as she coloured in her new book. Anna was beside her, pretending her doll was giving a speech to the world.

Jessica leaned in close to his ear. “So what’s my present?” She whispered.

He turned to her, their faces inches away as he smirked. “You have to wait until tonight,” he said, tucking her curly hair behind her shoulder for her.

Her eyes went wide, and she gasped. “No, don’t tell me you got me the same present I got you?” Then she chuckled, leaning in to kiss him.

“I think I might have,” he mumbled against her lips. “But we also did a joint present from the girls.”

Her deep brown eyes went wider in awe, were it possible. “What did you do?” Smiling he crawled over to sit behind her on the floor, wrapping his arms around her. She leaned back and he looked over at the girls on the floor in front of them.

“Anna,” he said, and she looked up at him immediately, “can you go get your mom’s present from under the tree?” She nodded enthusiastically, standing up and running around them to the tree.

Jessica twisted her head around to look at him. “I hope you didn’t go to too much trouble.”

He smirked. “No trouble at all.” She reached up to kiss him before they were interrupted by little hands holding out a yellow neatly wrapped present. “Oh, and Anna wrapped it,” Justin added, kissing Jessica’s shoulder as she reached out for it. First she grabbed her daughters face, squeezing her small tanned cheeks and scrunching her nose up. Then Emilia gave up on her game and wandered over to see the present too. She crawled into Jessica’s lap so she could watch it being opened, and Anna stood to watch.

“I’m excited,” Jessica said, grinning and looking between the three of them. She ripped open the wrapping paper and looked down at the gift. “Oh my God,” she gasped. Justin grabbed the rest of the wrapping off her and handed it to Anna to throw away so Jessica could see the present in full.

“Do you hate me?” He asked with a smile.

She nodded enthusiastically. “Yes. Yes, I do.” She looked back down at the framed photo of Anna and Emilia sitting on the lap of a mall Santa. She hated those things with a passion. Was there anything utterly creepier than a random old man paid by the mall to have kids sit on his lap all day? Yeah, they were usually poor or homeless, but Jessica wasn’t going to let her daughters sit on some old guys lap and pretend he’s Santa Claus on the odd chance that he might be a pedophile, or just a plain creep. No way. She wouldn’t risk it. But Justin would, of course. Simply to piss her off. But how could she be mad when the two of them looked so cute in their photo, further decorated by Anna’s Christmas frame she made in art class. It was just so… Domestic.

“Mommy, do you like it?” Emilia asked her, her little fingers grappling onto the edge of the frame so she could see too.

“I do,” Jessica said, “I do, I love it. Really.” Grinning, Emilia stretched up and kissed her cheek as Jessica giggled. Jessica reached up, dropping the photo into her lap, and grabbed Emilia’s face. She leaned in and kissed her forehead, then her cheek, then her nose, then her chin and then she did it again and again, whispering that she loved her, as Emilia tried to wriggle away.

Anna pouted as she watched. “What about me?” She asked, and Jessica let Emilia go.

“Well, you always push us away when we give you kisses,” she said, very matter of fact.

Anna’s brown eyes only looked sadder. “But I still want them,” she said quietly. Jessica smiled at her, letting Emilia go free as she held her arms out to Anna.

“You know I love you,” Jessica said, pulling Anna in and kissed her temple. Justin’s hands slipped away from around her waist and he stood up, grabbing the picture frame from her lap in one hand and then picking up Emilia.

“Come on,” he said to her. “We’re gonna go put up the best Christmas present your mom ever got.” Then he smiled, looking back at Jessica. “And she got a ring for Christmas seven years ago. But this one is way better.” Jessica just rolled her eyes at him. “What if we put it up in her office?” He asked Emilia, turning the corner into the next room.

Jessica shook her head. “Not in my office!” She called after him.

“I think that’s a yes, Em,” he said back, purposefully loud enough that she could hear him. Jessica rolled her eyes again. It was fine. She could just scribble out Santa’s creepy face in marker and threaten Justin if he ever went back there. She didn’t think he would. There was no way Justin didn't do a full background check on the mall Santa just for safety, for his own nerves and for Jessica's. He may have been more lenient with the rules, but Justin was ten times more protective of their children than Jessica was. He knew the kinds of fucked up things that went on outside these four walls, and he wasn't gonna let them see even a bit of it. They had many arguments, in theory, over whether Anna and Emilia would ever know about the things that Justin and Jessica went through. Not unless it was absolutely necessary. No child should ever have to think of their parent like that. And nothing like that would ever happen to them. Things were gonna be different this time. Life was gonna be perfect. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thanks for reading, everybody. i hope it was a decent enough story that we can just pretend it was canon and that justin TOTALLY lived because what fucking bullshit was that? and that jessica davis was a powerful, badass, dedicated feminist who went on to have a super successful job fighting for human rights. and it wasn't mentioned in the fic but i went with justin taking up social work but also kind of, as brandon said, like using his issues to motivate and help other people throughout schools. and i've always been a big fan of the idea of anti drug campaigns and awareness stuff in schools being run by actual recovered addicts, and i would like to think he went on to push that idea and do a lot of stuff in raising awareness for the kind of issues he went through. it would work really well with jess and justin's dynamic too. 
> 
> anyway. deep sigh. thank you for reading. dunno what i'll write next but i'm stuck on 5 weeks lockdown again so i got nothing to do. :) have a good day. or night.


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